Tonight I went out with friends and was at a large party. Although I know that I am gay, I hung out with an ex-girlfriend in a private room where we talked about the fun times in our relationship. Before that, I had been talking with some of my guy friends and we were talking about a girl from a while back. It was mentioned that she had slept with one particular guy, and he asked me if the two of us had ever hooked up. I told him we had messed around some, to which he replied "That's my man." I am keeping up a facade around my friends and making sure to show enough interest in girls so that I am not suspected of being gay. Is this healthy? I know the answer is no, but what can I do to be better about it. I enjoyed talking to my ex tonight, but I broke up with her because I wasn't interested. I made up a BS excuse for why I did so, but it was because I did not want to get intimate with her and had no interest in doing so. I just need to know if other guys (or girls ) have done something similar when they were in the closet.
Keeping up a facade is definitely common while still in the closet. But you already know it isn't healthy. What can you do to be better about it? Well, this is pretty obvious but, have you considered dropping the facade?
I can't right now. It sounds dramatic, but everything I hold close to me would come crashing down around me. My friendships that I have developed, my hard work, and my respect. While I realize that a true friendship doesn't depend on my orientation, I need the support that I have. Thank you for your advice though. I appreciate that you spent time to help me; it means a lot!
It's not at all uncommon for lesbians to date men or gay guys to date women in order to conceal their orientation. As a result: So, no. You aren't alone. At all. That said... What you are doing is actively unhelpful and harmful. It's hurting you, and it's also hurting the girls you're with. If you date someone as a cover, rather than because you like her, you aren't treating her as a person, but as an object. It doesn't make you a bad person, but it's not okay, either. More importantly, when you date someone as a cover, you're treating yourself as an object. You're saying that you need to be someone you aren't. You have value. You deserve better than to force yourself through relationships you don't enjoy just to make your "friends" happy. I'm not saying come out, that's your decision. But stop acting against your own desires.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help with my last post. If you're in a situation where you cannot come out directly, but are still affected with maintaining a facade, there are a few things that may help to alleviate the inner tension it will create: - Vent to us about it (like you are doing now). - Try to lie less, or use less strong lies. In doing this, you'll feel as if you aren't really maintaining this extremely hard facade that will never ever be able to come down. Also, in lying less, your friends might eventually get the picture and come to you with their support. - Talk to a counselor about it. But I still think the easiest way to relieve that pressure is for someone, anyone close to you to know the truth. Is there nobody in your life that would be accepting? Is there anyone you are really close to?
I have an old friend, that was in fact my best friend, from high school that is gay. I mentioned that in a post titled something like "Coming Out to a Friend." I received a lot of support encouraging me to come out to him over most other people. I plan to eventually, too. I do need to try to not lead people on because it is only hurting them. I am being selfish by doing so. There is nothing more than I would like than to tell her, so she realized that she didn't do anything wrong, but I can't. I broke up with her for a bogus reason; she is probably insecure. Thank you Liam for your advice too. I do not have to worry about pregnancies and STDs. I am still a virgin among girls and guys. I do wonder though if I am somewhat attracted to girls too. I know I am physically to guys, but I like the emotional attachments to girls. I know this is forward, but I would like to be with a girl and a guy to see which I prefered. Is this a bad way to figure myself out? Like I said, I am unable to come out right now. I can't, plain and simple.
You've got the uncertain-orientation-blues too? They're fun, aren't they? I don't think there's anything wrong with experimenting, provided you make it clear what you're doing. I actually hope to experiment with a woman once I feel a bit more established sexually. However, if you can't be out, you can't really be too clear about the nature of your experimentation (though there's nothing wrong with just asking for a one-night stand). And if you're like me, you'd want even an experiment to be with someone you liked and respected (NSA sex kinda squicks me, though I don't think it's immoral). Right now, you're pretty much trapped. I think a lot of people find it easier to feel romantically towards women than towards men, regardless of orientation, simply because women are socialized to be nicer, more open, and more caring. But men can be all of those things, too, and often are. And women are presented as sex objects in our society, so it's not that hard to see them sexually even if we wouldn't look twice at them in a society that allowed men to be as sexually desirable as women. And to be honest, not having a girlfriend may not make people suspect you. It depends on the social environment, but at this point you can truthfully say, "I've had girlfriends, but don't feel ready for a relationship right now, so I don't think I'll have another anytime soon." But I don't know how your area works. Where I grew up not having a girlfriend wasn't seen as a signifier of anything, but I know that isn't true everywhere. Good luck!
You don't have to come out to reduce your facade a little. Like, if someone asks you if you're interested in a particular girl, just say you aren't; that would be a possible answer even if you were straight. Are you sure that your friends will suspect you of being gay just because you're not expressing "enough" interest in girls? It's possible to get scared and think that everyone can see something about you, while they actually don't even notice it because they have no reason to be thinking about it.
