Hey everyone. I just introduced myself in the appropriate section of the forums and...I dunno...I just kind of feel like writing a little more in depth about where I am in my life right now. I don't know that I have a particular question or concern that I'm getting at, but writing out my thoughts in a stream of consciousness has always just been very therapeutic for me. So, I dunno, I guess if anyone has anything insightful to respond with once I'm done, I always appreciate getting someone else's perspective on things. But be forewarned, I am verbose, so fair warning, stop reading now if you don't wanna get on this crazy train to nowhere. :icon_wink I guess I have to start with a little background as to how I found myself here in the first place. I'm 24 years old, grew up about an hour's drive from NYC, and moved to a new city a thousand miles from home last summer and started grad school. I'm in the psychology field, but am by no means a clinician. I'm more the nerdy science-y type of experimental psychologist-to-be. I've always been pretty close with my family, nearly all of whom are still in the northeastern US where I grew up. I've been told that I'm a pretty personable guy and have had a fairly successful social life as an adult. Despite being sociable with a large circle of friends, I am still most certainly the type to form a few deep, deep friendships that I value above all the other more casual friendships combined. So, that being said, moving so far from home after never really having moved my whole life (save for my undergrad career, but that was still only like an hour away from home. It was the northeast, EVERYTHING is close together lol) has been trying at times, but I'm getting along pretty well with my new life down south. I see it as a blessing that the thing that has made moving the hardest has been the fact that I have so many awesome people in my life back home that I love so much and miss them like crazy! But I guess all of this has given me the perspective to think more deeply about who I am, where I am in my life, and where the hell I might be going. I'm bisexual. I guess I've known for some time now; can't really put my finger on when exactly I figured that out...probably around 17 yrs. old. Even before that, I knew I was attracted to guys, but had convinced myself it was a phase, or considered maybe I was gay, or just denied it all together sometimes. I guess I even bought into the stereotypes out there for a little while that bisexuality is a myth and bisexuals are just a bunch of people unsure of what they want and who they are. Let me say this; I live so so SO SO much of my life in my own head and think things through so thoroughly and so constantly and so deeply that it literally keeps me up at night. A lot. It is single-handedly my favorite and least-favorite trait about myself; a true blessing and curse. (The over-thinking thing, not the bisexuality...but come to think of it, who knows? That could very well fall into the same category for me someday...) So I have mulled over every possibility there is, and am sure that I am definitely bisexual. And the furthest I've ever gone until writing this has been checking off a "bisexual" box on surveys and things. I'm a scientist, remember? I might be too confused and cowardly to have ever actually talked about it, but if it is a relevant variable I want to make damn sure that I'm giving people accurate data lol. :lol: I am SUCH a nerd sometimes! Another confounding factor in my exploration of my sexuality has been the fact that I've been overweight my whole life. Like, literally my whole life. Came out of the womb weighing 10.5 lbs. I don't see myself as necessarily unattractive, but I'm definitely not in shape, and I don't like that about myself. I've got a decently big frame as it is, and I do have a little muscle on me, so I'm somewhere in between athletic and fat I guess...if that makes sense haha. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but I've never gotten terribly huge, nor ever REALLY got in shape. So self-esteem has always been kind of an issue, but the weight thing is just a small part of it. The over-thinking is really the worst part, because as much as I hate it, I can't NOT think about what other people might be thinking about me. People who say they don't care what other people think are downright fucking liars. Everyone cares to some degree whether they admit it to themselves or not. Anyway, I just always used to doubt myself SO much in social interactions. That was more a teenage phase I think, because as I said in my adult life I have a pretty active social life. I can't think of any moment or reason I changed, just sort of grew into being somewhat comfortable in my own skin I guess. So, with all the weight and self-esteem issues, I never had any success with the love life in high school. Sucks, and I hate that I didn't, but I can't change that now, so I'm kind of over it. And I said "all the weight and self-esteem issues" but I do want to point out that they were just that: issues. It didn't rule my life. They were/are just issues I have. Everyone's got something, and I have the personal strength and clear-mindedness to be able to admit mine and deal with them. Maybe not deal with them in the most healthy ways all the time, but I'm not on some crazy path to self-destruction. I consider myself a pretty normal guy overall. Complicated, yes, but just living life and trying to enjoy the ride. So anyway, back to high school. Like I said, I was confused most of that time, but did manage to build up the courage to express feelings to a few girls I had crushes on, just never with any success. Always got the "you're just such a good friend/like a brother" speech. Pretty much the worst thing for an over-thinker to hear. Does she really actually think that? Is that really just code for "you are totally and completely undesirable but let me try my hardest not to be a bitch about this"? Am I just gay and wasting my time here? *GASP* :eek: Does SHE think I'm gay and doesn't want to say so? But...wait, I really DO actually like her...after all it was pretty tough to build up the courage to even address it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? So yeah, since that was my luck with the ladies, I wasn't even about to THINK about stepping outside the box and trying my luck with guys. I kind of was starting to accept myself as undesirable and that I would be perpetually stuck with only my right hand for sexual gratification. Then college came. New faces, new friends, all very scary