In my lengthy climb out of the funk my last/first relationship left me in, one of my biggest struggles has been to feel like I'm...capable(?) of being with someone else, especially with respect to sex. I am so friggin' attracted to my ex that just being around him at all makes me with I could just grab him and hug and kiss him (and maybe do other stuff). Even though I know we'd be a failure as a couple, and that "casual" sex would make me fall completely for him; I'm already pretty close to falling for him as it is. I have trouble believing I could even get it up for someone else, and really don't find other guys all that attractive (physically or emotionally). Not that I don't ever look at someone and think "he's hot!" but it's never nearly as strong as it is for my ex. And I don't even feel the beginnings of an emotional attraction/connection with anyone. I just can't separate the desire to have a boyfriend from my desire to be with him. It was so short and there was so much I'd hoped to do and that didn't happen because he ended it so quickly. I feel sexually and romantically stunted, almost worse in some ways than when I had zero experience. Does anyone have some advice for taking ownership of yourself as a sexual and romantic person? Ideally I'd avoid him, but that isn't really an option when you're at a tiny college in a town with a tiny LGBT community. Thanks!
First relationships are particularly hard because there is so much emotion, so much newness and excitement associated with them. One suggestion I can make is to think about yourself a little bit. I could imagine that it might be easy to judge yourself in some way because the relationship ended so quickly, so maybe one of the first steps -- if you haven't already done so -- is to look inward and see if you feel confident and comfortable with yourself as someone who is appealing and deserves to have a great boyfriend. If there's a part of you that maybe doesn't believe that, then I'd suggest exploring how to become more happy with yourself. That isn't always the best or even the only solution, but I have found that sometimes a block or pining for a previous relationship is more about one's one fear that you'll never find another relationship as good, or some related feeling. The other thing you can do is to literally take ownership of yourself as a sexual person by spending time being sexual with yourself, and I don't mean just spanking it, but really taking some quality time and exploring your body sensually and thinking about both giving yourself pleasure, and how much you have to offer someone else (while preferably *not* thinking about your ex). If you take time and do this and put some real thought into it, I think you will find that it does really start to affect how you think about yourself (more at an unconscious level) which should reflect positively on your relationships, and the seeking of relationships, with others.
Hi there! (*hug*) Chip touched on something important here. If you are comfortable in your own skin and have a bit of self-confidence, you will be able to move on slowly and leave it behind you. I think one of the things with breakups is that we always tend look at ourselves first and blame ourselves for the failure, which leads to questions such as, "if I'm not good enough for him, am I good enough anyone out there?" Or we often get the feeling that "it hasn't worked with him, so it won't work with anyone else." This reduces our self-confidence and self-worth, which can make things even worse or let us feel that nothing will ever be the same. But the truth is that you will find someone else who will value you for you. The truth is that you will be a great boyfriend to someone else out there, someone who deserves you. You deserve better than your ex. (*hug*)
I'll continue what was started above. First off, relationships aren't will-to-power. Reality TV suggests you can put a guy in a room with 20 women, and he WILL fall in love with one. No. They have to be compatible, and they have to both click. They might look great on paper, but if the spark isn't there, it isn't going to work. This guy just didn't feel it with you. It doesn't mean you failed. There was nothing you could've done (or skipped doing) to change the outcome. Sucks but there it is. Start loving yourself more. Do more things you like, and like doing them. The better you feel about yourself, the less you'll find yourself pining for your ex. And the better you feel about yourself, the more others will find you interesting. Don't worry about the sex bit yet. You're a ways away from that. Just try to get social. Talk with people. Don't worry about "can I get physical with him?" or even "can I date him?" Just interact with more people - gay, straight, male, female. Once you get your social life running again, the dating part will start falling into place. Lex
What has already been said is great advice, but another thing is that it might just take time to move on. How long has it been since you got out of that first relationship? How long was the relationship? You might still be working out the breakup in your head, even if it's been a while, and while you're still processing that, it's normal to still feel a little attached and not know if you can move on. It will come in time.
Thanks for the advice, very much appreciated. I've been working on this, but it's very hard to see myself as desirable, even now. And a lot of it's related to feeling like I can't have that much to offer. I have trouble seeing myself as attractive or desirable, don't really know what my ex saw in me, and felt like I didn't deserve him at all. I've been seeing a counselor, and she's helped me to like myself a lot more, but this is one area that's been a lot harder to get to. It lasted a little under a month, ended about three and a half months ago. I've been processing it to some extent ever since, to the point where I now process the processing. I'd hoped he and I might have a talk so I could get some closure, maybe see how he felt about the whole thing, he said we could, but he's promised to get in touch with me several times and has never actually done so I want closure, to at least remember what happened fondly (or at least without anger or animosity), but at this point I just feel used and like he thinks of me as a discardable object. Which is not helping me with self-ownership or dealing with having so many mutual friends with him.
Hi there! If this is how you feel, I think the first thing you might want to keep working on building up self-esteem and self-worth. It's great that you have made some progress and have started to like yourself. Keep working on that. Once you like yourself, you will also start loving yourself. Everybody has attractive qualities. Everyone has something that makes them interesting to another person. It can be really anything. Maybe think back on conversations with friends that you had over the last number of months. Maybe a friend mentioned something that he or she liked about you. Take that and (as Lex would say) own it. The qualities that you have allow your friends to say that 'yes I want to be a friend with Liam. We have things on which we can connect, and I like this and this about him." Find out what these things are. Once you have them, talk to your counselor and ask her how you can incorporate that into the work you have already done. A friend might have told you that 'hey I like your sense of humor.' That's one thing you can hold on to and incorporate into the work you have already done on beginning to liking yourself. Part of liking yourself and eventually loving yourself is also accepting that no one is perfect. But in the final analysis it doesn't really matter because people will want to be friends with you, they want to date you, or enter into a relationship because they see something in you that they like about you.
I'm abcking away...I am so not the person to being dating advice right now see is can't even spell backing right
