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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 24th Mar 2010, 08:48 AM   #1
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Ok, I have bad news

I know that you guys have been following my coming out, and everything was going great. Well, the shoe dropped today. I guess my mom and dad talked about it last night or something, but anyways. They told me this is go one of two ways. The first way is: I go and talk to my pastor, get help and change and we put this in the past. The other is: If i don't get help and if I do choose to be gay, then they are going to ask me to leave the house.

If that happens, I have no where to go. I have no job, no car, no license, nothing. No friends to go to, no family to live with. Nothing, I have no one. My heart is breaking right now. I'm so scared and don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, that is happen, but I guess everything can't be all happy.

josh
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 08:59 AM   #2
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Josh -

We both know you can't pray the gay away. You are who God made you to be. I hate to think of you faking some sort of cooperation with your pastor and parents just to survive.

St Barnabus' is a gay-friendly Episcopal church in Greensboro. I think they would be willing to help you and I can open those doors from my end (again, without having to have your contact information). I also have some financial resources I can funnel to you through St Barnabus' to help you get through this.

I suppose it is possible your parents are just trying to scare you out of being gay and wouldn't really kick you out. Even if that is true, that's a fairly hostile situation in which to be living.

Anyway, let me know what you'd like me to do, if anything.

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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:08 AM   #3
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Josh,

I just sent you a PM. Hang in there! Remember it takes a long time for you to adjust and accept your sexual orientation. Its sometimes really hard on parents too.

Becky
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:09 AM   #4
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

You should go see your pastor and see what they say. If they start talking about being able to change you, or becoming straight, then you have to look for other options, but until then, your pastor might be able to help you. Ask to meet him one-on-one, without your parents, and explain the situation. Though homosexuality may not be completely supported by the church, most seem to accept that is something that cannot be changed, and we should not be chastised for. Your pastor may actually be able to talk some sense into your parents. He or she will probably be disappointed about the youth pastor thing as well, but the clergy recognizes that not everyone is called to be a member and they support that.

In short; Talk with your pastor like your parents ask. You might get a better response than you think.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:15 AM   #5
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

I really am at a loss of words. I feel so sorry for you, but at the same time I don't know what to say, cause I don't want to take things on the wrong direction. I hope others here give you sound advise, and your parents get to accept you soon. I just hope and pray everything works fine.

All the best.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:17 AM   #6
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

I'm so sorry Josh!! This is not how it's supposed to go, but it was always a risk. Here's my feelings towards you right now -

I'm going to give you practical advice because I think that's what's important right now. The most important thing is your personal security, so everything you do from this point forward has to be with that in mind. You've made it more than clear what their second option would do to you, so it is not an option. You only have one option, and that's to find some common ground with them where you can continue living under their roof until such time as you are able to live on your own.

And this is where you have your leeway, your negotiation room. You're going to have to negotiate some kind of a middle ground with them, and it will probably involve taking some steps back, although not all the way. This is the time to bring all your negotiating skills out and have a very tactful conversation with them.

Here's your range - everywhere from "Yes, I will see a pastor to change" to "Agree to disagree but I can still live with you." You're looking for as little backtracking as you can get away with to pacify them so they won't throw you out but at the same time you're not sacrificing too much of your principles. Here are a few possible outcomes;

"You're right, maybe I was too hasty and I need some time to think this through or work it out"

"Maybe I'm not 100% sure about this... I'll try and talk this out with a counselor or a therapist"

"I still think I might be gay, but I'll agree to explore this more before I say this is who I really am"


You probably know your parents better than any of us so I'm confident you can find that place where this defuses their instinctive reaction.

Another option, if you know your pastor well enough and if you are very confident in your personal strength and conviction, you might agree to speak with your pastor about this. But don't allow them to get involved - say this has to be between you and him. Then go and hear him out, and listen quietly without arguing. For all you know he might be willing to entertain a common ground, or he might even be sympathetic to your situation. But if not, then you are entering a battle of wits where you will play his game to some extent but all you're really doing is buying time for yourself by pacifying your parents. No, it's not the most honest approach, but your parents are at fault here, not you.

