Has Mum already guessed + Is it possible to predict how parents will react?

With regards to number 1, it's too hard to say. Unless she has asked you straight out "are you gay", it's practically impossible to to tell if she has guessed. From my own personal experience, the first of the "old acquaintances" in my out status has told me a number of times that she had figured out I was gay back when we were in Year 11 at high school. I had absolutely no idea that she suspected anything because she never asked (even though I probably would have denied it if she did ask back then anyway).

With number 2, you hit the nail on the head in your first sentence. There is no way of accurately predicting anyone's reaction. Some people have found that the ones they thought would react badly reacted the most positive, while the ones they thought would react well reacted badly.
My advice is to be prepared for both a positive and negative reaction. It may even pay you to have another person with you, such as your sister if you come out to her first, so you have someone there for moral support and to back you up in the event of things going bad.

I'm not normally an advice giver, but hopefully something I have said makes sense and helps you.

 

Well that is possible. I know it was the case with my parents. Although for some reason, my parents always blamed themselves wondering "where they went wrong" as if I was a murderer or something... And yes they even once associated being gay with all the wrong in society such as arson, murder, rape and other things. :dry: But that was because they were uneducated and only knew 'of' gay people, not the actual people and issues they dealt with.

So the issue here is education. If you can, rent books from the library, find PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) resources online or in your city, or buy books that'll help. There are a lot in bookstores and online generally. But print some resources off for when you do come out to them. I bought a book of commonly asked questions asked by parents and friends answered by a gay man and highlighted certain parts and left it on the counter for my parents to read when I came out last year.

One that I used, "Hey mom, at least you won't have to worry about me screwing up my education and future by coming home prematurely with a bun in the oven."
..of course this didn't really make her laugh. It gave my dad a chuckle though.

 

Just because you aint ever had a girlfriend doesnt mean your mum would think you were gay from that alone. from what you say tho i wouldnt be surprised if she maybe has an inkling that your gay. i sure know alot of people think that about me just from how i react and the way i do things. one of my friends usually gets asked about my sexuality form other people ( i think they are too shy to come ask me themsleves) and he just says im a really happy guy and does it matter what i am. hes good that way. he doesnt know im gay but i know he thinks its possible.

 

1) From my experience, telling whether someone has an idea is almost impossible to do. Unless they come straight out and ask you, of course.

Once I started thinking about coming out to my mom, I went over all the signs, possible hints, conversations etc. that could indicate she knew. Also, I thought that never having had any girlfriend in 25 years of life on this Earth would be a good indication. In the end, I was utterly convinced she knew, and was just waiting for me to come out and say it.

In the end, it turned out she had no idea, and any signs I saw were just in my own head.
I think that actively looking for leads to coming out just put me in a mindset where I focused on the times "being gay" came up as a conversation topic, while in reality, it's probably a topic that comes up regardless of any suspicions on whether someone is gay.

Coming out to a sibling (or another close friend) first, sounds like a good approach though. I came out to my brother before I came out to my mom, because I knew for sure he would be fine with it, and he would be a nice support to fall back on. Even if your mother never talked about it with with your sister, she might offer additional insights anyway.

2) As for how your mom will react: again, there's no saying. To get back to my personal example: I know she is quite supportive of gay marriage, and doesn't seem to mind gay people at all. However, while she was supportive at the time I was coming out, it has become a bit of an elephant in the room that we don't speak to each other about.
Not exactly what I hoped for, but on the other hand, it's a start! She knows, I know she knows, and she can take all the time she needs in dealing with it.

Now, will your mother be disappointed? Maybe a bit. Like all mothers she probably already decided what course of life would make you happy and succesful. And if it turns out you're gay, she might have to change her outlook.
But as you said yourself, you can put a positive spin to it. you can stress how you always were gay, and how you're telling this because you really want to be open and honest to her. And how you will be happier when being open than by living a lie.

