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Moral Crisis

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RaeMoral, Mar 24, 2010.

  1. RaeMoral

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    First off.... I'm new! I'm an active reader but just now signed up, I don't know why it took me so long. Anyway, I need some help. I'm going through some kind of moral/ethical crisis here.

    In high school I met my first boyfriend and fell in love with him. Our relationship lasted through high school and into college. Now we had small bumps like any other romance but, our friends always referred to us as a "power-couple" due to our staying together for so long. Last year we broke up and, not because we grew apart or anything but, someone came between us. Both my ex-boyfriend and I have been and are active within our college's LGBT group. When we were sophomores we were still going strong and as happy as ever. However, that year was when he entered our lives. Lets just call him... Jay.

    Jay was a freshman who was clearly closeted during high school and, now free in college wished to explore his "options." Now we go to a SMALL liberal arts college so our LGBT groups is also small and, this guy set his sights on my boyfriend. I knew about this at first but, it never bothered me because I figured we had a solid foundation and were discussing living together. So in the beginning I allowed him to flirt with my boyfriend (to make him feel good about himself) although he knew WE were together. It wasn't until later that I learned from another member of our group that he began talking absolute shit about me to him.

    He was tellimg my boyfriend about how he shouldn't spend his whole life with just one person and that he needed to "explore" his options in life before making such a rash choice. I thought this was ridiculousness and confronted the fairy, queen style. Now I'm not violent and will not punch someone but, I will smack the white off a bitch. His only reply was that in the end my boyfriend would make his choice. I thought he was a fool but, to my surprise my boyfried abruptly ended our relationship citing he felt "tied down." We were always good at communicating and he never mentioned this before so I KNOW that this little queen manipulated him into dumping me.

    Shortly after our break-up (which was heart breaking for me) he got what he wanted: my boyfriend. Now this caused EVERYONE in our LGBT group to turn against Jay as some tried to speak on my behalf to my ex-boyfriend. They dated for a little over a year but, eventually broke up and I thought this way a ray of hope for reconciliation. Alas, my ex-boyfriend decided to spend this past school year abroad in Spain (his major is Spanish). The little man-slut still goes to school here and, just recently tragedy struck his family and his mother died.

    Since everyone despises him for a driving a wedge between me and my ex-boyfriend... he has no one to lean on. I mean seriously he has NO friends after doing what he did. When in a small school you tend to know almost everyone and since I knew them first most have been on my side. I've tried to make ammends with this guy in the past and once I asked him why he hated me so much and he responded (with rage in his voice) that is was "Because everyone loves you!" Now I'm debating if I should offer a tentative truce and be there for him since no one else is. I know this is all over the top high school diva drama but, I'm being SERIOUS, I don't know what to do.

    Should I come to my arch enemies aid?
     
    #1 RaeMoral, Mar 24, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  2. padre411

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    I think forgiveness is as much about the forgiver as it is the one being forgiven. It might not be a bad thing to let go of the desire to "slap the white of a bitch." :eusa_ange Of course, there is every possibility that an attempt to be supportive might be rejected out of some misguided pride on his part. If this happens, at least you will have made the effort.

    Is it possible that two or three of you could attempt something together? That might diffuse some of the "me vs him" dynamic. I'm not sure what your initial overture might be. Something social, perhaps? A not of sympathy? A donation to a charity in his mother's memory?

    I think it says something good about you that you are even struggling with this.

    Peace,
     
  3. joeyconnick

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    Oh gosh.

    I was so in the "not your problem" camp regarding helping him out until you said he lost his mum.

    I lost my mum about 3 years ago. It's not really something comprehensible to most people, I don't think, how bad it is. And he's really young to have lost his.

    And there is the fact that however Iago this guy went on your boyfriend Othello so he'd metaphorically kill you, Desdemona... well, he didn't force him to break up with you. Your ex listened to him and that was his choice. I mean, it was a totally shitty thing to do, yes, maybe one of the shittiest things you can do to someone... but for it to work, your boyfriend had to have doubts (understandable) and to let those doubts grow (his failing).

