EC community! Hear me! I am a really confused gay fashonista and I need help! Okay here is the situation. My current boy friends name is Chris. He is bisexual. I am best friends with his girlfriend. Her name is Kiyra. She gave him permission to date me. And then they broke up twice. And I got them back together, twice. And now they want to get married. And they want me to be a part of them when they do but I don't date married men!!!! And last night I got more attention from my ex than my current boyfriend. My ex is kiyras brother. And he is bisexual too. But he only dates one person at a time. And Chris and Kiyra rerally lopfve me and eachother but I feel left out. Like a third wheel. And they don't seem to understand why!! Chris says he loves me but when I only say 2 things to him and say goodnight he wont fight to talk with me. And he spends more time with Kiyra!!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't know what to do, who to turn to, and where I stand in this. So please tell me what you all think. I am begging you!!:tears:
Oh boy, open relationship drama! It sounds like all parties-you, Chris, Chris' GF/wife/whatever she is this week, and your other BF-need to sit down and have a serious conversation and figure out what relationships are which, who's available to whom, and set boundaries for the whole thing. Is it an open relationship? Is it Chris and Kyria in happy monogamy, and Chris is fucking around on the side out-of-bounds? Or is it some other special unique flavor of goofy? You need to figure out what everyone has in mind, what you have in mind, and then either engage or break off accordingly.
Well Chris is dating me and Her at the same time and she knows and is okay with it. But I don't like how it makes me feel. Like I'm just one of their toys. I want to but I'm too scared to break it off. I mean neither of them are violent but I don't like the empty feeling i always have. And the other guy is my EX-bf. And he still wants to be with me but I'm with chris and its so head hurting. and heart taxing.
I'd say you need to re-examine your stance on dating married men. Not dating married men, in general, is a good stance to have. Because getting involved with a married man almost always involves deceit. Him sneaking around to check out "the other side", then slinking back home and hoping his wife doesn't find out. It most often ends up with the guy deciding he's "gonna stay with the wife for the sake of the family". But this situation isn't like that. You know the wife. She knows you're sleeping with her husband. She encourages it. And they both want it to continue. The only difference between pre-marriage and post-marriage is there's gonna be a ring on a finger. Yes, they're going to be spending more time with each other than with you. But that's the danger of an open relationship. If you're the type that gets jealous about someone you're physical with getting physical with somebody else, or getting physical with somebody else more than you, you may not be in an ideal spot to be getting involved in an open relationship. You might be better off with a traditional one, with its artifical constructs of "us and nobody but" Lex
I kno but I can't. I don't kno how to put it. Here you kno how people are set in stone when it comes to things? Well thats how I am when I love somebody. I love them till I die and it hurts me. Like my first boyfriend we split and and I stopped hurting after a year and a half and I still wish I was with him. I had just become numb to the pain.
It doesn't sound to me that you are comfortable in an open relationship. Not surprising because it brings up all these emotions, and shit, you're 16! I'd take the advice of others and focus on one 'unattached' person, whether that be your ex or someone else. Yeah you may "love" these people, but sorry for the cliche, but love is a two-way street. And given your age, I am curious how old these other people are.
>>>I kno but I can't. I don't kno how to put it. Here you kno how people are set in stone when it comes to things? Well thats how I am when I love somebody. I love them till I die and it hurts me. Like my first boyfriend we split and and I stopped hurting after a year and a half and I still wish I was with him. Then you're absolutely the LAST person who should be getting involved in an "open relationship". Open relationships need one of two mindsets - either being able to keep your sex partners at arm's length, so you don't care who they have sex with, or else loving them so openly and unconditionally that you feel that as long as they're happy with whoever else they're with, then you're happy, too. You don't seem able to be in either position, in which case open relationships aren't for you. And that's fine. Not everybody is cut out to be in an open relationship. What these people have told you is that they're willing to be physical with you, but not EXCLUSIVELY physical with you. To put it a bit too easily, you can either share them or not have them at all. And given what you've said, it looks like the latter is the right option for you. Lex
Nothing is set in stone when you're 16, and honestly, if your friends are considering getting married, particularly with a history of having broken up several times, they're setting themselves up for a whole lot of hurt and complications and difficulty. I would suggest that all of you take a very big step back and breathe and think. Put aside any thoughts of marriage or even of long-term relationships for now, and just experience what you're experiencing as it is now. It might also be worth noting that, psychologically speaking, the way people typically relate to one another, and what drives their attractions, changes drastically between 15 or 16 and 19 or 20. The recognition of that is one of the reasons that our society has moved toward increasing the minimum age for marriage. In other words, even though you and your friends might strongly disagree and disbelieve what I'm saying, I think if you wait a couple of years, all of you will view the relationship you have together (whether as friends, lovers, or whatever) very differently. I do believe that there are people who can have very rich, deep, fulfilling polygamous relationships, and it is only our desire to conform with tradition that makes that idea seem shocking or immoral or whatever. I don't think polygamous relationships are the norm, nor are they for everyone, but they can work in the long term for some people. The challenge is very open, honest, and unconstrained communication between all the parties involved in the polygamous relationship; otherwise, what tends to happen is one party gets jealous or resentful of other parties. So the first step, in my opinion, for everyone to relax, quit talking about marriage, or even long-term relationships, and just be in the moment. Enjoy each other's company, and if everyone is agreeable, explore being sexual together, and see how it feels. Make a commitment to each other that everything will be fully out in the open and there will be nothing withheld. In that way, you can all experience each other fully, understand what the meaning of that can be, and decide for yourselves if it is potentially workable. And... you have a whole lifetime ahead of you; don't be rushing to make any decisions about marrying anybody for at least 3 or 4 years.
