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Homophobic roommate... is gay?!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by starbucksshoote, Apr 5, 2010.

  1. starbucksshoote

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    A happy Easter to everyone on the list!

    So, I've encountered a bit of a strange situation and would appreciate some advice, or at least other people's thoughts on this issue.

    About 18 months ago, I came to the realization that I was gay (long suspected, but I fell in love with a guy, and that sealed the deal - too bad he was straight!), and moved to a new city to start a new job and a new life. So, in the mean time, I've more or less come out to everybody (except family - not ready to have that conversation, it's not so much that I don't think they'll be supportive, but rather we never talk about personal things, and I'm going to wait until there's something really worth sharing - like a boyfried).

    Anyways, for the first nine months I lived with a guy who was straight, and who I was very much in love with - clearly that needed to end, and he moved to another city to start a PhD, and even though I was very sad, it was clearly better for me not to have him living with me. At the end of the summer, a new roommate moved in with me - I didn't know him very well (he's a friend of a friend - we'd hung out a few times, but we weren't close) - however, I needed someone to pay half the rent, and I wanted someone else around to share the space. So, over the past seven months or so, I more or less decided that I was going to ask him to move out for the end of summer (giving him a few months to find a new place). You see, he's a home-schooled, socially-conservative, evangelical baptist. He believes (and has stated to me) that homosexuality is a choice, is sinful, and has made it clear where he stands on the issue. This doesn't particularly bother me - I consider him pretty ignorant on the issue, and he's much younger than me (he's about 22, and I'm 30), so I thought it would be something he'd learn. I'd decided to ask him to move out because he isn't that much fun to live with, and I am looking for someone who wants to be social, hang with friends, etc...

    So, having made this decision, I was surprised to discover that he is, in all likelihood, gay. We have a common television with media centre PC hooked up to it. I use it to download and watch television, and he uses it to do the same, and surf the net (I have a laptop which I use for internet). One day, more out of idle curriosity than anything, I looked at the internet browsing history. Nothing unusual on internet explorer. I then checked Google Chrome which I never use, but my roommate uses almost exclusively - and Oh. My. Word.

    Dozens upon dozens of gay porn sites - hundreds of photos downloaded, videos downloaded.

    I've read other posts where people are trying to interpret whether or not someone is gay - the biggest clues I use are when a guy has never had a girlfriend or shown even the remotest interest in women, and when he looks at gay internet porn over the course of months.

    This has left me with this somewhat confusing situation - he's obviously closeted (in fact, he may not even admit to himself that he's gay - his upbrining and religious beliefs would make this very difficult - he would be CHOOSING to be gay if he is to be consistent in his beliefs), and will likely have a very difficult time with the transition. I'm of two minds on this situation:

    1. This is none of my business - leave well-enough alone and let him get on with his business.

    2. Try, in some fashion, perhaps with great subtlety, to help him with this issue.

    He knows I'm gay (a friend told him, and it's no longer a great secret), but it's never been discussed (don't ask, don't tell). But I'm not like a lot of other gay people he's come into contact with - I'm conservative, religious, and generally do not embody many of the stereotypes (except Lady Gaga, which my roommate likes as well - go fig!)

    While I'd be perfectly okay with option 1, I'm worried that he's going to do something foolish - like go and get married and have children, because he'll be too afraid and overwhelmed with being gay. So, I guess the third option would be to not raise it, but not to ask him to leave either, and then start living my gay life more openly around him.

    Anyways, I apologize for being long-winded on this - I would be interested to hear what other people have to say.
     
  2. Alex19

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    im hoping that he didnt get all those pics and vids for some weird gay bashing christian thing. o well, he very well could b gay tho. the more homophobic, the more likely they are
     
  3. Beachboi92

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    I'm no expert and don't take my word for it but this is my 2 cents.

    Normally i'd say let the guy be if he wasn't in the position where his family/religion is telling him he is evil etc etc. That could make it impossible for him to do it, in his own mind, and helping him might be a very noble and good thing to do.

    All you need to do is go "hey i was browsing through history looking for something i had visited X days ago and i ran into some stuff. Is there anything you wanna talk about?" If he says no then just go "ok, well if you ever want to just say something, whatever you tell me stays in complete confidence between you and me," I mean i don't like the idea of outing people at all but i also don't like the idea of gay people repressing who they are and ultimately end up driving themselves crazy and doing the whole married with children dance.... By doing a little careful, light confrontation you are ultimately only helping him.

