Hi EC! It's been a while since i posted, but i'm in huge twirling mix up right now and idk what to do, so i figured this is where i usually went when i needed advice, time to do it again! ;p but where to begin? let me start by saying, whether i'm dominant in a relationship as far as being the one to ask out and make the first move and pay, all depends on the other guy. if i feel like their someone i want to take the lead, then they should and i step back. if i think they should let me handle it, then i will. Subject A: (i would be taking the lead) We'll start with the old flame and we'll call him Jacob. Jacob and I hooked up about a year ago, i wanted to date, but he was "really busy". and we stopped talking. Now, we have mutual friends and have become cordial again. we've been talking about dating now. he's apologized for before because he had just moved here and didn't know what he wanted. i like him, he's super cute and makes me laugh. but he seems kind of flakey. He says "text me" and then doesn't text back. So, summary: I like him, he likes me, theres history, but he's flakey. Do i want to pursue? Subject B: (He should be pursuing.) Next is the newest, we'll call him Andy. Andy came up to me while I was at work one day and told me he thought i was really cute. I was blown away by such a gutsy move. Turned on like no tomorrow. As soon as it happened, i knew i wanted to date him. come to find out, it took a push from his best friend, he wouldn't have done it on his own. And I LOVE his friends. I had to make the first move. Which is fine, cause he might've been nervous as he hasn't really dated before. but since, he hasn't really made any new moves, just mimicing mine really. worst part- we talked about this. i told him i liked him but i wanted him to be a little bolder. he said okay. the other night we sat on a lifeguard tower at the beach, under the stars, so breathtaking and beautiful. but when he simply kissed me, i still had my breath. Summary: I like him, i wanna give him a chance, but he's not stepping it up and I'm not feeling that spark. Subject C: (It's a two way street here) We'll call subject C, Donny. Donny and I work together and I'm his supervisor. Which, if we were to date, one of us would have to be transferred. Thats the least of the problems with Donny though. We're good friends. We spend a lot of time together. The other day i had a bad day at work and he went and danced to Party in the USA, just to cheer me up. He's crazy cute and we talk about everything. He told me I'm only the second person he's ever told that he's not completely straight. I don't think he's the in the closet type though, just the kind that tells those who need to know. We went to Disneyland last week, he picked me up, bought me coffee before. And while at the park there was 2-3 instances where he was basically holding my hand. (his on mine on the bars, locking arms, holding onto me at scary parts. one brief actually holding). And i love the fact that it feels more like it would be a flip flop of the dominance, he'd pursue me and I'd pursue him. But I'm just not sure if that what he's after. Of if he's just comfortable around me. Heres the HUGE problem though- HIS GIRLFRIEND, WHOM HE LIVES WITH. Summary: Crazy about Donny, feel like he likes me, but he needs to lose the gf. So heres the question, how do i deal with each one? Who do i leave behind and move on from? I have no idea how I would break it to Andy. I don't know what to do with Jacob. And I have to see and be tortured by Donny's cuteness 5 days a week. ps. donny and alex both come in to where donny and i work. pss. if any of you read this, fix the dang problem and talk to me. thanks EC! <3 Hairdye.
If I were you, I'd look into this whole deciding for other people who should make the first move thing. It seems a bit...silly to be honest. If you like Andy, why not make the move? Making the first move in your first potential relationship is tough. You don't know your own boundaries, and you don't really have the experience to guess at someone else's. I'm not saying Andy's the one you should be focusing on, just that making an extra rule about who has to pursue whom might not be a good idea. As for Donny, he's a) in a relationship and b) closeted. I'm personally opposed to closeted dating, and you can't assume that being with you would do anything to move him outward. That said, I get the impression he's the one you're most into. So, maybe it's worth it all the same. I can't help you at all with Jacob. That sort of behavior (asking for a text then not texting back in specific, tardiness and failure to show up in general) is one of my absolute top pet peeves. And if there's history, that can be a bad thing; there's a risk that both of you will try to redo the old relationship, instead of building a new one. If I were in a similar position, I'd be going after Andy. However, like I said, I think Donny's the one you're most into. Given that, I think you need to resolve your relationship with him before anything else. Tell him how you feel, and that things either need to move rapidly towards you two being together, or that you have to stop this semi-dating behavior. Because that'll keep you feeling for him in a way that, if you aren't gonna date, will make your life pretty darn miserable.