Hi there! Having different levels of attachments/attractions is perfectly normal. You know you have a physical attraction to guys. That your starting point. Explore that feeling. If you do find yourself feeling some attraction to girls too, hey that's perfectly fine too! Explore all the feelings that you do have. If you feel that there is an attraction to both, girls and guys, maybe don't label yourself at this stage and really just go with the flow as it were. We all can form different levels of attractions/attachments to both genders. Sometimes we have a close physical attraction say for example to a guy, but we also form a close bond with someone else on an emotional level. This happens, because different people bring out different sides in us. Different people provide us with different things we need in our lives. In terms of coming out, there is never ever anything wrong with saying to yourself, "I am not ready for someone to know yet. I don't feel comfortable yet." And you know what? That is totally fine at this point. The most important thing is, is that you are comfortable in your own skin first. Yes, sometimes, we have to talk around things and try to come up with all sorts of reasons, but at the same time, you true friends will understand once you do come out to them. As it was mentioned above, keeping up a facade is normal and we tend to go along with things.That said, if you feel your have an attraction to someone, pursue it and explore it, but if you don't feel anything, and find yourself in a situations where things are going down a path with which you are not comfortable, just say 'sorry, I can't' or something along these lines. You want to make sure that you don't get down a path were your start emotionally hurting others and also yourself. I know this might sound contradictory but act on your real feelings. If you really feel attracted to a girl pursue it. If not, and even if you friends tell you to pursue someone, just put the breaks on it and say "I'm not really interested in her." That won't give you away. In terms of coming out, you have two people that you can already trust. You seem to have a good relationship with your ex-girlfriend, and it does happen that ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends are the first ones to know. In some ways coming out to her, you allow her to understand you better, and you allow her to move on. But equally important, you also let her know that "I trust you, and this is the reason why I am telling you this." Now, of course do what ever you feel comfortable with. Give it some thought at to whether you are ready to come out to your friend as a first step. I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
I'd encourage you to explore that statement above more fully. Unless you're going to Liberty University or some other crazy fundy christian school, or in an ultra-ultra-ultra conservative area, I think you are probably grossly exaggerating what would happen if you did come out. These days, most people are pretty accepting, even the majority of those who put up homophobic facades. I have talked to probably hundreds of people that have come out to friends in school. I have heard of maybe a dozen stories, total, of people who lost friends as a result, and even in those cases, it was isolated; one friend out of maybe 30 or 40 people they knew. Likewise, your respect isn't going to go anywhere. Whom you choose to have sex with has no bearing on who you are as a person, and the majority of people understand that now. I sometimes equate the coming out process to being publicly naked, because I think there are a lot of similarities; you're putting yourself out there, making yourself completely vulnerable for people to look at, make fun of, and so forth. But when you really look at it objectively, there's no reason to feel embarrassed about either one; there's nothing shameful about the human body, and nothing shameful about being gay. Both are simply social constructions that we've been brought up to believe. Now... all of that said, I don't believe that it is horribly unhealthy to "counterfit" your sexuality to your friends while you're dealing with coming out. Most everyone does it, and there really isn't any long term psychological impact to doing so. For most of us, it's simply a necessary evil while we are becoming comfortable with ourselves. However, I do think that the sooner you start taking steps and confronting your fears, the sooner you can put all of this behind you. My guess is you're ready to take the steps. You'll almost certainly be scared shitless the first time, but it gets easier with each step. So think about it, and if you feel ready to take the first step, choose someone you trust and share your secret with them. There's an enormous amount of relief that comes just from being able to share that with even one person, and will make it much easier to come out to others. I hope that helps.
I was the master at masking my gayness. I could weave excuses and stories the way an artist would weave a tapestry. Is it healthy to stay in the closet? I know the default answer is: no, but if you are not ready to come out then don't force yourself, however if you are expecting it to be easier at some point....it isn't. I can tell you that is quite freeing to be out though, my only regret about coming out is that I didn't do it sooner. Friends I had for a long time were the hardest to tell, but if I had been out with them sooner things might have better.
Well, you already said that you were with a girl and didn't feel a desire for physical intimacy. What more do you need there? It's not at all uncommon for gay men to have had girlfriends and to have been quite sincere. I did, I'm meeting and old girlfriend later tonight. I suppose we like to feel that we want that experience, because there's some small part of us that is/was interested in girls, and wants to be tested. I don't think it would have made sense for me to come out before I did, before I'd worked out my own feelings towards boys and girls. At least in my case, everyone's different. If you feel that you're gay, and that you'd like to be in a relationship, you probably should come out. Slowly, if you want. I doubt anyone would consider you to have been dishonest, people generally appreciate that it's not something people want to talk about unless they're comfortable about it. So it will probably not affect your friendships too much.
I did it all the time. I told my friends the only reason I was a "virgin" was because I was shy around girls.
Facades are really there only to make yourself comfortable. Any friend that is a good friend will be totally understanding when you are comfortable with saying all this girl stuff was an act. I started coming out when I was just kinda ok with myself. It was pretty scary. Now that I think it is awesome that I'm gay I'm still nervous about the rest of my coming out. Unknown things are usually scary and I like that. It makes things exciting. Keep in mind all these feelings you are having are normal. If you did not have these feelings you would not be human. It does feel really good to put the facade behind you. A few weekends ago I was hanging out with my friend and a few of his friends. All of a sudden they wanted to go to a strip club and were getting all excited. My friend knows I'm gay but his friends did not. I had to be humorous about it so I said "Heck yeah I want to go to a strip club!" "Ohhh do you guys mean female strippers?" and they said "Of course dude! Don't you want to see boobs?" "Not really but thanks for asking."