Whatever you do, don't agree to fully renounce your sexuality (you shouldn't have to give that up) and don't agree to remedial counseling by a conversion-oriented pastor because that might screw you up big-time.

And under pretty much all of the above scenarios, time is on your side. The farther you are able to get from this point without further aggravating your parents, the more likely they are to back off from such a firm stand. This is an initial hot and reflexive reaction on their part, and it's not likely to stand up against time. So what you need to do is buy as much time as you can without selling yourself out.

Then you need to evaluate your life and see where you go from here. If they are unwilling to concede anything on this over time, then for your own sanity you are going to have to find your independence. You are now old enough where given enough time you should be able to structure an alternate living arrangement that still meets your needs and allows you to grow in the rest of your life. It might not be easy, but it is not impossible.

Josh please get in touch with me if you need to; post to my wall or PM me. I want to see you through this and I will do everything I can to help you - I promise.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:21 AM   #7
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

^^ A very good one up there. I agree with it entirely. Hope everything works out at the end.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:47 AM   #8
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

I was going to type something, but James already said everything I was going to say.

I'm pretty sure that this is your parents going through the initial shock. People who are shocked don't always do the smartest of things. They are faced with a situation they don't know how to control and are defaulting to brute force to force themselves back in control.

Time really is your friend here. The longer you can hold their threats off, the more they'll be able to get over their initial shock and start to see that you are still the same son they always had, except that they now know one extra fact about you.

So, yeah, while coming back on it slightly and saying that you're "still dealing with it" and "still not entirely sure" or even "praying for guidance" might seem like going back on what you said (and might give your parents the mistaken idea that the hard approach helps), it would buy you time while they calm down and you come to a common ground.

It's also pretty hard to tell (and heavily dependant on denomination and individual temperament), but your pastor might be someone you can talk to to hold them off. At the very least, he might be able to convince your parents not to throw you out in any case.
Whatever you do, don't agree to any "conversion therapy", though. Thse are pretty much proven to be unhealthy brainwash-techniques that can only turn out harmful in the end.

This does sound like a pretty tough situation, but just remain calm and I know you can get through it! As unlikely as it may seem now, parents usually do come through in the end!
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 09:56 AM   #9
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Go to the pastor and have a good laugh at what he has to say (inside, of course). Then pretend you're magically cured until you can move out on your own (It can't be that hard... tell them you're straight and don't discuss it anymore) - hopefully soon since you're 21. That's what I would do. Or find a way to move out.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 10:03 AM   #10
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Hey Josh...Sorry that your parents have started to react this way. I can't really add anything to the advice above....but do try to think about some of the things that were mentioned above and see if something could work.

Your safety should always be for foremost on your mind. Maybe try talking to your pastor or with someone else you feel you can trust.

Are you in school at the moment? In addition to that also try talking to someone there if that is a possibility.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 10:04 AM   #11
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

I know it is scary going out into the world for the first time on your own, but I think you should look at this as a good opportunity. You can go out into the world and make it on your own now.

Find a job and a place to live. Spread your wings and all that.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 10:14 AM   #12
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

I am really sorry about you're parents reaction
James and Filip covered absolutly what I had to say. I just can add a few hugs and I hope things are going to get better.
Get in mind that your mother didn't have a bad reaction when you came out to her. I tend to think that this is something positive you have to old on to. Maybe discussing your homosexuality with your dad may have changed her attitude, probably because she is still in shock with your coming out and doesn't know how to deal with this, but I am sure that her initial reaction came from her heart and that she loves you.
Do what you need to stay safe. Agree to see your pastor (as Filip said, this might even be helpful) or to see a therapist, and keep the communication open with your parents.
It might take time, and I'm not saying it's going to be an easy path, but the more they'll realise you're still the same son you always have been, the more they'll be able to accept that your gay.
On the side of this, try to get some support. From an LGBT association if there is one in your area. From the church Mike send you a link too as well. People here may be able to help you, especially as you have to deal with extremly religious parents.
And don't hesitate to contact the people on here who had offered you their help and the staff team as weel. If there is any way we'll be able to help, we will.

