I'm currently unsure about my sexuality. I think of myself as bi because I do find both gender's attractive or so I did. But recently my attraction to women has disappeared. Although this isn't the first time it's happened. Last year for about a period of a month I lost all feeling for either gender. And I've always seemed to be more easily attracted to guys. Now recently I finished my first guy/guy relationship and during that time I felt waaaaay happier than I've ever felt being with a girl. I also find it strange that I'm opposed to the idea of being gay. I guess it's more a fear that with being gay I lose one of my biggest dreams. That is to have a family. I also see myself with guys when I'm young but being with women when I'm old. It's been starting to mess with me now. So now I'm thinking what if my attraction to women it just a subconscious effort to give myself hope that in the future I'll be able to have a normal hetero life. This has became more urgent for me as I want to come out to my friends and stop lying about who I am. But how can I come out if I don't know what the hell my sexuality is.
Hi there! I think it is normal to go through these kinds of phases where you feel a change in the strength of your attractions. (*hug*) As you explore your feelings and try to understand them, you will be able to figure things out. That said, you already have a number of clues that will help you to figure things out. One, you have mentioned that being together with another guy made you happy and it felt right for you. That's a huge clue and it is definitely one to explore further. But also keep in mind that sexual identities are fluid and they can change over time. Sometimes, it is better not to label yourself and really just go with the flow. I mean there are a lot of people who had the opposite experience, of where they saw each other with women when they were younger but as they grew older, they increasingly saw themselves with men, because they came to learn what their true sexual identity is. Your fears of being gay could also be related to having built internal homophobia that often 'fights' against your true feelings for a guy or your sexual identity. Internal homophobia is built up though trying to repress your sexual identity, of being fearful of what others, i.e. your friends and family will say. But as you continue to come out and as you built up your support network and have more dating/relationship experiences these feelings will disappear. Some of the insecurities about your future will also disappear. Yes, I think your thoughts of living with a women later in life could be in part to your internal homophobia that makes itself known through various ways. I think when it comes to coming out, your don't necessarily need to know what your sexual identity is or need to define yourself according to a label. You can come out to others by saying, "I'm questioning my sexual identity, and I am not sure what to make of all my feelings, and I'm trying to figure it out." Sometimes, having that out there and the support from friends can actually be of great help in figuring things out. Talking to your friends about your fears, or about your feelings, allows you to listen to yourself and to think perhaps a bit more about your own feelings. Also, try to read a couple of resources on the web. EC has a great resource section, start with that. There is also the Human Rights Campaign website which has also a number of different reading materials online that could help as well. (*hug*)
Well, I certainly couldn't pass judgment on you in particular because hey, I don't really know you, but I do know that the above bolded passage is what I think is at the root of most "bi now, gay later" transitional bisexuality phases that many people go through. It is HUGELY common for people to be hung up on having families and not being able to do so if they're gay. There's two problems there: first, I don't really think many people actually interrogate why they want a family (and by family here, I am assuming we're talking about a partner and children) and I think that if more people did, fewer people would want them and more people would realise they only want a family because it's (falsely) presented as such a central, necessary part of being a human being. Second, in most Western democracies, it's quite possible to have a family if you're gay. It's harder in some than in others, granted (like the US vs. Canada), but it's totally doable.
Zeke, it sounds to me like you're going through the classic stages of loss, in this case, loss of identity as a straight person, and the things that (at least in your perception) go along with that. Most people who go thorugh the process of coming out have a period where they go through this. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Denial is pretty obvious; anger is the "Why did God do this to me" or "Why am I fucked up like this" or whatever. But bargaining sounds like where you are right now; the "Oh, i'll be with guys for now, but eventually, I'll grow out of it and find a wife and settle down". As Joey said, the classic "Bi now, gay later." So that sort of bargaining is often a (usually unsuccessful) attempt to reconcile the old truth with the new truth. And then, as you begin to accept the new truth, you grieve the loss (in this case, of the straight identity and whatever comes with that) and come to accept the new truth. I think that having an understanding of that process can be helpful in allowing us to reach greater peace with ourselves more quickly, and at the same time, it allows us to recognize that it is not a process that we can "hurry" and that it's fine to take our time to understand and accept ourselves. No one but you can know the ultimate truth of where you are on the Kinsey scale. But it does sound like you are mvoing more toward the gay side. I'd say just go with the flow and experience life, and let the process unfold for you as it will.
that's fine.. everybody (almost) went through all those stuff and someday you'll find the answer.. and dont think too far to the future, just do what best for this moment Good Luck
That's perfectly normal. Some gay boys know from a young age that they exclusively like boys, others find they have some attraction to girls, think they must be bi, and settle into thinking like that for a while. Then after a while they realize that the attraction to girls slowly dies away, and they think of themselves exclusively as gay. I'd be in that second group, and got over girls much later than you, when I was 22. Not that it matters when you do get over girls, but probably better to build up relationships similar to how they will be in later years for you. I do know that it's confusing, but it'll work itself out for you.
I'm pretty much going through the same thing as you right now. Maybe not exactly the same but the confusion is still there sometimes. The best advice someone ever gave me was to stop trying to find out and to just start feeling. So far, I came out as bi just because it seemed the label that described me the most. I'm now dating a guy and I feel just like you.I don't think I felt this much excitment with the girl I was before, but maybe is just because of the person and not the gender. Just letting you know that you aren't alone in this. Always here to talk if you want
I wouldn't fret the future too much. Time is on your side, so take advantage of it to not rush to any conclusions just yet. Allow each stage of your life to evolve and live that stage to its fullest. No one here can predict with any certainty where you'll be in 10 years. You might be bi and in a relationship with a girl and starting a family. Or you may be gay and you may be in a loving relationship with a guy and also have a family - because that is definitely an option these days. Or, don't be too surprised if you're proudly gay and in a relationship with the dream guy of your life and you don't want a family. Our priorities can change over time, and neither you nor I can say what will be important to you ten years from now. So rather than wasting energy and anxiety over whether or not you'll achieve your current dreams way off in the future, enjoy the present and keep growing. Keep discovering things about yourself. Enjoy each experience for what it's worth, knowing that each will help you build an understanding of who Zeke really is. And also remember that your sexuality is only one part of your life - work towards your dreams of a profession or career, of having good friends and a fulfilling relationship with your family. Become everything you were born to be!
I identified as bi for about a year. I thought just because I found some girls attractive, I must be bi. What made me realise I wasn't was when I fully thought about who I wanted to be with. Yes I can acknowledge that a girl is hot (the same way a straight guy could acknowledge when another guy is hot, although they probably wouldn't ), but do I want to be with that girl? No. I want to be with a guy. Not sure if the same will be able to apply to you but give it a think.
Thanks everyone I guess I'll just have to let time help me figure it out. I have to be honest I was pretty confident with coming out as bi but coming out as gay terrifies me. Mostly it's because I've noticed that being bi is somewhat accepted here but being gay is just flat out rejected. And well I usually tend to say "fuck peoples opinions" this is life changing once I come out there is no coming back. This issue will still confuse me but maybe I'd better not over think it and not worry about explaining my orientation.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one feeling this way. i going through the same situation. I wish i could give you advice but im confused as you are. My biggest dream for a long time has been to have children ( i want 5). Unfortunately i realized that my attraction to girls has gone away. This scares and confuses me a lot because accepting being gay will shatter my dream. I still have hope to find a girl that will change me, but finally i accepted the fact that i may find happiness by been with a guy. I wish you luck in your discovery journey, i hope you find out whaat makes you happy. After all be were born to try to find hqppyness. thanks for posting this because it has helped me too.
