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Does it have to end like this?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mogget, Apr 5, 2010.

  1. Mogget

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    So, yet another post about my ex-boyfriend. Sorry.

    Anyway, to cut a long story short, we dated briefly but intensely, then he dumped me out of nowhere. I spiraled into depression and self-loathing, he moved on. About a month ago, I approached him and asked if he might be willing to talk about what happened, maybe clear things up so that we could be, if not friends, at least friendly. I did this on the express advice of one of our mutual friends who said he'd told her several times he wished he could talk to me.

    In any case, he agreed and kept promising to talk, and then not following through. Was always too busy. For legitimate reasons, yes, but at some point, you can have too many legitimate reasons. Furthermore, I told him several times that I'd really appreciate it if he'd at least tell me when he might be less busy, instead of just saying, "I wanna talk, but I'm too busy right now." This has generally been via e-mail, with a few face-to-face conversations. I've also told him that I totally understand if he doesn't want to talk, but that I'd like to know in that case; he's always responded that he does want to talk, but doesn't say when.

    At this point, it's getting almost impossible for me not to view this behavior as deliberate manipulation, and I'm starting to hate him. And I don't want that, I don't want to hate someone who was a good friend to me for over a year, who's friends with between a quarter and a half of all my friends, who I will be taking classes with for another year at least. And yet...his behavior, even if not manipulating, has been totally disrespectful and inconsiderate. I'd call him out on it, but I suspect he'd just give another evasive answer and I'm fed up with that.

    And I'm in full-blown denial. My counselor thinks, and I agree, that he has no intention of talking, but every fiber of my being resists that conclusion, I don't want it to be true so badly, because it makes me feel like the whole thing was him manipulating and using me, not just in this past month, but all of it. Our relationship, even our friendship (there's more to this worry than just his not being willing to talk, of course, the reason I finally approached him about talking was because I'd come to that conclusion and wanted to avoid it).

    So, what do I do? Do I confront him? Do I try to learn to accept this and to also let go of my hatred? Do I just stay angry?
     
  2. paint

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    I don't think staying angry would be good. :/
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think it is time that you start moving on. I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by thinking that he 'might' still talk with you. You are wearing yourself emotionally down and will prolong the start of the moving on process. I know this can be really hard because you have invested time and energy into this relationship. You have tried to make it work. Yeah, it is hard but try your best to move on. To help you in this, the next time you see your counselor, "please help me to start moving on from this. How can I do this?" Try to let go.

    If he has no intentions of talking, don't let it bother you. Try to tell yourself: "he has no intentions to talking to me, why should I want to talk to him?" If you have the feeling that he has manipulated you, why would you even want to talk to him or confront him? Honestly, I wouldn't. Any confrontation or conversation that you might have with him, is perhaps going to be another manipulation tactic.

    You might have a lot of hatred towards him at the moment, but also try to view it from a different view point. Are you losing anything, especially if you have the feeling that he manipulated and used you? No, you are not. In fact you are gaining something. You are gaining the ability to look for someone else, someone who won't manipulate and use you. In addition, you have also (perhaps) learned something about yourself through this experience, which will make you stronger. You have probably learned something about yourself that you can take into a new relationship down the road.

    As you begin to move on, you will learn to let go and also to 'forgive.' You will learn to accept it.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. RedState

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    Hey there...I know exactly what you are going through..b/c i'm kinda dealing with the same thing. our situations are so similar it's strange. With me, with my guy telling me that he did nothing but think about me all the time, overnight things changed. The attempts to communicate were met with "I am just so swamped right now".
    All I can tell u is all is not quiet on the Western Front and something is afoot. There is a big difference between being real busy and completely shutting someone out. Sounds like he is just shutting you out and you are being played. I've got a high pressure job that keeps me going from 7am to late at night...but you know what? I still find time to communicate with people I want to and care about.
    That is the hardest part to admit...and I'm trying to come to terms with that now.
    As hard as it is...and I know it is tearing your gut out...I think your best bet is to let him go.
    Moving on is easier said than done...you have to do this on your own time...just like I am.
    Wish I had a better bit of advice for you.
     
