When I made my first few posts on this site little over a year ago I stated an intention (Or wish) to stop drinking because I thought it was doing me some harm - which of course it was - and is. I've been unable, or unwilling, to reduce my drinking and the habit I had at this time last year is the same now as it was then. Its getting to the point now though where I really think I need to do something about it because I feel its a problem. My drinking pattern generally consists of abstinence from Monday to Thursday and then drinking quite heavily on a Friday and Saturday and sometimes Sunday if my team are playing on tv. Over the course of the two or three days I would consume an amount of alcohol that I guess would be around 10 pints per session or more. More concerning to me is the fact that I cannot perform (For want of a better word) in a social situation unless I am under the influence of alcohol. I find that I need to have a number of drinks before I am comfortable talking to anyone who isnt in my normal circle of friends. Even this weekend I felt I had to get drunk before I met someone who is, for all intents and purposes, my sister (My mum and her dad are a couple). That doesnt feel right because I have known her for over 20 years although she is away at university. I also felt the need to get drunk on a few other occasions when it was close family that were visiting and I couldnt deal with the nerves etc. of meeting people I had not seen for a whille. I know that in some senses this doesnt look too bad, or as bad as other cases, but it is concerning me. I'd like to hear from anyone that has dealt with similar issues, if possible, because I feel like I need to take some sort of action to at least try dealing with this before its too late. I'm already thinking of talking to a GP but the therapist I was seeing didnt seem to think it was a major issue so I am not sure what the GP will think. Thanks to anyone who reads and/or replies.
I'd go talk to your GP anyway about it if you feel like it's affecting your health (mental or physical). S/he might be able to refer you to other professionals who can help with alcohol issues.
Thank you for sharing your story, and for being strong enough to acknowledge that your drinking habits are beyond your control. I have a younger brother who has been struggling with addictions and alcoholism for about fifteen years, so I have a fairly good understanding of the issues. Admitting that you need help, as most anyone will say, is a major first step. I can't imagine any therapist telling you they don't see it as a problem after what you've described, and my first advice would be to get a new therapist. If you're drinking heavily every weekend, and needing to drink in order to be able to socialize with people, you are definitely correct in feeling that you have a problem. I don't know what kinds of programs are available in your area, but my brother has been through several organizations and is currently in a long-term rehab facility, where people go to get clean over a period of 3 to 6 months (or longer, if necessary). To begin with, he had to spend three days in a detox facility to ensure that he was clean before he started the program. There are also shorter-term rehab clinics, and of course organizations like AA. Have you looked into anything like that? Your GP might be able to give you some direction. What is your support system like? Do you have friends and family that you feel you could talk to about this? You mentioned that you play on a team - are your teammates likely to support you, or are they likely to brush it off and encourage you to keep drinking?
You know, I'm not sure what to say here. It sounds to me, on the surface, that you need to stop drinking. Period. Find an AA group and go. I know that's a scary thought - and I know I was terrified about going to my first 12 step group - but it was the best think I could ever do. But on the other hand, maybe alcohol isn't the problem but instead self confidence. I'm not sure. Either way, I'd say you need a new therapist. You're either not being entirely honest with them in telling them about your drinking, or they aren't able to recognize a problem even if they were tripping over it! Could you stop drinking if you wanted to? Could you go an entire weekend / week / month without a single drink? Even if that meant staying home and not socializing with people you don't know all that well? If the answer to that is no, then we're back to the AA meeting. If the answer to that is yes, then perhaps it's more of a social anxiety problem. So my advice would be to stop. Go without. See how that feels. See if you can do it. Send me a PM if you want to chat privately about addiction and 12 step groups. I have some experience in that area.