it's not so much a rule as much as it is what i want from them. I'm 6"1'. Andy is 6"4 and was a wrestler in high school. Thats just the type i feel like i want to be more swept of my feet by, y'know? Jacob is a 5"10 dancer. Super skinny. Thats someone i feel like i could protect. Donny and I run about the same as far as that goes. He's about 5"11. Not as skinny as Alex. Maybe this height basis is silly, but it more goes down to my feelings and how I'm attracted to that person. now, with andy: i did make the first move. i told him i liked him. i kissed him first, i told him i want to see him get a little bolder. i wanna leave him an opening to actually show me he can. but even a romantic setting didn't get it out of him. i wanna feel desired and with him, i don't at this point. jacob: he a damn fool. this i know. but at the same time, i melt when i see his cute smile at me. and the sex wasn't to shabby the first time around either. donny: telling him how i feel would effect work, which i can't do. maybe i'll just have to end the semi-dating behavior on my own unless he has something to say about it first. ugh. i hate dating. ;x
I too find it a bit odd that you're so focused on how you expect these guys to act based on how they compare to you physically. Now okay, sure, that's how you feel but you might want to look a bit closer at why it is you feel that way. Most people that I know generally are one way or another in a relationship and it doesn't totally transform based on who they're interested in. Except... well, you sound really assertive, which is good, but you can't be assertive as a way of making someone else more assertive. Like... you want someone to be assertive and/or dominant in relation to you... but that's incredibly difficult for someone to do if you're pretty assertive yourself. It means they have to be that much more assertive just for it to register. Expecting someone with ZERO relationship experience to be assertive in pursuing their first guy is, well, silly. It's FAR more likely he's freaked out of his mind. As for you wanting to feel desired, well... maybe he does too? And let's remember: he made the first move, which is why you noticed him in the first place. Sure, he had to be encouraged by his friends but for someone who's never dated someone to have the guts, friend-encouraged or not, to approach a stranger? That is HUGE! That's probably all the assertive he's capable of at this point. I dated this guy for 6 weeks once and absolutely nothing happened. He hadn't dated very much so I didn't want to be pushy. But because he hadn't dated much, he didn't feel comfortable initiating, so I broke it off and missed out on something special because instead of just taking the lead, I took his non-action as non-interest--which I later found out wasn't the case at all. So if you like the guy, don't waste time making rules like "he has to make the next move." Make the move yourself, blow his mind (and other things hopefully) and maybe once he realizes you're into him, he'll become a lot less reticent. He sounds the most promising, I guess, but like Liam I cannot STAND people who say they'll get in touch and then don't. So maybe figure out if he's just always like that with everyone, in which case I wouldn't bother (unless you figure it's not that big a deal) or just sit him down and be like, "Okay, I'm into you but the whole not doing what you said you would, even for something small like texting, bugs me." I had a boyfriend who was CONSTANTLY late... like 30 or more minutes late, not like something reasonable like 10 to 15 minutes. So finally I told him if he couldn't fix the late thing, we wouldn't be going out anymore. He didn't become perfectly on time overnight but he sure got a hell of a lot less late, which was really nice because it indicated to me he understood how much it was upsetting me. He's taken and you're his supervisor. So unless one of you quits/transfers and he breaks up with his girlfriend AND moves, I wouldn't even bother. Maybe transfer to avoid him even if you don't express your interest. I mean if you don't mind being the other guy, I guess he'd be a fun fling, but would it ultimately be worth it? I don't know--it's hard to tell how much he's someone you think you could make it work with vs. him being someone you find hot which the "forbidden fruit" aspect is making hotter. (What gay guy hasn't at some point wanted a "straight" guy?) Just be glad you have multiple prospects, however frustrating. It could be much, much worse.
I think Andy seems to be the most genuine relationship choice...and as for you...i think you should STOP pushing him out of his comfort zone forcefully...people do not perform under pressure...you didn't give much detail about Andys background on how new he is in his coming out and new to dating... i think you should take things slow with Andy and once hes more comfortable with you and gets to know you better ...then he will beable to take your breath away...he will eventually learn your ON and OFF buttons...give him some time..dont force him to do stuff he is not comfortable doing yet..otherwise things will be awkward in the moment you are expecting something great out of him... EDIT..it seems like you are the more experienced one...he probably will feel more comfortable at the time being if you initiate the first move...gradually he will become more confident
I think part of your problem is the stories you're telling yourself about each of these guys. We all tell stories about people, we are a storytelling species, but stories aren't actually true. They only capture a part of what's really there. You're telling yourself stories in which you are either swept off your feet, or sweeping. I'm sympathetic to that, I really am. The story I told myself about my last/first boyfriend had elements of that, and it gave me expectations that were, if not unreasonable, certainly not correct. So, my advice is to try on some different narratives. See if you can find a some stories about these guys that let you see them in a different light. A new perspective (especially one you make yourself) can be helpful.