Take care of yourself and hold on
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 10:39 AM   #13
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Thank you all for your support. To answer some of your questions, no I don't go to school anywhere.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 11:00 AM   #14
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Josh hang in there bud, you will find your way real soon! Just remember to be in a positive light, don't let the negativity get to you!
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 11:22 AM   #15
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Quote:
Originally Posted by dukeguy06 View Post
Thank you all for your support. To answer some of your questions, no I don't go to school anywhere.
Hey Josh. In addition to perhaps seeing the pastor, also try to get into contact with LGBT resources in your area. Here is link to PFLAG in Greensboro. They meet every third Tuesday of the month. Try to get into contact with them. It is very important that you also get as much as support as possible during this time.

Given that your parents were initially okay with it or tried to understand you, it is important that you give them the time they need to come around and understand what it means to the LGBT and that it is okay despite their religious values. Both are not mutually exclusive.

Education (over time) is going to be important. PFLAG could help you in getting into touch with others and down the road could also help your parents in understanding you.

If you want, try to contact them or try to attend a meeting.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 11:38 AM   #16
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Mirko brings up a very important point. Your parents are reacting like one would immediately react to a sudden injury; by trying to stop the bleeding any way they know how. They are retreating back to what they know, which is their firm religious position. They probably don't have any other perspective to turn to.

The biggest surprise my parents gave me yesterday is that they were able to (very quickly) find a middle ground that satisfied both their need to still love their son while respecting their firm religious values. I'm not sure how they found that place, because it wasn't of my doing. But the point is that they were able to reconcile the two to their own satisfaction.

I can picture how things might have gone in your mother's mind as she was struck with this revelation. Her initial reaction was to swing to the side of supporting her son, which she did. But then somewhere in the dark of night her religious side appealed to her, and in concert with your dad they felt obligated to respond to that - and so the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. I think they may not know how to find a point of balance between their love for their son and their strong religious convictions.

And this is where a group like PFLAG might be able to help you to help them find that place of reconciliation that my parents found on their own. It clearly exists - that's the only way my parents could have reacted as they did. Maybe this is part of your task over the next while - to equip yourself (with the help of others like PFLAG and us here at EC) with the tools to help your parents see that it is possible to both love their gay son and at the same time to respect their religious values.

For that reason I would strongly encourage you to try and attend a PFLAG meeting. This might lead you to the key that gets you through this without any compromise at all!
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 11:47 AM   #17
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

first i'm sorry to hear about this current situation that being said i do have a few questions that maybe can help some of these people help you (I myself don't have much that i can say or do that hasn't been said or done)
1) How long since coming out before your parents put up this ultimatum?
2) Did they talk to the Pastor before deciding on this course of action? Is he an influence on their decision?
3) Is your church at all gay friendly?
4) Have you talked on the subject with your parents at all yet?

You should definitely look to get help from PFLAG or any other LGBT organizations in your area, that support will help keep you sane. Also as has been stated DO NOT agree to any sort of conversion therapy or ANYTHING that will supposedly help "cure" or change you back to straight.

I think the best way to deal with this is on your parents terms, using religion as your backing. If you are in a hard place and need to say you are going to think about it the "praying for guidance" will probably be a good approach. The church mentioned above should definitely be on top of your priorities, talk to a pastor there and maybe get them to have a conversation with you and your parents. Also recommending going to see a councilor or psychologist would probably be in your benefit as the official APA stance on homosexuality is it is natural.

Best thing you can do is prepare yourself by learning the religious arguments and how to counter them. Generally when dealing with religious people you have to fight on their terms.

I agree that time will be very useful in helping your parents calm their views, however you should still make it a top priority to prepare by visiting that LGBT friendly church, talking to PFLAG, and doing some research. Hang in there and keep us updated
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 12:03 PM   #18
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

well you say you have no money, or no where else to go. Perhaps you could tell your parents that you lied about being gay and you are really straight. They still may think you might be gay but perhaps lieing and telling them what they want to hear while you still living there and you have no where else to go is the best way for now.

