Dealing with my fathers death

You really need to get some help and support after all you've gone through, and sooner rather than later. It is typical to experience such a shut-down of emotions after all of this, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. In fact I'm going to suggest that it's an indication that you're burying some deep emotions that need to be dealt with promptly.

Frankly I'm not sure how you're coping right now. Do you have a support network of people who are caring for you? I mean at 17 I would seriously hope you're not left on your own... You still need to be in the care of adults who can help you gradually enter adulthood with all of it's responsibilities, not just thrown to fend for yourself. So please let me know that you're among a circle of people who are looking out for you and caring for you right now. If not, that's the very first thing that needs to be addressed.

You also need to be around someone who can love you and hug you and who you can cry to, and it doesn't sound like that's the case. Do you have family, like brothers or sisters? Are there aunts or uncles who can help you through this? You need to be living with someone who loves you and is willing to be there for you.

You would really benefit from professional counseling of some kind, whether it be psychological or from a church or at school. You need someone to help you work through these emotions that you're obviously having a hard time dealing with on your own (and rightfully so because you've been through a lot). They will allow you to vent and say what needs to be said without being judgmental or making you feel bad about it. Consider contacting a minister at your church or a school counselor as a starting point. But I would do this soon, so that they can help you work through things before they become a problem.

And it's probably not the right time to worry about moving on or moving to the city. Give yourself some time to heal and to get on firm ground. You are young and you have lots of time ahead of you - there's no rush to get your life going again. Take the time to grieve and also the time necessary for you to work through things.

There's lots of caring people here, so you can also lean on EC whenever you need to. I'll offer you a hug (*hug*) and even another one (*hug*) just for good measure!

 

One more thing, you of all people should not have to be worried about money and paying bills and losing your place - that is unacceptable. Are you really in a situation where you're the sole provider for your basic living needs?

 

First of all (*hug*). I know that a virtual hug is only little consolation, but it’s better than nothing.

I can’t really tell you how to emotionally deal with the loss of your father. I lost my dad a few years ago, and I can’t say I really reacted all that different from what you describe. I didn’t even cry or feel angry or anything. I don’t really think I even talked to anyone about what I did or didn’t feel It was mainly a lack of any emotion whatsoever. I guess that sometimes cutting off like that is the mind’s natural way of reacting to such drastic changes. In my case, I feel like not focusing on them, just going to school and dealing with emotions on my own time allowed them to heal “below the surface” as it were.

Going through it all alone isn’t really the best option, though. Is there any family nearby you could fall back on? Even if you’re not extremely close, it can enormously help if you don’t need to do everything by yourself. They don’t need to be your same age or even your best friends to be of help in supporting you through this! Also, your school might have a councilor who you could talk to about this.
And, of course, there’s people here. If you feel like venting, don’t hesitate to do so here. As I said above, getting e-hugs is a poor substitute for being held physically, but it can still feel really good.

On the bright side, there are lots of possible safety nets for people in your situation. If you’re without parents to support you then there are bound to be grants that you can apply for and support options you could tap into. The trick is to find them. Unfortunately, I’m not very knowledgeable on how the US system works. Maybe it’s best to inquire about options like these at school. And I’m sure that there’s some people here who know more about options like these and can offer some advice.

 

Chaz, do you have relatives that you can stay with for awhile? You shouldn't be alone right now and you most certainly shouldn't be taking on financial responsibilities.

 

I wish I could offer anything more than condolences, but at a person I've found dealing with death is a weakness of mine. It doesn't impact me in the way it does other people, and it's a situation where I struggle actually being empathetic.

That aside, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It will hurt, perhaps it always will a little, but you will make it through this. Remember the good and bad, and know that no matter what you're father will always be with you in your memories, your actions and who you are as a person.

 

Are you living alone right now or are you living with your brother and sister in law?

As for someone to express yourself to, that's why I would so strongly recommend involving a school counselor, a pastor or a psychologist - someone who will listen to you without jugding you and who you can let it all out to. I just don't think it's a good idea for you to bottle this up inside, especially in the absence of family who can share in your grief and emotions. You should not have to feel alone at a time like this.

 

Well no one expects you to trust a psychologist or counselor right away, it takes a few meetings and hard work to become close to them. It doesnt happen over night, it's like making a new friend who is good at listening and giving advice and helping you sort things out. If there's no one else you feel comfortable talking with, this would be your best choice. I would ask your guidance counselor at school about this, they can probably help you find someone to talk to.

Also, deffinately stay in school, because although you're right about your high school record being fairly unimportant in the rest of life, some companies DO look for a high school diploma and you most likely wont be getting into college without a diploma or GED.

 

Is there a possibility for you to move in with other members of your family, maybe your brother or an aunt or uncle? I just think there are multiple problems with you living alone right now - both in terms of your mental well-being and your financial situation. Especially the former - it isolates you at a time when you really should have human contact. Besides, you should be worrying about finishing school and planning where your life goes from here, not paying the bills each month and whether or not you can keep a house. This is forcing you to grow up a little too fast, and that could end up putting you behind in the long run. Someone needs to be concerned about your future and with your parents gone that needs to be you, someone who is able to care about you, and perhaps a professional.

On that note, have you considered telling your therapist that you're gay? Of all the people to tell, this person should be one of the very safest. You really can't expect them to help you if you're hiding important things like this from them. Consider that maybe you've created the perfect negative spiral in this relationship - your therapist doesn't have all the facts to work with so is unable to provide you with proper analysis and therapy, which in turn makes you skeptical about the value of your therapist. Please consider opening up to your therapist, because it might just turn around a process that should be helping you and not frustrating you.

 

You are on autopilot at the moment. This can be helpful at the beginning, but later it can become a problem. You say you have a problem with therapists because you don't have a "relationship" with them. But it seems you at least somewhat can talk to us here - total strangers. Maybe this makes it easier for you. Have you tried calling an anonymous help (phone) line? Sometimes it already helps just to unload all what you have in your head on somehow. That way you get your head free, you can order your thoughts better again - and begin to make a plan for yourself.