    And I have to say his whole "Because everyone loves you!" meltdown makes me feel sympathy for him... he sounds pretty twisted up inside (which you would have to be to do what he did to you and your ex).

    I seriously don't know. I mean he made his bed, so you letting him lay in it would be totally understandable. But then is that all we should be expected to do?

    And it could backfire in so many ways, trying to help him with his grief. He might resent you more or he might use your compassion towards him against you--I dunno. Some people can change and some people can't. But losing your mother...

    I think... I think I would try to help him. Do unto others as you would have them do do unto you, not as they have done unto you. But I wouldn't think any less of you for deciding to let it go, provided you treated him with respect, if not greeted him with open arms.
     
  4. Beachboi92

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    i think honestly all you have is things to gain by trying to help him
    lets say you try
    1) It will be healthy for you to get past the issue of him and your ex and maybe clear up the questions still left from that break-up if he accepts and u start communicating
    2) He could ned up apologizing (i mean don't count on it but maybe)
    3) He would really feel like a massive jackass wether he accepts the friendship or not because he would realize how much of a jackass he was to a good person
    4) You can feel good knowing that you did something good and that you are a good person for doing what you did

    If you don't try to help (which is completely understandable) then
    1) you get to feel better at his expense (its like passive vengeance in the form of karma :x)
    2) He still feels even worse than a jackass

    these two are essentially a version of "karmas a bitch lol so sad for you asshole" so i wouldn't blame you for taking that road. But option 1 is completely viable and as stated before that break-up would have had to be partly your ex :/
     
  5. Owen

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    Although what he did was pretty immoral, you have to thank about what may have motivated Jay's action. You said he was closeted during high school, so imagine what it must have been like when he came to college and could finally be himself. Imagine what it must have been like for him to see all of his high-school friends in happy relationships while he was probably forced to be single. As someone who is dealing with feelings of desperation for a relationship, I can understand the motivation for his actions, even if I don't agree with what he did. After dealing with that for so long, his desperation is pretty understandable.

    Now, suppose he went to your GLBT group in the hopes of meeting someone to finally fulfill this desire that has been brewing in him for so long. You said your group is pretty small, so he may have been dismayed when he didn't meet any people who he really clicked with. I mean, if he had liked any of the single people in the group, I imagine he would have gone for them rather than for your boyfriend, since they would have been easier to go for. Then again, maybe he was attracted to the whole "forbidden fruit" aspect of going for a taken man, or maybe your boyfriend was just the most eligible person in the group, and in Jay's moment of desperation, he went for your BF.

    Does that justify his actions? Absolutely not. However, the point is that he may have not been completely aware of what he was doing because he was so desperate for a relationship. That's all I'm trying to get across, and it's something to think about when you consider how you'll go about this situation.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    This says it all for me. It's drama. So is 'bitch slapping' someone in my opinion. So if you're into that, then by all means. But he sounds unstable and likely more trouble than he's worth.
     
  7. malachite

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    While I have issues in the forgiveness dept. you should concider what this guy went through. Like you said he was closeted through high school, I assume you weren't since you had a BF, but maybe u 2 were closeted together. You had someone to lean on those years, he didn't. When we see people with things we want, or things we think we deserve, it twists itself into anger, but anger is just a "cover emotion" meaning it isn't a pure emotion, it is caused by something else, in my opion jealousy. He wanted to make you feel bad because that is how he felt.

    he said it himself: "Everyone loves you!" that says he feels unloved and wanted it, and he'll get it however he can.

    Now on the flip side what he did was wrong, and is paying for being a jackass, he is even more miserable then he was before. Now I can't tell you that you should comfort him in his time of need, I can't guarantee that I would, and in my exerpience people who backstab you will do it again and again if you let them.

    The thing you need ask yourself is: How will I feel about myself when I go to sleep tonight.

    Anyway, thats my opinion take it for what it is.

    Good luck out there :thumbsup: