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What is keeping me from being happy?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dare2bProud, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. Dare2bProud

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    I currently have a job that I love, although I don't like who I am working with, I love my job. I've been talking to someone lately via email and txt, but we haven't met, I'm kind of scared. I feel so alone and abandoned. I am on my week's vacation from my job, but all I can think about is how robbed I have felt since I took the job in January. My text messages are constantly being ignored or dismissed by friends. My sister, who was my safety, recently begin dating someone. I have been home for a week but only saw her once before she left to be with him for three days and three nights in his hometown, leaving me to babysit her cats. Ugh. I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm so upset and hurt. I constantly feel robbed that I am still a virgin at 26 and did not participate in the exploring and experimenting most do at a very early age. My parents keep giving me the "girlfriend" speech this week, for some odd reason and asked if I approved of my tour partner being gay. Its been just a horrible week off. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hurt and bothered, plus, I think I'm crushing on someone that I shouldn't be crushing on, someone who has been so mean to me, but yet I'm crushing on him. Ugh. What to do. :bang:
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! (*hug*)

    You've mentioned that you love your job but don't like working with the others. Could you not find something that would allow you to continue doing what you love to do but at a different place? If you don't like working with the people that you are working with, and it is an irritant in your life, maybe you should (or could at least try) change(ing) the company.

    The time that you have during your weeks off, try to get to know new people. Call your friends, don't text them. Just call them and try talking with them and ask them if they would like to get together with you while you are in town.

    People move on in their lives and through that people change. People live their lives, things change. You have to keep up with that and accept that things are changing while you are gone, and can expect a few things differently when you do get a chance to come back home for a week or so. Reading through your post it seems that there is an 'implicit' expectation on your part that everything will remain the same or familiar every time you return. The first step for you to recognize is that things change and that you have to adapt to that change, whether it be by trying to carve a life out for yourself, whether it be by trying to connect with new people, or making new friends, etc....

    You are talking to someone online. That's a good step in that at least you are getting to know someone. Meeting someone that you have met online can be scary and nerve wrecking because when we talk with people online we don't get the 'whole picture' about them and perhaps there is a part of you that is scared in that you maybe have a good time chatting with him online but in real life it might actually be quite the opposite. Maybe you don't want to lose that.

    But here is the thing. Trying new things out and taking 'risks' (as it were) are part of life. And this applies to your 'professional' and well as 'personal' life. Without them we would be stuck. Without taking risks or trying new things out, we would never push our own boundaries and we would never learn new things about ourselves. But these are the things that allow us to grow.

    For you, a couple of the new things to try out, are to one, break out of the shell that you seem to have created around yourself; two, trying to get to know new people; three, looking into different opportunities with different companies; and four, taking charge of your life.

    I don't know what is so bad about being a virgin and being 26 years old. I mean who cares? Does it matter that you are a virgin and 26 years old? Nope! There is a place and time for everything.

    If you get into situations that are awkward or uncomfortable for you there are ways for you to get yourself out of them. If your parents give you the 'girlfriend' speech, maybe trying coming up with plausible answers as to why you don't have a girlfriend without coming out to them, if you feel that your parents could take it badly or it would create an even more stressful situation for you.

    Fix the things in your life that need fixing first. You are the only one who can change things in your life begin with the things that you can change at this time. If you are willing to do that, and open up the circle in which you are finding yourself in, you will see that things get slowly better. But as mentioned, you need to be the one that initiates that change. If you need to, try seeking some professional help. There is no shame in asking for help or at least for some guidance.
     
  3. Chip

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    Therapy.

    I don't often put it that bluntly, but I believe that you could really benefit from finding a great therapist and getting into a good therapeutic process to explore all that's going on for you. because, from what I can observe, you seem to be going in circles.

    I've seen you talk repeatedly, in just about every thread or post, about various types of situations where, from my perspective, it sounds like you're feeling victimized. You don't always describe it like that, but one pattern that seems consistent is disempowerment; back in the theater situation, you described an environment where people were walking all over you. Then, when you got to the touring job, you experienced your co-presenter as being alternatingly hurtful, inviting, and aloof.

    Yet it seems difficult for you to take empowering actions for yourself, or if you do, you describe situations where you fall back into the same patterns of feeling disempowered.

    Your sister is her own person, and it's certainly within her rights to spend time with her boyfriend; she is not your babysitter, and if you feel the need to lean on her so much that it's problematic for her to be spending time with her boyfriend, it's likely that you're relying too much on her. And if you're finding your text messages being ignored, it's possible that the nature of your texts, or your previous interactions with your friends are perceived by them as being very one-way; if you're leaning on them and constantly talking about your problems, you may be draining them without giving anything back, and over time, people lose interest in friendships like that.

    And I'm guessing that the guy you're crushing on is your co-presenter on tour. If I'm right, as you've said, you know that's not healthy, and is yet another reason why you need serious professional help to understand your repeating unhealthy patterns and disempowerment.

    I'm anticipating the argument that it isn't feasible to get into therapy because you're touring. And my response to that is that you can find a therapist who will work with you by phone. It's not as easy to find someone who is comfortable doing that, but there are therapists who do. Back when I was touring, my therapist and I had hour-long phone appointments every week, and while it wasn't quite the same as being there in person, it was still enormously effective and helpful, and allowed me to keep up the self-growth work when I wasn't able to be there in person.

    Finally, there are plenty of people who are virgins way beyond 26, and quite a few people who didn't come out until their 30s or 40s or even later -- a friend of mine came out 3 years ago at 68! So yes, it sucks that you didn't get to do the exploration or experimentation that most people get to do during their teen years, but you can't change what's in the past. What you can do is work on changing the present, and moving toward the future.