That says to me that you're not really ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. You're 16 years old and you shouldn't be worried about things like this. You should be worried about getting your driver's license, doing well in school, thinking about what university you might attend, etc. It's really premature for you to be worried about your friends getting married and disrupting the relationship you have with the bisexual male from that couple. I'd say it's premature to have a relationship at all.
The only thing that's going to make you hurt more than you are hurting right now is following through on any of the plans you've outlined here. I just get an ominous feeling that it won't end well for you if you get involved in what they're proposing. Step 1 - stand back and take a look at yourself. Based on your many posts on EC I find you to be a pretty easy person to read. You are kind, loving, lovable, emotionally intense and probably emotionally dependent. That means you are also (1) vulnerable to easily falling into a bad situation for the wrong reasons, and (2) more than likely to get badly hurt when it goes sideways. You say that you will love your significant other a lot - which means you're probably not going to be good at "sharing" him with another. Step 2 - given what you can see about yourself in step 1, picture yourself in this complicated relationship that's being proposed. You'll be giving all of your love to a guy who's sharing the love that he has to give. In other words, you give 100% but get 50% or less in return. And you seem to be the kind of person who's looking for a whole lot more than 50% of someone's love. You may be madly in love with this Chris, but he is not madly in love with you in the same way, if only by the numbers. I'm not sure you can see it, but I can see this clear as day - you're about to drive your car off a cliff. I can hear alarm bells going off everywhere. This may be one of the hardest things you'll have done in your life to date, but walk the heck away from this deal and don't look back. Trust me, the lumps you take from breaking this up now will be trivial compared to what's awaiting you down the road if you follow through.
Thank you all. And your right james I am easy to read. I am caring, emotionally intense, loving, lovable, and emotionally dependent. But what everyone doesn't see is that I am the person who would sacrifice everything just to stop the pain. And it just makes me so joyous to see you all caring so much. And chip you have to see something as well. I am not like other people my age. I understand things better than they probably ever could. Adults come to me for advice sometimes. They even can talk to me because I am not affraid of the things that come up in conversations. And I understand better than most what happens to people when their love isn't returned. My father, who by coincedence is named james, commited suicide when I was 12. And my mother needed me to be there for her. So that meant I had to stop being a child. And I did. After that I never felt like a kid. I was never really into the games of the age. And kids tended to stay away from me because I acted as an adult to them and my step-dad would yell ansd scream at me to be a kid and not worry as they did. And you know I tried but I always ended up playing the motherly role. And now I am so affraid of being hurt, lied to, cheated on, and so much more. All of this because it happened to my mother and I saw and still see how badly she has changed. I never wish to be that way. But by trying not to be I am. So yes i may love to easy or be to easily pulled into something bad. But thats who I am and I can't change that for anyone.
You are pretty much answering your own question. I totally respect your intelligence and your maturity, so as one mature adult to another, you must be able to see the fork in the road ahead of you. And you must be able to foresee how it will go depending on which path you take. If you end it now, yes it will hurt for a while because this is who you are. But if you take the other path, you'll be heading towards a much greater hurt. And while for some people open relationships are possible, I am thinking they are not a very good idea for someone like you, given that we both know your qualities and how they will predispose this situation to going quite wrong down the road. Someone who loves as strongly and with as much commitment as you do deserves to be loved back by someone equally as committed. There is precious little evidence that this will happen in what your friends are proposing. You deserve more, and you'll be happier with something that fits your qualities. So don't settle for something less - go out and find yourself your perfect situation. You are in no hurry!
like u said, u feel like a thired wheel; they will only talk to u or miss you when both of them fight with each other; better stay away b4 they do u more damage than good :/
Loving people can be dangerous. I'm guessing that you're inclined to say "yes" to anyone you love. Because it seems that going along with each other's wishes is just what people who love each other seem to do. Here's the thing though: sometimes saying "no" is perfectly acceptable, and even preferable. Loving people is about making each other happy. It's not about subjugating yourself to all their wishes. Especially when it comes to relationships. You don't owe anyone a relationship. If you're not feeling comfortable, it's best not to go along and just decide to be good friends otherwise. In this case, I'm pretty sure that if you continue dating this couple and feeling like the third wheel, it's going to end up in you getting hurt, and possibly they'll get hurt as well. It's probably better to just call it a day relationship-wise and start finding someone that makes you happy and work from there.
Wow! what a great batch of wisdom on this little thread. i hate the battles of the mind and the heart!