What helped for me was to write it down in a coming-out letter. I never used the actual letter, but it helped having wrtten out responses to all possible questions. Especially if you want to put some sin, writing it down and rereading it a day later can be a lot of help!

And I'm pretty sure that even with a minor "defect", she'll still love you! Love comes not from loving people with no defects. It doesn't even come from loving people despite their defects. I like to think it's about loving people because of how their quirks make them real humans.

In any case, I hope this helped a bit. I do tyhink that your plan sounds sound, so I'm sure you'll be able to deal with this!

 

Hey Adam!

To your first point, yes, I think your mom suspects. It could be in part for the reasons you have outlined and the many clues she's been dropping, but many parents also seem to have a "sixth sense" when it comes to their children. They can be very perceptive, although sometimes they delude themselves or go into denial... but that doesn't mean they don't suspect something.

And to your second point, no matter what you or others here on EC might speculate, you can never predict for sure how mom will react. I think the good news is that overwhelmingly parents react well. I posted a poll earlier on EC and the overwhelming majority of "coming out to parents" experiences went well, although having said that there've been more than a few bad experiences shared on EC as well. And then my own parents surprised the daylights out of me with their positive reaction, which I most certainly did not expect. My best advice is to not try and hyperanalyze things too much, or it will start providing you with reasons, most based on unfounded "what if's", for putting this off.

I like the plan you've outlined;

This sounds like a good strategy to work your way up to coming out to your mom. Your sister can provide you with valuable feedback and maybe some insights, and if all goes well she can be your support network for when you finally do decide to come out to your mom.

You know, when I was building up the nerve to finally come out to my parents, I got past many of the false fears I was having about possible negative reactions which really had no foundation. But I was left with one prominent fear that I couldn't overcome so easily - my fear that they would be disappointed in me, that this would be a letdown for them. I've always had issues with never being good enough for my parents, and that made it so much harder to tell them that I was gay and I would not be living out their dreams they had for me and I would likely not be carrying on the family tree...

Their reaction was still surprising to me, but I think the most important thing was how I got past this hangup before I told them. I had to find enough strength in me to not care about whether or not they were disappointed in me. I had to take responsibility for my own life and that meant accepting who I am and standing behind my decisions. For once in my life I had to look past the need for parental acceptance and find that strength within myself. And I did!

I'm not suggesting this is the case for you, but I think many if not most of us feel some obligation to please our parents and to not be a disappointment to them. While we are growing up our parents are the most important people in our lives and healthy children need parental encouragement and praise. But we also have to outgrow this to gain our independence, and instead look to ourselves for praise and encouragement.

And finally it really sounds like your mother loves you - I hear nothing that would indicate otherwise. No matter what she thinks or how much you pre-analyze her possible reactions, when the moment comes when you reveal the news to her, all she will see is her son, Adam, the same Adam she's known and loved since you were born. And that's going to make it very difficult for her to have a strongly negative reaction. She may need time to come around and digest what you tell her, but never underestimate the power of a mother's love for her child.

 

Hey Everybody, Its been awhile since I've posted here but after reading Adam's post I felt that we were kinda in the same situation. I haven't come out to my mom but I definitely suspect that she may know and am contemplating it. Basically its the same things ( never really interested in girls, vocal about lgbt rights, moms kinda on the fence about gays) BUT the thing which really makes em suspicious is something that happened while I was home for Christmas. I had noticed that my mom had begun to develop a kind of fascination for gay people and had caught her watching gay themed programming on a few occasions. Well one night I was reading the paper when she came in the room and began to tell me about a girl whose family was very religious and were going to disown her/remove monetary support if she didn't stop for fighting for equality and come back home. She says that she could never disowning any of her children for any reason and that yeah it would be difficult but that family sticks together and we would work though anything ( or something along those lines). All of this out of nowhere.......I still not out to her though. I am out to my 17 year old sister who is completely cool with it but has said that basically she does not know whether or not mom is in the loop. So thats where I am 4 months later lol.