  5. Mogget

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    I know I need to move on, and I have been trying. The main thing I'm gonna lose this way is a friend, and the ability to feel comfortable around our (many) mutual friends, a number of whom are close to both of us. My school is tiny, as is the gay community here, and I'm also worried that if I actively don't like him, I'll get rejected by the gay community, especially as he's way better-known in the gay community (and really charismatic).

    @bamaboy: that's actually really helpful. You're right, even if he is really busy (and he is, and I know exactly why), if this mattered, he'd've found the time.

    I'll talk to my counselor about moving on. It's just hard, and this isn't the story I want to tell with my life. It's one thing to lose a romance, another to lose a friendship, and even harder to have to wonder if either ever existed.
     
  6. RedState

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    hey, I know it hurts. Just today I am finally admitting that no one can be that busy. It just sucks...there is not a band-aid big enough to put on it. But I'm coming to realize that as fragile as the human heart is, it does repair itself. Not by design...but by practice.
    I know what your dealing with man, going through the same thing. Hang in there...I know you hate it when people say that...but sometimes that's all we can do.
     
  7. Mirko

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    Hi there! It's great that you have been trying. That's good! I think it is going to take a bit of time to feel comfortable around your mutual friends but you will gain that comfortable feeling again. If a relationship doesn't work out that doesn't mean that you can't continue your close friendships. I think everyone might need to adjust a bit but if you tell them, 'I think this is for the best for the both of us', your friends will understand.

    I'm sure you won't get rejected by the gay community. His personality or him being charismatic has nothing to do with your acceptance within the gay community. If you don't like someone in the gay community that's okay. We are all different, with our own personalities, likes, dislikes and ideas about life. If something doesn't work out, or if your relationship with someone doesn't work out, so what? Will people look at you differently? No, not really? Why would they? Okay, he has a lot of charisma. But you have your own great qualities that make you, you and which allows others to form a close relationship with you. These same qualities will allow you continue to have the friendships that you have and also to get to know someone else, with whom it might work out.

    You have tried to make it work. It didn't workout, but it is okay. The fact that you have tried and were willing to make it work and have put some effort and energy into it, is already something to be proud off. (*hug*)
     
  8. Jim1454

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    There's a difference between moving on and 'actively disliking' someone.

    You need to accept that the relationship is over, that the two of you weren't an ideal match, that he's not as conscientious as you'd like him to be, and that regardless - you'll be OK. THAT is moving on. There's no need to dislike him for any of that to happen. Just acceptance that he wasn't the guy for you, and that the guy for you is still out there.

    And the fact is, you're more likely to meet that 'guy for you' if you're in a positive frame of mind and self confident about your future.
     
  9. Filip

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    While he does seem to be actively avoiding conversation, it's impossible to know why this is. Is he playing you? Maybe. On the other hand, maybe he feels the relationship was a mistake, feels a bit ashamed at how it ended, and is afraid of what could happen in a confrontation (and yes, even charismatic and well-spoken people can have insecurities like that).

    Point is: you'll never know by fixating on it. So just don't press the issue further and be agnostic as to what his reasons are. Don't see this as something horrible inflicted on you. It's just an experience that didn't turn out as positive as it could have been, but that you can learn from. And who knows, maybe when he stops feeling pressured to talk, he might come to you after all.

    As Jim said above, being over someone doesn't mean disliking them. And it definitely doesn't mean talking bad of them in the local gay community. It just means that he's no longer a boyfriend, and that you just happen to be two guys that share some friends in common. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Maybe you're not there yet. And it might take a bit of time actively pushing away thoughts of him or even trying to avoid him whenever possible, but in the end, you will wake up someday and find out that he moved back to just being "a guy you know".

    Yes, I know: it isn't easy to decide to "just let go". In the beginning it takes time. the first guy I crushed on turned into an unhealthy obsession that way. It takes conscious effort to recognise angry or sad or otherwise unwanted thoughts from popping up. Once you do notice, it takes effort to do something else entirely (I usually tried to watch TV, play a videogame, or even watch porn to move my thoughts elsewhere entirely). Over time, it becomes second nature. And then one day, you discover you don't think of them much at all anymore.