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Is what I'm doing wrong?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by malachite, Mar 22, 2010.

  1. malachite

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    So, here it is: I had a crush on this guy for a while. Problem is: he has a boy friend. We talk on facebook sometimes and we go to social events (always with a group never alone). So, my question is: know I have feelings for him and knowing that he has a BF is what I’m doing by chatting him up and making plans with him wrong? I mean I want to be more the just friends, and he has flirted with me (no I’m not just seeing that’s aren’t there, he really has). I feel really torn. Its never been my game to break people up. I just hate how much I wanna be around him then feeling bad for doing it.
    :help:
     
  2. Bradley James

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    Wrong? ... as it stands, I would say no. Right? No, it's not right either. It's in a grey area for me. As long as you two don't act on it while he is otherwise attached, than it doesn't cross that line of "wrong".

    You've just described my relationship with my best friend: she's engaged, I have a crush, and we flirt all the time. Even if it was wrong, I don't think I'd stop it... neither one of us will ever act on it.
     
  3. gaz83

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    if he is happy woth is boyfriend i would just leave him be. im not a big fan of people that go out to split people up. but then, there aint nothing wrong with some harmless flirting. tho in ur case it might not be a gd thing.
     
  4. malachite

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    I would never try to split two people up, I don't think I could ever be THAT selfish. Actually he doesn't talk about his BF that much, but they seem happy together.
     
  5. Sylver

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    Unfortunately I'm not sure there's much you can do without turning into someone you probably don't want to be. Look at it the other way; what would you think of a guy that tried to break you and your bf up if you guys were totally in love? Until and unless his relationship goes off track, then he is pretty much unavailable right now.

    However... I don't think there's anything wrong with making yourself available to him (I hope I'm saying that right). There is always the possibility that as good as he has it, you two would be even more compatible. That happens. So I'd say that your chatting him up and making plans with him is ok as long as you understand that there's a line that shouldn't be crossed (i.e. if he calls you on it then that's final). If he accepts your associating with him "as a friend" then you stay in his world and who knows? He might ultimately switch for you.

    But you could also waste a lot of time and effort on a fruitless endeavor, time which could be put to better use finding yourself a guy who's available. Just be aware of that. Personally, I would let him go and move on to better options, but that's just me...
     
  6. Austin

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    wrong is an opinion.
     
  7. joeyconnick

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    Here's a question: if he were willing to cheat on his boyfriend with you, would you? Because that's where the line (to me, at least) gets very clear.
     
  8. malachite

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    no I wouldn't, like I said trying to break people up isn't my game. I just...argh I can't even find the words right now.
     
  9. Bryan90

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    A way to look at it:

    There's nothing "wrong" with breaking people up. Everybody has the right to pursue whatever happiness they see fit.

    Logically, if A breaks B and C up by getting together with B. A is getting his happiness by taking away C's happiness.

    IN TONS of situation in life do we see a case where "A" fights for his/her happiness by taking away someone else's (C's) happiness.

    If fighting for your own happiness at the expense of others is wrong? Then I should just marry a girl because it would make my parents very happy.

    Narrative:

    In life, most people are just doing what they can to make themselves happy. The key question is: "what makes you happy?"

    It's like a probability model with an expected value calculation.

    Example:

    Flirting with him (+5 happiness points). But leads to a 50% chance of him being confused about liking you or his boyfriend and making him depressed and leaving the both of you. (-10 happiness points). also leads to a 50% chance of him leaving his boyfriend for you (+3 happiness points after taking into the consideration of the guilt of causing his boyfriend pain).

    So in this simplistic case, you'd go for it. and it would feel "right".
     
  10. hairdye

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    i'm in love with this logic.
    but i think that guilt of knowing you caused heartbreak to someone, because of wanting you own happiness more is a little more lethal to your own conscience than it sounds.

    if you took a lollipop form a 5 year old, because that lollipop would make you happy, does that make it right, since you fought for your happiness even though the lollipop meant more to the child than it ever would to you?

    no.
     
  11. Chip

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    Again, I begin to wonder if personal integrity and golden rule is some quaint, outdated thing that nobody gives a crap about any more.

    It's really, really simple.

    Point 1: If you (person A) were happily in a relationship with person B, and person B was also happy with you, but person C came along and started flirting and doing other things to make it clear to B that he was trying to entice him away from you, how would you feel?

    Point 2: If person B does, in fact, break up with person A to be with person C, then I would, if I were person C (and had any sense) be worried that person B would then break up with me as soon as somebody else more interesting in the moment came along.

    Do people do this all the time? Hell yes.
    Is it ethical? Not in my book.

    I personally believe in karma. You do selfish, shitty stuff like this, and it comes back to you. You show consideration and kindness to others, that comes back to you too. But you have to go with whatever your beliefs are.
     
  12. Chip

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    And that's why we have the mortgage crisis
    And a broken healthcare system
    And a broken financial system
    And a House and Senate that is full to the brim with crooks who will vote for whatever bill they get paid off the most to vote for.

    It is EXACTLY because people are greedy and selfish and only give a crap about their own happiness, and don't care if they have to rip off, screw over, or otherwise take advantage of someone else to do so.
     
  13. Jim1454

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    You enjoy this guy's company. That's nice.

    Why not invite him AND his boyfriend to things then. Get to know his boyfriend too, because he might be great company as well.

    If you're not willing to do that, then I'd suggest your motives aren't what they should be, and you need to back off.

    That, plus what Chip said.
     
  14. malachite

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    ok let me reiterate:I am not going to try and break anyone up!
    I just don't know if its right for me to keep hanging around him knowing that I want more then he can give.

    Chip: um, sorry I guess for worsening the world situation...:shrug:

    Jim: his BF does come along sometimes, and like I said it is always group activities, we're never out alone.
     
  15. Jonah 4

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    If your not afraid of causing relationship problems between him and his boyfriend then what is causing you to feel guilt or worry over your actions?
     
  16. warrior

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    If you are chatting with him as a friend, I don't see any harm in it. You shouldn't think of getting him, as that's going to cause you pain.
     
  17. Johnnieguy

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    Let's just suppose that he breaks up with his boyfriend to be with you. You have done nothing to break them up, except talk and flirt. But he made the decision and had no special help from you.

    Would it be worth dating him, since if he left the other guy so willingly/easily, who is to say that he won't do the same thing to you?
     
  18. Jay D

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    OK, well first off you've got a problem with the boyfriend. Unless the guy you like really doesn't wanna be with his boyfriend, that could be problematic for all three of you.

    Other than that, I think you ought to tell the guy how you feel and see what he says. If he likes you too then maybe you guys could try and work something out. If he doesn't, then I guess you'll just have to pick yourself up and try to move on.

    Sorry if it's harsh but I'd say the same to anyone in your situation.

    J x