Hi! I wrote a bit about myself and my situation in my introductory post (http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33347), however I didn’t want to make that post too lengthy, so I’ll tell you all a bit more here. Not sure if the Support and Advice forum is the correct place for this post, but I’ll put it here anyway. As I wrote in my original post, I’m 22yo, gay and not out to anyone other than a small number of other gay people. I currently live my Mum, who has raised me as a single parent since I was born. My Dad, who is from Fiji, has never had much to do with my upbringing; it’s not so much that I have a bad relationship with him; it’s more-so no relationship at all. I have two half-sisters, Suzette and Sarah and one half-brother, Mathew. Suzette is 42 and Mathew is 40; they are both from my Mum’s previous marriage and owing to the large age difference between them and myself, I have been raised as effectively an only child. I only found out very recently about Sarah, in fact I only knew I had a second half-sister for the past two months. Sarah is 31 and she was adopted out. I was never told this (although virtually everyone else in the family knew). I suppose I’m not the only one in the family to be hiding something quite significant about themselves! I’ve been questioning my sexual orientation since the time I was around 14 or 15 years old. By the time I was around 19 I knew that I was gay, but I’m still not sure that I ever consciously, even just to myself at that stage self-identified as gay. Around December 2009, I decided that at some point in the future I would come out. I’m not sure that there was any particular event that made me want to come out, but I suppose I just got sick of living a double life. Also for the first time, I have started to self-identify as a gay man, even if only to myself, which I have heard if the first step in coming out. Two events which have happened in the last two months have also made me more determined to come out. Firstly, at my workplace (large retail chain store), another employee asked if I was gay. She didn’t ask this in a negative sort of tone, just out of interest, as a gay guy she knows told her that he knew me (which he does). I was taken totally aback by someone actually asking me this and denied this. I felt a bit ashamed afterward for having denied being gay, given that I had made a commitment to myself to come out at some stage. However, I would like to do it on my own terms. Also, it made me realise that living in a small regional area, where ‘everyone knows everyone else’, as the saying goes, sooner or later, my family is likely to find out. Naturally I would prefer it if they found out from me and I know it would be much easier for them to accept if I told them. Secondly and this may sound strange, but finding out about Sarah and the fact that Mum never told me about his except in awkward circumstances (a letter arrived in the mail and not realising who it was from Mum opened it in front of me!), made me more determined to come out. Having to hide the existence of a child from one of your other children and then having to explain this under in-opportune circumstances would be just as difficult, probably more-so than coming out. This made me more determined to come out on my own terms. Also, the fact that Mum (and quite a few others in the family) were hiding something so important from me and that they had to go through the difficult process of telling me, made me feel more comfortable about coming out at some point. As I said before, I’m not sure if this belongs in Support and Advice, but I just thought I’d share a bit of ‘background’ on my situation. Adam
It sounds to me like you're ready. So I wish you luck with that. Coming out to the people closest to us is hard, but also very worthwhile. Don't beat yourself up over not coming out when asked at work. It's really none of her business unless you want to tell her. For someone to come out and ask - even if in a positive and seemingly non-judgemental way - is a little bit too forward for my taste. But don't let that keep you from coming out to her soon after you've told your family. People understand that it isn't an easy thing to deal with, and you simply weren't ready to talk about it.
Hey Adam! This is a process that each of us goes through. It seems to me that only a lucky few have always "known" that they were gay and so didn't have to go through much of a self-acceptance process. But for most of us it's a journey from our first realization that we're "different" from the others to being happy with being gay. And in my mind (and from my own personal experience), there is no question that you should get comfortable with being gay yourself before you bring this news to others. There are many reasons - you have to be able to stand up to all possible reactions, you have to be convincing (or you leave them an opening - if you're not sure then why should they be?), and like it goes in the world of marketing, if you're positive and happy about it then that's likely to elicit a positive response from them as well. As my extrovert business partner puts it, it's the difference between "Uh, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this... oh how do I put this... well I might as well just deliver the bad news - your dog is... dead..." and "Have I got some fantastic news for you!! You'll never believe it - your dog just died! Isn't that awesome??" The most reassuring thing is that you seem in control of the bigger picture. You seem to have things in order, and you are working from a plan. I'm not in the least bit worried about you because of this. When you're ready, go for it! But I'll leave you with the promise that if you ever need help along the way, just ask!
Thanks for your reply and JamesENL's too, I found them both really helpful and reassuring. Personally, I think I am ready too. When I first decided that I would come out, I thought I would wait until early 2011, shortly before I intend to leave home to go to university. This was to minimise any possible negative reaction to my coming out. However, I think that it is likely that I will come out sooner, probably in the next few months. I'm not sure if there's any particular way of knowing exactly when you are ready, but I have come to the stage where I think the stress of not coming out (and thinking about having to do it at some stage) is becoming greater than any possible negative reaction (I doubt in my family situation that there is any real risk of an extremely negative reaction, i.e. being asked to move out of home, etc).
Hey Adam, I know what it's like to look for a "sign" that you're ready to come out - I've been there. And for me, it was weighing the pros versus the cons. It just came to a point where I needed to do it for my sake, and I was ready to accept whatever might come as a result. It just sounds like you're in a good mental place to do this. Give yourself whatever time you need to think it through, make a plan, and then just do it. If my own experience is any example, it will make you feel worlds better once it's done!