I certainly feel that it is affecting my physical health. Certainly I would put alcohol down as at least part of the reason I am overweight but I am sure my liver could do without me pouring so much alcohol in its direction. To be fair to my therapist he didnt say it wasnt a problem but by what he said he certainly didnt seem to be as concerned about it as I was/am. He did speak on why he thought I drank so much at the weekends - that was because I dont have much of a social life during the rest of the week. I have thought about AA meetings and the like but when I do think about it I always end up convincing myself that it is too drastic a step and that I am making more of it than it warrants. I'm getting more annoyed with myself though because of how much I drink and how terrible I feel the day (And quite often 'days') after. Apart from my mum I am not sure how the rest of my friends and family would react because we are basically related through drink. I rarely see them outside of the pub. This includes my dad and my closest friends. They would often try and get me to come out for a drink when I have said that I dont really want to - sometimes I relent and other times I do say no - but I feel almost indebted to some of them for being so kind and supportive when I told them I was gay. With regard the team, its not a team I play on, its a team I watch. We always watch them in the pub and again its not generally taken seriously when you say no to a drink. The thought of an AA group does kind of terrify me, not necissarily the group itself, more the fact that if I went then what that means for me, my future and my friends. I certainly feel that self-confidence and social anxiety play a part here bcause I have no inkling to drink when at home. Its only when I am with other people outside of home and work that I feel the need to drink. I did once (About 5 years ago) go six weeks without drinking during lent but I found it impossible to feel comfortable and always ended up going home early. Since then I dont think I have missed a weekend drink. Right now I dont feel that I could just skip a week or a month without drink - it would be all or nothing - but I have thought of avoiding drink for the month of April to see if I could. I think seeing my GP and not underplaying things (I have been guilty of that with my GP and its not like I even go to see them often) is something to do. Regarding my therapist, the sessions are coming to an end anyway, so I have the choice after that of finding a new one or seeing what the GP advises.
Honestly, I don't think it's too drastic a step. There's no shame in going to a few meetings and talking to some of the people there. They might have some great insight and support to offer you, even if you feel that your case is not as serious as some of the others there. I'm sorry to hear this. But again, if this kind of problem runs in your family, I'd say that's another argument in favour of trying out AA or some other program. One of your biggest challenges might end up being finding a way to connect with your family that doesn't involve alcohol. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Think of it the other way. What does your future hold if you DO keep drinking like this? If you want to stop and can not, then it's likely that you have a problem. If you aren't able to drink in moderation like a 'normal' person can when they want to, then it's likely that you have a problem. None of us want to admit that we're different. That we can't handle something that others seem to be able to handle. But some of us have to. We have to admit it to ourselves, and sometimes to the people close to us. And just like they accepted you for being gay, they'll accept you with a drinking problem too - if it comes to that. If all your socializing is with other people who drink a lot, then of course you're not going to have any fun when you're out with them and you're sober. I'd go home early too I'm sure. What about doing other things though? Remember that you've kidded yourself for years that you weren't gay. Perhaps you've ignored other interests so that you would 'fit in' with the guys at the pub. But now that you're OK with the fact that you're gay, perhaps there are other things about you that you need to discover. Stick with me here... Perhaps you would find that you like the symphony. Or going to the art gallery. Or to the theater. Perhaps you'd enjoy playing cards on a Saturday night instead of going to the bar. Maybe you'd like to take night school classes to learn a language or a craft or a new skill. I have NO idea what YOUR thing might be. But it sounds like it isn't really going to the bar every weekend. To me that would get old, fast. You don't have a reason to 'drink to forget' any more - while perhaps your friends or your relatives still do. Perhaps they're just as uncomfortable in their own skin as you were, but you've moved on from that now. You're ready to try something new. You feel good in your skin, and you're thinking that it's time to take better care of yourself - so that you're around to enjoy this new and improved you. And I think that's a great thing to do. I'm doing the same - having lost almost 40lbs in the last 9 months. Give it some thought. And yes - speak to your doctor too.
What jumps out at me is that you have an issue with yourself with self-confidence... Do you feel that, if you were able to socialise without the influences of alcohol, you would no longer be dependant on alcohol or need it so badly? Maybe that could be key if you can't kick the addiction.... Perhaps a change in personality is needed. I hate alcohol - not only because it doesn't taste great, but because I have seen it cause so much crud. I can't think of any positive outcome from getting drunk, whether plausible or in my own experiences. The best thing to do would be to stop buying alcohol completely - treat it as a part of a bad lifestyle that you kicking. If you feel you are unable to control your cravings, you may need more help with that problem. I am an introvert. It's not always nice to be the person who struggles to be sociable, but if that's part of your personality you need to start accepting that. Own that you are introverted in particular situations and do a little soul-searching of who you really are when there are no other influences. There are ways of becoming more comfortable with yourself in other company, but if you keep using escape routes, you are never going to manage to train yourself to do that.