    The good news is, if you can get yourself into a place where you can envision being healthy and happy, or even to a place where you recognize the need to change and start taking steps to do that, I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you can realign yourself and start moving forward in a positive direction. But change is scary, and often, the only time we're willing to face the fear of change is when the discomfort of the present situation is greater than the discomfort arising from the fear of change. I think you're at that place, and I think you are ready to take the next steps you need.

    If you need some help locating a therapist, message me and I can probably find some resources to help you. In any case, keep us in the loop.
     
    #3 Chip, Apr 2, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  4. dude99

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    You have had a week off. If I had one week off then I would go away to some exotic location far away for a vacation.
     
  5. Markio

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    I agree with Chip wholeheartedly. In fact, many of the dilemmas you are facing sound like the come from habits that I have as well: feeling pressure to act for others and expecting others to do the same for me; feeling hurt when they don't; comparing myself to others, etc.

    Seeing a therapist has really helped me realize why I behave the way I do. It has also functioned as a way to discuss the situations I have in front of me every week, so that I really think about the decisions I make on a daily basis. It is really beneficial. I say go for it! (*hug*)
     
  6. Lexington

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    I'd say it was time for a gargoyle tail thump, but Chip more or less took care of that. I'll just add my two cents.

    >>>My parents keep giving me the "girlfriend" speech this week, for some odd reason and asked if I approved of my tour partner being gay.

    So you told your parents that your touring partner was gay, but haven't gotten around to telling them that YOU're gay. I'd say this is probably the first place to start.

    >>>I have been home for a week but only saw her once before she left to be with him for three days and three nights in his hometown, leaving me to babysit her cats.

    When you date somebody, that person becomes primary focus. Sometimes nearly exclusively. It's not an intentional snub - it just happens. I have a feeling once you get into a relationship, you'll notice it happening, as well. :slight_smile:

    >>>I've been talking to someone lately via email and txt, but we haven't met, I'm kind of scared.

    So meet already. You seem to have some spare time on your hands. :slight_smile:

    >>>I constantly feel robbed that I am still a virgin at 26 and did not participate in the exploring and experimenting most do at a very early age.

    I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25, and I don't feel that was time wasted. I spent the years working on myself. Not physically (although I probably should've done some more in that realm) but mentally, emotionally, socially. I worked on liking myself more, and enjoying my life more. I read a lot, and found some hobbies I liked, and worked on trying to make myself more social. I made some friends, drifted away from some friends, and eventually started dating.

    Your past is your past. It's in the history books, and you can't go back and make changes. It's the present and future that you have the ability to effect change on. That's where you should be focusing your attention. If you want to get laid, focus on getting laid. If you're finding it hard to get laid, you might want to take a good hard look at what might be preventing that. Hint - fat people get laid, ugly people get laid, quiet people get laid. (See below.)

    >>>I think I'm crushing on someone that I shouldn't be crushing on, someone who has been so mean to me, but yet I'm crushing on him.

    You may be "convenience crushing". If you're somewhat of a loner, and especially if you don't have many prospects on the dating/sexual front, it's not at all uncommon to start crushing on somebody who, to an objective eye, doesn't make any sense at all. This includes straight guys, guys you don't know well at all, and guys who don't like you much at all. The thought process seems to be "Well, easier him than anybody else". Once you find somebody more suitable, these crushes seem to evaporate pretty quickly.

    >>>My text messages are constantly being ignored or dismissed by friends.

    And I think this bit hints at something overreaching. So let me run with this a bit.

    Friendships are symbiotic. We help each other, have fun with each other, and basically become better people through our interactions. Yeah, we can have some rough times, and sometimes one or the other parties might have to do some of the heavy lifting. But mainly, it's a two-way street. You hang out and do things with your friends because it's fun, and you enjoy doing it.

    I don't know you from Adam. All I know about you is gleaned from your posts. And of course, since many of these posts are here in the S&A section, that picture is going to be somewhat skewed. But even when I take that into consideration, if I ask myself "If D2BP sent a text and wanted to hang out, would you respond?", I'm not sure I'd say yes. And not because you have these issues - heck, just last night, I hung out with a friend specifically BECAUSE she had some issues she wanted to get off her chest. :slight_smile: But when I listen to her unload, and offer support and maybe some suggestions, she listens. She may or may not take my advice, but she seems appreciative. And after a certain amount of time, she said "OK, enough about my horrible life - how are YOU doing?" And we laughed a bit, then discussed my life, and music, and mutual friends and whatnot. I just don't get the feeling that a night with you would be like that. I envision it more likely being somewhat of a pity party. I'd listen awhile, maybe commiserate and offer some advice here or there, but I picture you sort of waving all that aside and continuing on about how tough things are, and perhaps that I "don't understand". Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's the vibe I get.

    Given that, would YOU want to hang out with you?

    I'm not saying that you need to become somebody you're not. You don't have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is super, or pretend to be super-interested in what your friends are up to. But I think you can take a cue from my friend above. When she had some issues that she wanted to unload, I made an effort to be there. And not strictly out of some sense of duty, but because she's proven herself enough a friend that I WANT to. Even when the night was basically a bitch session, I still had a good time. It IS possible. :slight_smile:

    I think the answer is in there somewhere. I do think therapy might be a good idea, since it's unlikely that these are simply "snap out of it" sorts of mindsets. You need to start liking yourself enough that other people start liking you more. When you're at that point, text messages tend to be returned a lot more often. :slight_smile:

    Lex