Help. I'm way back here, behind the rain coats.

Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! I'm glad you have joined and have started to talk about your sexual identity. Acknowledging that you have conflicting feelings is already a big step towards self-acceptance. What you have accomplished tonight is already huge. That is something to be proud off. (*hug*)

As you know, parents' reactions to coming outs in the family or even in the wider society often times are based on their own fears, misunderstanding of what it means to be LGBT, their personal views, cultural influences as well as wider societal influences. Similarly when it comes to homophobia among friends. While this is the case, a lot of parents, and friends do change however. Yes, sometimes it can take a while before they fully come to understand what it means and realize that their lives aren't affected by someone coming out or saying "I am gay." Education and patience are key.

It is quite normal to try to conform to societies' standards, and I certainly have done that until realizing that wait a second, this is not who I am, and I need to change that. Changing that and saying that 'I really need to bring down the wall that I built around me,' can actually be quite a liberating experience and it could definitely help you in figuring your sexual identity out and also in picking up on your involvement within the LGBT community, be it be fighting for equality, standing up for others, and helping others. I would agree that perhaps a part of you wanted to stand up for others because somewhere within you, you knew that you are also standing up for yourself.

Often times our feelings are battling within us against the internal homophobia that has built up over months and years, that in some respect, we can see ourselves with a man, but certain sexual acts go against these feelings. That said, we are all comfortable with different things or are very selective on what we find acceptable and what we don't find acceptable. It is possible that some of your ideas or repulsions will fade after you have overcome some of your internal homophobia. At the same time you might still feel the same way about certain things, but that's okay!

In figuring out your sexual identity, you already have a number of important clues. You want to be close to a man, perhaps you see yourself in a relationship with a man, and it makes you feel right. These are clues worth exploring and trying to understand deeper. As you know, we can have different levels of physical and emotional attractions to both males and females. And that is something that is worth exploring as well.

Having the connections and having friends who are LGBT is actually really good and fantastic, and it can be a tremendous help when you feel that you are ready to embark on your coming out journey. You have a best friend, to whom you can relate and who can relate to you. Once you are ready, talk to your best friend.

In exploring your feelings and trying to understand your sexual identity, try to talk to people. Try to start building a support network. I think being in a new area will perhaps give you a bit of a 'secure' feeling in that you can safely go to LGBT friendly places without having the fear of bumping into someone that you might know.

A good way to start in exploring your sexual identity more and also in becoming comfortable with the gay scene is perhaps by trying to join a LGBT support group or a PFLAG chapter in your area. Perhaps try to do some searches online and see if you can find a support group that is a safe place, that respects confidentiality and also offers some regular social events that will allow you to get to know people, and perhaps start creating a support network on which you can rely on and draw support on if and when you need it.

Hope this helps a bit!

P.s. never worry about taking up time. This is what EC is here for.

 

Hi, Bame, welcome to EC, and congratulations on having the courage to take these first steps for yourself.

Mirko's already given some great advice. All of the messages we get -- and not just from parents who may be less than enlightened on homosexuality -- tend to reinforce the notion that there's something wrong with being gay. And when we hear that message enough, it can really, deeply implant the idea that it would be So Awful To Be Gay that our unconscious does our best to "protect us" from the truth... whether that truth is that we are gay, or somewhere on the continuum between straight and gay.

Another element that plays into being authentic with ourselves is how our psyche handles information that doesn't fit into our schema, or model, of who we are. When we start to get information (in this case, to think about, and process feelings) that conflicts with what we've known, or thought we've known, about ourselves, there's a natural rejection, or denial that we go through; the new information doesn't seem to match the old, so it's easier to throw it away with denial than to readjust our view of ourselves to accommodate the new knowledge.

And in a way, accepting oneself as gay (or otherwise, as not straight) means, in a way, accepting a loss... the loss of our "straight" identity, and all that we perceive comes with that "normalcy." So again, our psyche has a way of processing this loss in stages to make it easier for us to accept and accommodate it. The stages of loss are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Denial is self-explanatory; anger can be "why am I stuck with this BS" or "why did God do this to me" or "wtf is wrong with me" or something else. Bargaining is often "Well, i'll be gay now, but I'll end up with a girl later in life" or "well, maybe I'm only bi" or "Maybe when I find the right girl I'll feel the connection" or something like that; it serves as a bridge to accepting our "new" self. Then grief is essentially mourning the loss of the "old" self, which gives way to acceptance of who we are.

Not everyone goes through all the stages in the same way, and not always consecutively; sometimes we move back and forth between diffferent stages. But understanding how that all works often makes it easier.

I can't more emphatically say that Craigslist is a really bad idea; ditto any of the other hookup sites. If you're just processing your feelings, the last thing you need is to be having random hookups, and probably with people who are, more often than not, less than emotionally healthy.

So checking out the gay-lesbian center or other resources in your area is a great start. Finding friends on Myspace (yes, it's out of date, but people still use it, and it's easier to find friends on Myspace than it is on Facebook) who share your interests and hobbies, but happen to be gay or bi is another good start.

Another suggestion I'd make is... take your time. Explore and just see how you feel. There's no timetable in which you have to do this, and no particular conclusion you have to come to; just arrive at what feels right for you.

And the last suggestion I'd make is to get a copy of a truly amazing book, deceptively named "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", by Joe Kort. Rather than being about relationships, it is much more about our journey as men to accept ourselves; the issues of internalized homophobia and how it affects us, the difficulty with connecting to others because of that, and how we can understand and change.

Please stick around here, post anywhere you feel inclined to do so, ask any questions you want (there are no dumb ones) and enjoy the community. There are a lot of amazing people here and I think you'll find it a great resource for support.

Also, feel free to PM me or any of the staff if you'd like to talk to someone individually and just discuss what's going on for you.

And please keep us updated!