    Also i'd do something like favorite some religious LGBT organizations or leave one up or something along those lines so he gets to reading it (although check it first to make sure its good), also learn about that side of things as well so you can talk him out of this religious stupor that makes him think that what he is is evil.

    HOWEVER, be prepared he may very likely shoot the messenger as all people usually do, or put up a big front say fuck you and walk off, or move out. If you are ready to deal with those possibilities as well then go for it. You have to think about how hard it is to be in his place right now and think if you want to help him, if you'd want or appreciate that help if you where him etc etc.

    Also if you do approach him be gentle, back off if he tries to blow you off or gets to hyped up and leave it be. Even if his initial reaction is anger or something he may eventually calm down and talk to you. Personally i would def do something, starting with learning about how to talk to him, leaving some stuff up for him "on accident" saying it was for a friend or something, and then a light approach/confrontation about it. If he hides he is not ready but if he does let you in it could be very beneficial to him.

    Tread with caution, and be very very patient, understanding, caring, and generally selfless about it if you are going to do it.
     
  4. Prccgeek

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    I think Beachboi92 had some wonderful advice. The only thing I would add is that if you feel completely uncomfortable with bringing it up with him, maybe just go with being more open about your sexuality around it. He might pretend to hate you or something, but at least he would see that even if you are gay, you can live a normal healthy life. Maybe watch some tv with gay characters while he is around or mention something about a guy you dated once or even mention something about gay rights in the news. Just making the topic more common could give him the confidence to talk to you.

    However, I honestly think the best thing to do would be to talk to him like Beachboi said. Try not to sound like you are accusing him off anything, just be really casual about it and say if he ever needs to talk you are always willing.
     
  5. Beachboi92

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    ^Zoe Daschenaul (or however you spell it) avatar= <3333333 and what prccgeek said i would agree is a good route if talking is a very uncomfortable idea. I realize most people are not as straight forward/direct as i am xD
     
  6. Markio

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    Dude, just watch Prayers for Bobby when he's around. :wink:
     
  7. Chip

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    Markio gives some great advice. Beachboi also makes some good points, but I suspect that your friend is not yet in a place to be able to admit, even to himself, what's going on for him. It is likely that he is still wrestling with this "curse God has put upon him" and may believe that he can be cured, or may be in denial that he's actually gay.

    On the other hand, if you aren't concerned about what happens with the friendship, then perhaps confronting him (in the low-key way that beachboi suggested) could be a wise idea. The problem he's going to have is, having been homeschooled, he has even less social support other than his family, and so it's going to be a MUCH bigger deal for him to try to come out, so it may be that he simply doesn't feel like it's an option, and even to come out to a very "safe" person, such as yourself, could be too frightening for him. But if you open the door a tiny crack, then it's his choice where he goes from there.
     
  8. Sylver

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    Hmmm... I hear alarm bells going off in my head. I think you have your heart in the right place, but what you're hoping for might be out of reach.

    I'm thinking back to when I was safely locked away in the closet. What would I have done if my gay roommate started asking me direct questions? I would have panicked, probably spouted some further homophobic remarks, and then retreated even further back into the closet. BTW this happened to me a number of times, and every time it made me even more afraid of being gay and more defensive. Confrontation can be a frightening experience for someone who's not ready to deal with it.

    Sometimes I find I have to accept that I can't really help someone who isn't ready to be helped. In fact my good intentions may actually make things worse. Yes, I can see that they're headed for disaster, but it's not always possible to stop that. I'm thinking the best you can do is set a good example for him and be more open and out about your sexuality. But that's no guarantee it will break him out of his shell. Or maybe leave your browser open on EC's forum page. If he bites, he can explore the LGBT world and his own sexuality in safety and security.
     
  9. s5m1

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    As some others have recommended above, I would tread very carefully here. He is likely struggling with his sexuality and may be horrified to learn that you looked at his browsing history. In fact, he may feel that your looking at his browsing history was an invasion of his privacy and lash out at you. Right now, the internet may be the only place he thinks he can deal with what he is feeling, in private.

