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Asking for help yet again *sigh*

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sesshomaru, Apr 6, 2010.

  1. Sesshomaru

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    There's something I can't make up my mind on and I wanted to get some opinions on it.
    Recently I moved back in with my mom after being gone for a year. We don't get along and after a big fall out during the summer in which she stole my phone, read some messages and found out about my sexuality then told everyone in the family and refused to return it, I had made up my mind that after all that she put me through when I was younger and now this, I had been through enough and would never in life deal with her again. I spent three months not talking to her and went on with my life better than it had ever been before. September comes for me to get registered for school and when I still refused to speak to her she broke down crying to my grandma (my grandma has basically been like a mom to me and I've always beencloser to her) because in her twisted mind she couldn't figure out why I still wouldn't speak to her and she missed me. My grandma told her she'd see what she could do which ended in her begging me to give my mom one last chance in my life, and I did.
    Now for what happened yesterday. We'd been planning on moving for a while since my mom is pregnant and recently there's been a massive outbreak of ants where we were living and she didn't want the baby around them. I haven't had hardly anything since I've been there so when it came time to move I had only four small bags of clothes to move (the bags were about twice the size of an average grocery store bag) which also contained a PS2 my grandma bought me just before I moved in with my mom to keep me from being bored. I had been telling her the whole day that I would put my bags on the U-Haul close to the very end since if any of the heavy stuff fell on my PS2 it'd break and she knew as well as I did that she wouldn't buy me another one. She agreed to this all day although she did constantly remind me about it.
    She called my aunt and my aunt's bf to help with moving even despite my protests of my history with them and me having a bad feeling the second she mentioned them that an argument might start. Everything goes fine for a bit until my mom sees my bags by the door and somehow forgets everything we'd agreed to earlier and she throws a fit. I tried avoiding the big argument I felt coming until she kept screaming and I finally had enough and asked her not to scream at me, which she responded to by screaming louder, and I finally yelled back. She told me to get the **** out her house so I grabbed my phone to leave and asked her was she absolutely sure she wanted to do this and she didn't respond but just opened the door.
    Night comes and my grandma comes to take me home after a big cursing argument between me and my aunt and I asked her one last time before she handed my grandma my last bag of clothes was she sure about doing this because if I had to leave this time I wasn't coming back and she was dead in my eyes. She wouldn't respond but her eyes were watery enough to see even in the darkness.
    Well my final question is this. My grandma once again is begging me to give her another chance even knowing that this past time was supposed to be the last and is trying to bribe me with a new laptop knowing what my mom chose to do after I gave her a last moment to think it over. My mind is at the point now where I really don't want to give in this time, I want my mom to finally come to her sense and put aside her pride for once and admit she was wrong yesterday. Another downside to giving into her this timeis that it hasn't been a full year since the incident during the summer happened. I have another 1 year and 1 month before I'm an adult and she can't do this anymore. With her being pregnant and about to have this baby, if it does happen again and I have to leave I'm going to feel like crap for walking out on my 11 year old bro and newborn sister and will kill myself without thinking twice about it so I won't have to live the rest of my life hating myself for leaving them. Should I stick it out this time until she realizes her wrongs or should I accept the bribe and just hope she can go a year and a month without trying this again?
    Thanks in advance for any comments and or answers to this.
    P.S. Sorry for the wall of text (again).
     
  2. Connor22

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    I know it isn't what you want to hear, but personally I think you should give her another chance. If that doesn't work give her another one, and again and again until she sees that you are her son and you love her and your family, and don't say you don't, everyone loves their mother, Anger just breeds more anger, so take some of the anger out of the loop and stay calm, it may seem as though I'm taking her side, I'm not, you need to take the moral high ground and be the grown up. Hope this helps, and if someone comes up with a better solution, listen to them, stay strong buddy :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sylver

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    This all seems very convoluted, and it sounds to me like there's a whole lot more behind all of this than just your sexuality. I see one of three things happening; (1) you are a difficult son and she's at the end of her rope with you, (2) she has a mental illness or addiction problem and isn't able to cope well with things, or (3) there are other things in her life that are screwed up and she's taking it out on you. But I just can't see all of this erratic behavior being on account of your sexuality.

    What do you suspect is behind her actions?
     
  4. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    I'd say give her another chance.. for your granmother.
     
  5. gaz83

    gaz83 Guest

    okay well im gonna have to say something different here. You have clearly got issues in your family, from what you say is actually your mums problems. I realise that you feel bad for your family, but i dont think that going back everytime you get kicked out is gonna do you any good. you said you gave her a chance when she kicked you out the first time. that failed. Your grandmother seems a nice person by sticking by you. why cant you just stay with her longer term till you decide to get your own place?

    also you could kinda try build bridges with your mum. maybe some space between the two of you could help there. if it was me i would personaly not wanna move back to my mothers house if that had happened to me. infact i know if i hadnt moved to where i am now i would have likly moved into my grandparents house for a while aswell. i know i would be welcome there.

    think overall what im trying to get at is that it might be your mum but you cant let her keep getting you down. at some point you really are gonna have to say enough is enough. i mean if your concerned about when she has the baby and coping, are you not gonna be close enough to visit and offer to help out now and again.
     
