I really have no idea what to do anymore people. It's been five years as of this July since I tried coming out to my parents about me being gay. Since then I've been out to all my friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, everyone. My parents (and grandparents but they're 88 and 91 with Alzheimers, Parkinsons, etc so I'm not gonna worry about telling them) are the only ones who still don't know, or at least are in deep denial. It's not causing me the depression I went through when I was in my fifth year of high school (extra year not cuz I failed a year), or through the odd feelings I got last summer, but still I feel like I'm causing problems for my family having to hide it all this time. And when it comes to a boyfriend, I constantly have to say "oh I'm with [insert best friend's name here]" instead of saying "oh I'm with [insert a boyfriend (if i ever get one that lasts) name here]". I mean it doesn't even need to say I'm with my boyfriend, but I never hang with a guy so obviously I can't say a guy's name. ANYWAY, I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna be closeted forever to my parents, but I don't want to ruin the extremely loving relationship I have with my mother. We're best friends, and I couldn't bear to have her look at me with disgust, shame, fear, etc. When I came out to her five years ago, she tried to kick me out but I went back in the closet. She's expressed over the years in some manner that she still knows but at the same time denies it like saying I should date my best friend, telling me to correct my posture especially walking downtown as she wouldn't want me to get hurt or beaten up, and several other things. So seriously, I just DON'T know what to do.... Please tell me what you guys think because I have no idea anymore. My aunt's worried about me, because she doesn't want me to go into an inescapable depression, or anything like that. So any advice, would reeeeeeeally help. Hell my mom didn't like me having gay themed fiction or Queer as Folk. If she knew I bought all the seasons and more of the books, I just...yeah....and I hate hiding that from her too.
How does your dad figure into all of this? Is all of the concern about your mother? I have a good friend who has been with his partner for 32 years. His elderly mother has known his partner and even sends Christmas and birthday gifts. My friend, however, has never technically come out to his mother. He has simply lived his life and let her come on board as time went by. I'm not sure if this is good advice but my friend's approach is one answer. Simply get on with living your life as a gay person and let your parents come along as they are willing and able. Peace,
My Dad would probably be more accepting, plain and simple. When I tried coming out he went off to golf.
For me it's my dad that pretty much wasn't happy with the news. The only thing I can say is to try to talk to her about this. Try to remind her that you were always the same person.
Revan, do you still live with your parents? I understand the heartache you're going through. I'm sure many others on EC can also relate. Most parents don't take it well and either: deny that they need to talk about it, or tell you to get out of their lives or change. Have you tried leaving books or printed off papers on Coming Out and help for parents/relatives of LGBT people (PFLAG?) on the table or somewhere they'll see it? Tell them that it's who you are and that you'd like to discuss it like rational adults.
Yeah I live with them. It's not a case of this, it's a case of fear. I just can't bring myself to bring it up...
I don't know all the details of your story. And, I'm not out to my parents yet, so I can understand if you don't want my advice. But, it seems to me that you have ALOT of support behind you (especially from your aunt). And, if you're as close to your mother as you say you are, then it seems she would take it well. I mean, sure she may not take it too well at the beginning, but I think over time she would come around. That's my two cents anyway. Good luck, and keep us updated on whatever you decide to do. (*hug*)
The fear can be worst than the actual coming out to her. Just try to talk to her or as RaeofLite said to try PFLAG. I hpe things turn on good for you.
I remember the fear was the worst. But once the parents knew, I just went out and bought a book on Coming Out and Commonly asked Questions about Gay People (not the actual title of the book) answered by a gay man, highlighted a few sections and took a deep breath. I presented it and some links to PFLAG to my mom (who was having the worst time) and told her that I loved her but that we had to talk about it. I handed it to her, she put it down. It was later moved to rest beside her chair in the living room so obviously she read through some of it. It takes time and patience, but you have to brave to bring it up. (*hug*) I know you can do it. And I'm here to personally support you.
im more amazed that most of your family and friends know ur gay yet no-one has said to your parents. you have great people around you.
Your parents know - and the longer you keep protecting your mother, the longer she's going to live in this state of denial. I doubt that it will change much between you, but at the end of the day, are you going to sacrifice your own happiness just to keep your mother's fantasy alive? I'd say get together with your mom and your aunt, and get this out in the open. Tell her that you are gay (again) and tell her how damaging this has been for the past several years by keeping this locked up and hidden from her. And then carry on with your life - as others have suggested above. If you've got the support of your siblings and extended family - and likely that of your dad - then your mom would have to stand alone on this issue or change her tune. I'm guessing she'll change her tune. Eventually.
