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How do I even..?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SRSLYMARK, Mar 28, 2010.

  1. SRSLYMARK

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    This is going to come out extremely disjointed and I am not even about to apologize.

    The guy I've been on-and-off with for the past two years met someone else. He's leaving for good.

    I honestly cannot stop crying. I thought there was a chance of us salvaging something and it's too late now. I couldn't keep up. It was only a matter of time before he found someone better and he did.

    I really have no idea how to manage these emotions. Every time I try to verbalize them or make sense of them, I just cry more.

    This kind of things has happened to me before, but never at such an intense level.

    I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this. I guess I'm just hoping someone out there has been through this and understands.
     
  2. padre411

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    Okay, first (*hug*)(&&&)

    I'm not sure what you mean by not keeping up. This just sounds like you are really hard on yourself here, taking all of the blame for the breakup. I just don't buy it - you are talented and funny and deserving.

    I don't know what to tell you to do for the pain other than endure it. I myself think cheesecake helps but then I am paying the consequences of that habit.

    I hope you can sleep tonight and I pray that tomorrow brings a new perspective.

    peace,
     
  3. Mogget

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    I've found that talking to yourself is a lot different from talking to others in terms of resolution. Do you have a friend (ideally one who isn't too familiar with your bf) that you can talk to? Or a pastor or therapist or family member?

    You might also want to call a crisis hotline. They're there to offer someone to talk to, not just to talk people into putting down the metaphorical (or literal) knife. I've gotten some great advice from people at the Trevor Project in terms of handling being dumped.

    And I haven't been through exactly the same thing, but I have been through similar. I was incoherent for ages after I fully accepted that my boyfriend had truly dumped me and that I'd never get him back. It's horrible, confusing, saddening, and miserable.

    But, I've found hope in my friends, especially those who didn't know my ex (which since you've been with him for ages may be harder, try those who liked you way more than him), and in my belief in my own self-worth (once I, y'know, acquired that belief. Which wasn't very long ago). If you look at mood indicator, you'll see that I consider myself stuck. I dunno quite how to move forward, but I do believe that I can. And I also believe that you can.

    There is nothing wrong with you. Let that be your mantra. It's an extremely hard to believe, but it's true, and once you believe that, you'll find that a lot of the pain goes away. Not all of it, but quite a bit. There is nothing wrong with you. (*hug*)
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! I'm sorry that this happened to you! (*hug*) Know that this is not a reflection on you.

    Take all the time you need to let it all out of your system. If you feel you need to cry or just shed some tears do so. Once you have done that, put everything away that reminds you of him and start turning the page.

    As it was mentioned above, talk to your friends, confide in people that you trust. Talk about your emotions and your feelings. Talking about things, will allow you to begin the moving on process. Sometimes what helps, is trying to make new friends, pursuing a new hobby or trying to pick up on an old one. Go for runs, join a gym

    Volunteering could be another thing because it will allow you one, to meet new people, two, it will give you sense of self worth, and three it will allow you to keep your mind occupied with something else. In fact, all of the things mentioned will allow you to do that.

    With time, all the intense feelings that you have at the moment, will dissipate and you will be able to form connections with someone else, someone who will want to continue a relationship.

    Take the time you need to turn the page, and it doesn't matter as to how long it takes.

    (*hug*)
     
  5. Sylver

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    As the others have said, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. It's a natural response and it's perfectly healthy to cry. And I really do feel sorry for you in your pain. (*hug*)

    Just remember that this isn't a reflection on you. Not all relationships work out, and while it can be a very painful process, this is how nature makes sure that in the long run you have the best possible relationship. It may be hard to believe but this might be a necessary step to finding someone much better for you - you may eventually come to look back on this as a good turn of events. The closing of one door is almost always followed by the opening of another.

    (*hug*)
     
  6. Jim1454

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    He didn't find someone better. He found someone better for him.

    There's a big difference.

    The two of you, if you were 'on again off again', weren't meant to be. But now that you're free of him you're (soon) going to be available for that great guy who is better for you.
     
  7. joeyconnick

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    I think it's important not to beat yourself up for feeling so bad about it. I know the last time I was dumped I was pretty much non-functional for a week, with periods during the first 2 or 3 days of that spent literally curled up in a fetal position on the floor, accompanied by a lot of anguished screaming. I even got a medical deferral for an exam and I'd never done that before, not even when my mum was dying of cancer. And to be honest, I don't think I'm really over it yet and it's been... well, three years this summer coming up. Not that I'm saying that to scare you--obviously I don't find myself curled up on the floor anymore but yeah, you would have to grieve a long time before you had to worry about it being excessive.

    There's just nothing to be gained from being down on yourself for feeling bad. It's totally normal, and as the song says, it's all right to cry. In fact, I think it's excellent to cry. Far better to cry than the opposite, which is to bottle stuff up.

    When something is on-and-off again, even though you realise it's maybe not unexpected that it's come to an end, it's maybe even harder than when it's solidly "on," because there's less of a clean break.

    You just really, really have to be kind to yourself. Find someone to give you a hug. Eventually you'll be able to breathe again. It won't stay like this forever. I promise.
     
  8. SRSLYMARK

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    Well, it's been about twenty-four hours and things have improved immensely already. A combination of watching The Nanny, a few good friends, Vietnamese food, and a new avatar has put me in a much better mood. He and I talked again today. I just let him know how I was doing, etc, and I guess he and his new guy are going on a date. I expected to be really annoyed by this, but I'm seriously feeling just fine. When we return from spring break things may get weird again (I'm a very visual person, seeing him is gonna be really difficult for me), but for right now, I'm enjoying myself, and that's all I can ask for.

    Thank you, everyone.
     
  9. RaeofLite

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    Advice I live by and tell others after a breakup:
    -Allow yourself time to grieve. Take 3 days to a week to grieve. Turn up the sad tunes, go through songs you used to listen to together, write letters to yourself, him etc. Get all the emotions OUT.
    -Then after that time, STOP. Throw out your letters, stop listening to sad, sappy music.
    -Download happy music that'll get you grooving again. Call up friends, practice a hobby or try something new you've wanted to do. Get OUT of the house. Be with friends and people you feel comfortable and happy around.
    Slowly, the pain will fade. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Bryan90

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    (Modified quotes)
    Lila: The matter of fact is that we have an inherent ability to heal. We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak.
    Christian: How?
    Lila: Hm. Practice.

    In any case, I am glad you're feeling better. And I guess it would be good to remember that you're capable of always feeling better.