As a quick background, I am confused about my sexuality. I haven’t decided yet what I want for my future, but the possibility of living as a gay man is not as scary as it used to be before joining EC and done some reading and self evaluation. I haven’t told this to anyone, but I wanted to talk with my mom about it without giving her any clue that I’m confused. Yesterday I found a very clever way to see my mother’s opinion about homosexuality. I asked her what she thought about Ricky Martin’s coming out. She basically said that it was a shame that he came out because he was a good singer. I was a disappointed about this answer, so I asked her what sexual orientation had to do with been a good singer. Well, she started with the old tell that gay = bad, that being gay is not normal, and more homophobic ideas, and that she was glad that no one in our family has ever been gay. I didn’t say anything more and decided to change the topic. I am not angry at her or blame her for having homophobic ideas, after all I come from a very conservative-catholic country where gay people have basically 0 acceptance by the society. Nonetheless, it scares me to know that my mother has those ideas about gay people and that has pushed me further into the closet. Well, what I wanted to know is if there is any way I could somewhat change my mother opinions about homosexuality, make her realize that being gay is not bad, but I don’t want to give her any clue that I’m confused. I’m aware that probably this is something difficult to do, but I don’t want to be forced to come out in the process because I don’t think I’m ready yet. Thanks
I think it's going to be a challenge to raise the topic without raising suspicion. However, I also suspect that if/when you finally tell her, the response you get will be substantially different. Dislike of gay people is almost always rooted in ignorance and fear; people can hate "them" because "them" is some group of people they don't know and have no relationship to. When it's her own son, her view is going to be different. Now... that isn't to say she may not go through a period of being unhappy, or trying to change you, or denial or whatever... but I do think that she'll be fine with it eventually. And I think that, honestly, you're probably not going to be able to do much to change her mind until she's forced to confront it in a more personal way. That might not be the answer you want to hear, but honestly, I don't think, except through having to confront the personal effect it will have on her, that she'll have any real motivation to try to change.
Here is the ultimate paradox - coming out to your mom will probably be the one thing that changes her mind about gay people. This is exactly what happened in my scenario. My family is strict conservative Catholic and my mom would regularly spout off about how gay is bad and gay people are sinners and aberrations and abominations to God and such... stuff that she learned from her teachings and upbringing and which was reinforced by a negative media depiction of gays and bad stereotypes, etc. She is the definition of a religious fanatic. So I was in the same situation as you. But..... Despite all this I had to come out to my parents, for my own sake. It got to the point where I could no longer live a lie, even knowing the possible consequences. So what happened when I came out? Right there on the spot, when my parents were faced with the stark choice between their religion or their son, they saw the light. They made the right choice - their son. And in that very moment my mom realized something life-altering for her - she figured out this equation for herself: James has always been a good son/person + James is gay = maybe gays are good people too And in a flash she was able to rework her entire understanding of both me and homosexuals. Now of course this doesn't help you directly. But it does indirectly. I too thought that step 1 was to modify my parents' thinking about homosexuals before step 2, coming out to them. But what happened was the exact opposite, and it worked! So maybe consider a different strategy. Let your parents be for now, and continue to work on yourself. You sound like you've made good progress - now get to the point where you are confident and happy with being gay, and where you are prepared to defend it to others. Move past confusion to acceptance - it is an achievable goal and it is a great place to be. But keep being the good person you are to the rest of the world, so that when you come out to them they will come to the realization that gays can't be bad because you're not a bad person. Then when you're ready, make a plan to come out to your parents. You'll know when you're ready, but make sure it's coming from a positive place. Then they'll see that this is who you are, and this is who you have always been, and they will have to face their own prejudices head on. Hopefully either immediately or over time, they will come around and see the light.
As James suggests, it'll probably your coming out that changes her mind. Your mother doesn't know Ricky Martin. She might like a couple of his songs, but that's about it. And once she found out about him being gay, she was welcome to simply close the door on him. To be brutally honest, there's a tiny chance that she may do that to you, as well. But it's extremely unlikely. Because she KNOWS you. She knows more about you than just what she's seen on TV. Up until now, she's been able to simply nudge aside anybody with the "gay" label. But with you, she'll be confronted with somebody with a full history. She'll be forced to say "Wait - if Mega is gay, what's that mean about my thoughts on gays?" Something that she didn't have to do with Ricky Martin. Lex
I would like to say that the experience I had with my parents was quite similar. The only difference was that they confronted me about being gay. I am not saying this to build up your hope that you will also have parents who are able to accept your sexuality right away. Instead, I just wanted to let you know that people can have surprisingly different reactions than what you might expect, sometimes for the better. (*hug*)
They better! I'm glad/surprised to hear that other people are/were in the same position I am in. Most of the gay people I know at my college are a year younger than me and out to their families, while I'm the closeted sophomore because of my Catholic upbringing and God-fearing mother (I'm just closeted to my family, I'm pretty much out at school :newcolor. I really like this advice:
Thanks for all your good advice and support. I think i've always been a good person and son,so probably once I come out my mother will realize that gay people are not as bad as she thinks. And for now, I think I'll focus in accepting myself the way I'm. I still have to fight against my own phobias and fears. Oh, and by the way, you can call me Momey. I've have had that nickname for a long long time. I dont know what i means tho (some random midschool nickname haha)
thats odd, the same topic came up today when i was at my sisters house. she mentioned ricky martin being gay and my stepmother made some comment about it. couldnt quite hear what she said but from the tone it wasnt good. then i was asked about my shoe i had on cos my sister thought they looked smart. then my stepmother made another comment about them being my gay shoes. wtf? how can shoes be gay? they are smart. i said to what made her say that. she never gave a reason just said they looked gay. so i came to the conclusion that she is actually more homophobic than i thought. i actually wanted to throw my glass at her. then my sister made a comment about not tolerating people that are gay. hmm, i think theres gonna be fireworks in my house soon.
I've never heard of calling shoes "smart." I might say, "that girl demonstrated some intelligent thought. She's smart!" Or when something stings, I might say, "Ow, that smarts!" Or if someone is being really sarcastic, a parent might say, "don't be smart with me!" But I've never heard of "You're shoes look really smart."
I have to agree with Markio. Though I don't claim to be up on the very latest in youthful speech trends, I'm usually somewhat in tune, and I've never heard that either.
wow youve not heard of smart looking? then again its kind of old really lol its what my grandparents or dad would say basically your looking good you look smart, formal clean presentable lol
Momey, I think you've got a great plan. No need to rush anything as far as coming out to parents. As you become more comfortable and well-adjusted within yourself, it will become a lot less of a big deal... and likely as well, if you aren't ever seen with girlfriends, your mom will probably hear the cluephone ringing and have a chance to at least consider the possibility
smart means nice looking lool. my fave trainers. http://www.schuh.co.uk/black-adidas-mactelo/3402327020/ i still dont see how she thinks that.
sound like the issue here, which is the most common, is lack of knowledge. You thinks gay = bad because she doesn't know any. So, when, if, you do decide to come out to her, just remind her that your the same person you've always been, you're just gay too. Good luck out there
Guess what mate, I'm in exactly the same boat as you, I know my mum has severly anti gay oppinions, just talking about this gay court case that was on the telly with her gave me a stomach ache. She was all like 'I will never let a gay into my house, I want nothing to do with them'. And I have tried loads of different ways of trying to change that oppinion without coming out to her, but all it has come to is that the people here are right, the only way I'm gonna change that oppinion is by telling her that I'm gay, and its scary as hell, but I don't think there's any way round it anymore. Randi.