Funny you say that. cause at some point tonight that clicked in my brain. Its the fact that I'm a lot of personality for one person, and i want somebody who can handle that. And I desire the different things from each guy because the way they keep me in check is different,. Jacob: Expects to be treated right. Won't let me act out just because. Will tell me like it is. Andy: Kind of lets me act however, doesn't really tease me or anything. Bascially, likes me to the point where i can do no wrong and I have no flaws. I want someone to see my flaws, accept them and love me for them anyway. Donny: Is there to cheer me up when im picking on my own flaws, but will be quick to keep me in check. Maybe it's still stupid though. I think I might go with these scenarios; Andy: Tell him I'd like to stay in touch, but i think he needs to become comfortable with himself before we can make something of us. Figure out his likes and dislikes. Donny: Stick to work. Jacob: tell him i can't take him seriously if he's not going to do what he says. And maybe just start a new lol.
Jacob: Punctuality is a virtue. Saying you'll do something and you're late or worst, fail to do it is like yelling in my ear using a megaphone. You need to tell him that when he tells you he's going to do something, you expect him to do it. I wouldn't pursue. Andy: He seems the most promising. This is his first relationship, so you can't really expect him to be aggressive even if he did make the first move in a very bold, risky way. You may not feel any sparks now, but they can come soaring later on. I'd definately pursue. Donny: He's closeted with a girlfriend and your inferior at work. All those rolled together = Hell no. LOL Even if he's cute and flirtatious, mixing business with pleasure is never cool. Is it worth transfering from a job because of him? It's not worth being someone's experimental boy-toy. Tell him how you feel so that you can release your feelings for him.
I'm choosing the path of starting anew. none of them really had wall the things i wanted in one person. so i figure i'm better off not trying to hope or mold them into the guy i want. next time: marco. the long distance, head over heels romance. ;x
How did each take the "breakup"? Whatever hot guy you end up with, bonne chance in the future. BTW, I'm totally jealous of your ability to make hot men flock over to you.
i'll let you know once i make it to that point. but i can't tell andrew yet... his birthday is in a couple days ;x and it doesn't matter how hot the men flocking over, flying over or soaring over, if all of them are missing that special feather i'm after. "/ it only makes it that much more difficult to spot the right one actually.
I dont want to sound like an asshole...but..do you ever think that maybe you are way too picky about the aspects and expectations of the men you date?:starwars: finding someone based on "one special feather" / special feature about their personality...that is going to be a needle in a haystack....people are built on multiple traits...not just one anyway good luck on your pursuit...send some north plz! men are hard to come by in minnesota....:icon_bigg
I think you should stick with Andy. I doubt he isn't interested in you enough...he is probably just scared out of his mind. I haven't been in a relationship with a girl yet, but I know that if I was with someone with some experience, I would be totally freaked to make a move. I think you might need to just push him along and he will then become more comfortable with the situation and probably be a bit more adventurous...but you are going to be the leader in that relationship...his size and build may make him look like he should make the move, but you are the more experienced one here I would forget about Jacob...he might make you melt and that might never go away, but he sounds like bad relationship material. And with Donny...It is obviously you like him a lot...but I honestly think the ball has to be in his park. you would be happy if he picked you... but he isn't out and he has a girlfriend... if he decides to risk his job, come out, and dump his girlfriend and you both wanted pursue the relationship then it would be great, but that is a lot of big steps for the guy so I would just try to stay his friend and be supportive and friendly, but not pursue anything however, if you are going to be unhappy being with someone other than him maybe you should try to pursue it some, but it has its downsides and risks. And must I say 3 GUYS! I am so jealous
updates! i am officially no longer dating any of the former three. andy- hung out on his birthday, haven't spoken since. jacob- has some weird bf and was an jerk to our friend. donny- is ummm... wearing a certain uniform for the next 30 days. if he behaves. glad all thats over with! this week it's all about Daniel and Marco. maybe i should start a new thread. ;x
Hi there! If you are comfortable with going from one date to another then so be it, but I think there is something more that you need to ask yourself and figure out. What is it exactly that you are looking for in a date or someone who could potentially become your boyfriend? In terms of having slept with your co-worker, well that's never a good idea. Not sure what moved you to doing that but it seems to be fitting into things in that you are jumping from one person to the next, perhaps without a full understanding of what is actually happening here. If I were you, I would really start asking myself what I actually want out of a relationship (even if it is just a date) because there is a possibility that it might come back to haunt you.