    He already knows you are gay and has chosen not to talk with you about it. If you want to help him, maybe you should bring up the subject by talking about yourself, not him. Many times, people will open up to you after you open up to them. I would not ask him if he is gay or imply that you think he is. Rather, maybe one day when the time seems right, gradually steer the conversation to your sexuality. Start talking to him about the fact that you are gay and how hard it was for you to accept it and finally come out, particularly as a conservative and religious person. Talk about yourself, not him. He may then feel comfortable confiding in you or asking you questions.
     
  10. Kenko

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    This is the best advice I've seen. Seriously, read through threads here. Questioning or closeted people panic if people, even gay, confront them on their sexuality, and they dive further into the closet.

    The best advice is to try and open up about yourself. But without setting it up like "*Story about my coming out history* Now remember, you can tell me anything *wink*"
     
  11. gaz83

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    i would leave well alone just now. admitting that you saw his history on the computer wont look good as you will be seen as a snoop. i do believe you are thinking about him but like others have said here, the guy clearly isnt ready for someone else to be bringing issues he has into the open. i know i wouldnt like a flatmate doing that. especially if you aint really that friendly. id let him just deal with things as they are now and at least you wont be too shocked if he does at some point approach you.
     
  12. fulofbul

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    Is it possible that one of your roommate's friends came over and used that computer to surf the net without his knowledge? or maybe its one of your friends? Just a thought that maybe you should be 100% certain that he is the one accessing the porn. if he is, then i agree with the comments above that he might need his time to figure things out
     
  13. rachob1

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    the other possible way of bringing the subject up could be the say that you were trying to free up some space on the computers harddrive, and come across the download history, and wanted to ask before you deleted anything, and concidering the content topic of what you noticed, if you ever want to talk about anything, you know where to find me, and leave the ball in his court, but at least he knows your there when he's ready.
     
  14. zzzero

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    I think leaving it alone is not an option really... If he's in this mindset where he thinks he's evil or something, I strongly feel that you should try to help. The hard part is how you go about it. I think asking him anything directly might cause problems and push him further into the closet. I'd say dont act like you care what he found. Treat it as if you found straight porn on the computer or something.
     
  15. adam88

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    I'm in the "Don't bring it up" camp. He very well might react badly. Thinking back to when I was closeted, what would have helped me most was to have been around a positive, openly gay role model. So, be that role model until he comes out himself.
     
  16. mattypants

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    +1 to not bringing it up...

    unless he comes seeking help or something, i dont see much to bringing it up other than the snooping around/privacy aspect, which is a bad
     
  17. starbucksshoote

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    So, a small update on this situation.

    I am sure it was him visiting the sites - he doesn't have a large circle of friends, and has yet to have anyone over the apartment in the seven months that we've been roommates.

    Over the past week or so, I've noticed a few small changes - he spends a large amount of his time reading the bible and visiting bible web sites. He's also started talking a lot more about how it's less important what happens to us in this life, it's more important we live our lives in such a way so that we get into heaven.

    I'm taking this to mean that his plan to deal with being gay (should it be the case) is to live out the remainder of his days in lifelong abstinence, suppressing his sexuality so as not to commit sins which would preclude his entering the kingdom of heaven. Given that he is 23, this will be a rather long time to wait.

    I'm thinking my approach will be not to raise the issue with him, as he seems in no immediate danger of doing something rash (like committing suicide or getting married), but possibly to live my life a little more openly around him. I'll have more of my gay friends over to the apartment, and hope he sees that there are a lot of gay people who lead completely normal (and in fact, quite ordinary) lives - even some who are quite religious and conservative.

    Although I can't personally see it, one of his few close friends has told me that my roommate has actually become a lot more flexible and open-minded over the past year - that he's seen a real difference since he's moved in with me, so perhaps things are improving even if they aren't completely obvious (at least to me).
     
  18. dude99

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    Well inviting more of your gay friends over to the apartment and seeing there are gays that lead normal lives as well as being conservative and religous is a very good idea. Keep us updated on what happens.
     
  19. Chip

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    It typically takes a very long time for people who have been raised in highly religious households to reconstruct their schema of the world. It sounds like he's taking micro steps in the direction; the "it's less important what happens to us in this life" thing could be a form of bargaining in the stages of loss; "OK, I'm gay, but I'll just never act on it and then I'll be OK", which to me indicates he might be starting to at least acknowledge his homosexuality and then, as others have said, if you have gay peeps around and he sees they're not all heathen sodomites, his opinion will probably shift change further.