Anyway I strongly recommend you to try the hardest you can ever try to get a job so you can get an income, as getting your income is so important and a major step in moving out.

Once you move out you can freely live your own life and not answer to your parents.

But of course I 100% agree what the above poster stated and it is strongly very recommended you attend a PFLAG meeting. Dont tell your parents you are going as they dont need to know.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 12:10 PM   #19
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Make it a priority to find a job. With that you might get some friends too. You'll feel a lot better about your future when you have some money coming in and then you won't be financially tied to your parents.
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Old 24th Mar 2010, 12:58 PM   #20
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Re: Ok, I have bad news

Hey, guys To answer more question:
No my church isn't gay friendly at all, No my parents didn't talk to my pastor before telling me this, It was about a day/night.

I wrote my parents and letter, because I'm not good at talking about how I feel. Here it is:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I just want to start with, letting you know I will always love you, no matter what happens. You guys are the best parents any one could ask for. You have always put our needs before your needs. You gave us love and happiness. What more could a child ask for.

When I told you guys that I was gay, I did it because I love you guys so much and hating lying to you. I didn’t do it to hurt you guys or to make your life harder on you. I know, this is the hardest thing you guys have to live through, and I understand that you guys are confused and at lost of words, and don’t know what to do. I understand that you want to talk to someone about it, but once you do, you guys will have to be ready for what comes with it.

You guys raised me up in church, and I know all about the Bible. That being said, you want to know how I would say or think something like this. You might say, well you said this before about gay people and so on. Or how can you choose something like this? My answer is this:

I have always known I was gay, so to speak. There was a time where I thought I was bi, because I loved Katelyn, but that wasn’t the love like you two have. It was the love of a friend, a sister. I told myself that it was sexual love, but that was a lie. You see, I have for my whole life tried to stop being gay. You guys don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep praying and begging God to take it away. In hopes that in the morning I would wake up and I like girls. You guys, don’t know how many times I wanted to kill myself because I thought I was nothing more then a dirty faggot. I hated all other gay people, because I hated who I really was. If I could I would choose to be straight, no one wants to be gay or different. No one wants to go all their life knowing that people will hate them. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone in the world.

That being said. I didn’t choose this, I was born this way. I never, ever ever, liked girls that way. I tried to, I tried to pray it away, I even got saved and it still didn’t go away. So, where does that leave us? I have no clue, I know I really don’t want to talk to Mark about it, I can’t face him. I already know what he will say, I’ve heard it all my life. I guess if you want to talk to him you can, but once you do, you can’t turn back. There are a lot of other groups or people that you guys can talk to. By no means am I telling you guys what to do.

Now, on to the issues of you guys asking me to leave home. If that is what you guys truly want, then I guess, I will have to do it. There are a lot of groups out there that are willing to help me, I’ve already checked. But, I hope and pray that you guys will not throw me out on the street. I believe we can come to middle ground on this. If you guys can’t handle all of this, then I will start working my hardest to look for a job, get my license and a something to drive, but I would need your help, if you guys are welling. I’m 21 and I believe it is time for to get on with my life.

The last thing I want to say is this. No matter where we go from here, or what we do, I hope you will always love me as your son. Because I will always love you guys with all my heart. I know this is hard for you guys, but it is 10000 times harder for me. My family is my heart and soul. And with out you guys, I don’t know what I would do. There is nothing you guys can do or say that will ever make me stop loving you guys. And I hope for the same from you. I know in my heart, that I love God and Jesus with all my heart. That is a big part of my life, but they only thing I know, is if being gay could change then why has it not changed after begging and praying. I don’t know all the answers, but the only answer I know to be true, is if we work together, we will be able to get through this as a family. It might now be the way you think, but we will be stronger on the other side.

Love always,

You Son Josh

P.S.: Just to make this clear, I don’t think I can talk to Mark about it, or anyone in our church, I don’t know why, but I can’t. I’m sorry.
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