  6. Sesshomaru

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    You've said this exact same list in one of my other threads, either that or my mind is being completely crazy with deja-vu again.
    It has to do with just slightly more than my sexuality. My whole family, except my father's side due to a gay cousin, is very homophobic and follow the traditional Christian way of all non-heterosexual people go to hell no questions asked. So finding out I'm the first bi/gay child in the family shocked and disgusted them all. My mom as of now has three kid, including me but excluding the unborn baby, and out of us three everyone from our family has always said I'm the most responsible and dependable child. The only part my mom hates about that is although any time she ever has needed anything even before my brothers and I hit our teenage years she's always been able to call me first, I'm also the only one out of us three boys that will stand up to her and not let her walk all over me. Due to this we get along the best out of her and my two bros but when we do finally argue it always ends badly. She's used to walking over people and I'm used to not letting anyone walk all over me.
    The recent few times there's been any sort of conflict between us has always ended up being drawn back to this past summer with her finding out about my sexuality since although she did have some pretty good proof of it due to my phone, I'd been having problems with that phone for about 3 months before that happened since it'd crash and then delete all messages, emails, etc from it and knew exactly how to make it crash again before she could show anyone besides my cousins and godmother who were there during the whole thing and disconnected the service so the contacts were erased as well.
    Even just now as I'm typing this my grandma made a comment about a former co-worker she just spoke with and says it's nasty and wrong that she's lesbian.
    If I give my mom another chance what's there to prevent her from doing this again later on and I end up having to deal with this for the rest of my life? Well unless she does it again before I'm 18 anyways.
    I can't go stay with my grandmother since she doesn't have her own place and won't be getting one until I'm done with high school since the only reason she hasn't moved to a different part of Cali yet is because she wants to wait until I'm out of high school and in my own place because she knows how my mom is and she knows I have a temper of my own and when I finally get to the point to where I've had enough she's probably the only person on this earth that can calm me down. If she were to leave now and I'm forced to stay with my mom, I'm not saying it would get to physical violence, but I'm not saying it wouldn't either.
     
    #6 Sesshomaru, Apr 6, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
  7. Sylver

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    Well this is definitely complicated... The reason I wanted to ask those questions is that there's a balancing act required here. The ultimate priority is to do what's right for you, not for her or for anyone else. First of all you have to look out for yourself. Secondly you're at a very critical age when you could screw things up big time down the road by making the wrong choice at this point.

    But I'm not quite sure what your options are as you see them. You can't move in with your grandma, so it looks like you're at home no matter what. So is your choice to make amends with your mom (and accept her "bribe") or to go into silent mode again?

    And I still can't see the connection to your sexuality in this latest incident. Yes, it was obviously an issue with the phone. But it doesn't seem to have played a role in causing this latest flare-up, or did it? I mean I can understand why you're not happy with her reaction at the time of the phone incident...

    I keep getting drawn back to this line;

    To me this seems to be the root of the problem, and if it keeps getting drawn back to the sexuality thing it's only as a result of mud-slinging where everything and the kitchen sink get thrown into the argument. But by that point the argument is no longer about anything specific, it's taken on a life of its own like the devil's spawn...

    One thing is for sure, if you're going to survive at home for any length of time you'll need to come to some sort of mutual understanding with your mom where these explosions don't happen with regularity. I detect that there is a strong will on both sides and a tendency to let things get out of hand which then blows up in a massive fireball. At some point it no longer matters who's right and who's wrong - it's time to call in the fire department!

    My advice to you? Don't throw your life away just because a heated argument gets your feathers ruffled. This is about more than just the next year and a month. Is college in your future? What do you want to do with your life? Blasting yourself out of your home the minute you turn 18 might not be in your best interests. It sounds like the two of you are capable of having moments with level heads, so you should be able to work things out where you acknowledge when things are about to get out of hand and take steps to head it off. She seems to have a basic respect for you (in cooler moments at least), and despite her take on your sexuality I think there's still some respect in you for her. That's all it should take you move this through to an adult-to-adult solution.

    Otherwise what other real options do you have?
     
  8. Sesshomaru

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    It caused this incident since my aunt was around and my mom always tries to show off in front of people. My aunt mentioned something about my sexuality which lead my mom to eventually going off on me due to wanting to still seem like she's in charge of any and everything me, and feeling embarrassed since everyone in our family can't prove that I'm pretty much gay since I don't have the stereotypical look nor any signs of it that I show openly but they all still act weird around me except all my aunts besides this one, and my bros do (even though my oldest bro on her side of the family is a grown man).
    Now a weird yet twisted turn of events has happened. My mom went to the doc's a few hours ago due to not feeling well and the doc said her pressure skyrocketed overnight. Wonder how that happened even though our argument only lasted literally under 20 seconds /sarcasm. We're not sitting less than 5 feet from each other and she won't speak to me and she knows I'm not gonna say anything to her. My grandma's still begging me to make amends with her even with her being wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do it.