at first, but eventually I found my place in a group of friends. Partying, drinking, awesome times. Wouldn't trade my college life for the world. Pledged a fraternity during freshman year with some of my close friends, and the fun just increased exponentially (AFTER pledge season lol), and really brought me and the guys I pledged with a lot closer. One day we were hanging out and I don't even remember how exactly it came up, but they pretty much told me that when they first met me, they thought I was gay. It wasn't a question, so I didn't even really know what to say. So, I just asked why. And they said that I was just really quiet and nice and stuff. So, not the worst stereotype to be identified with I guess lol. But again, for an over-thinker, this just had me analyzing my every action to see if anything I did was somehow revealing my attraction to guys to the people around me. I pretty much came up with nothing, and just kinda let it slide. Now that I think about it, I think it came up because we were discussing just how close we had become since we had met upon moving in to the dorms. And, admittedly, I am SO shy and quiet around new people. But once I get comfortable around a few of them, the fun-loving rambunctious true me comes out. So I guess that's just what they were pointing out because I was probably doing something ridiculous at the time. So through the rest of college, I did finally have some luck in the love life. Random drunken make-out sessions, even kind of had a long-term relationship. I say kind of because it was totally messed up in so many ways. Basically, she wanted a real relationship with me. I was apprehensive, for a few reasons. Like I said, never had a real relationship before and by this time I was 20 and totally insecure about the fact that I was a virgin who only had a few drunken make-out sessions up to then. Now that I had a taste of success with girls, I guess I got greedy and didn't want to settle down. Wanted to make up for lost time I guess lol. Also, bottom line, while I did like this girl a lot, I didn't like the idea of a relationship at the time. I was super involved in the fraternity, I was waiting tables like 35 hours a week, and all this was on top of...oh yeah, COLLEGE! That is why I was there in the first place haha. I didn't want to deal with the BS I saw my friends dealing with their girlfriends. So I kept her at arms length for like a year. Lost the virginity (she was a virgin too), and we were having fun college open relationship sex. She did crack down a few times and made us do some relationshipy things, and I was totally cool with that. After all, this girl was the source of this new found confidence, and I wasn't being a TOTAL asshole, I did legitimately like her a lot. So toward the end of us being "together" for almost a year, I kind of started to accept that we pretty much were dating. My friends actually pointed it out lol; I think I said I was single in some context and they were all just like, "Dude. You are so not single. Get over it." Haha, I love my friends; always willing to give you a swift kick in the pants when you need it. That's how you know someone is a true friend. So, basically I started to want to make this thing real, like she wanted all along, and this was right around the time that she was sick of my BS, and it all crumbled apart. I totally deserved it, but I most certainly did not deserve the way it crumbled apart, which I won't even get into since this is long enough already. Suffice it to say, she was not 100% in the right either. So after all that, a lot of our mutual friends (actually...HER sorority sisters...which made it all the better) ended up telling me that I could do way better and they never understood why I was with her for as long as I was. Bit of a consolation, but it was still a crappy thing for both of us to deal with. In the end, it turned out to be a really good thing that the relationship never got TOO serious. We ended up making up a few months later after things cooled down, which I'm totally happy about. Not that we're really friends now, but we're friendLY and that's fine with me. And that is the last real success I've had in the love life. Some bumping and grinding on the dance floor at parties, bars, and clubs lol, but I definitely took a shot to the self-esteem that really prevented me from putting myself out there more. It sucks, yeah, but my life has just been so hectic anyway that I kind of resigned myself back to high school me: sexually frustrated inside, but I guess I just appear asexual to the rest of the world. Or who knows, maybe that's just an excuse because I'm scared. So now with this whole new life a thousand miles away thing, I've thought many times that if I'm ever going to experiment with the guy-liking side of my sexuality, this is probably the time to do it. But the problem remains that I still just totally lack confidence in going after ANYONE, guy or girl, that I don't even know how I'll move on from here. Part of me thinks if I just lost the weight and became a little more confident then I could go for something. Another part of me thinks that I'd be too much of a coward to ever come out, so what's the point in ever bothering trying to do ANYTHING with a guy? I guess I just feel like I've missed out on so much already by being such a coward, it's beyond the point of trying to find my self-identity as an adolescent...I've just transformed into this pathetic 24 year old guy who's too scared to make a move in ANY direction. I often think I should see a therapist and find out what's really wrong with me...but then again people in psychology often say that we all got into the field because we're convinced something is wrong with ourselves that we want to fix. And sometimes I just kick myself and say "Hey, you are living a pretty successful life with great friends, a loving family, and having as much fun as you possibly can. So you haven't had success in love. Big deal. A lot of people are A LOT worse off, so stop being such a little bitch and over-thinking things, and just GO WITH THE FLOW." But I also fear that I just "go with the flow" too much in my life...and maybe it's time to make a change. *sigh* :bang: There's always too much going on in my head! Which again makes me think that I should strive for love. All I really want is for some girl OR guy to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. But don't we all? I guess it's just getting to be too much to bear that I've gone 24 years without it. So I had to do something. So I started by writing this. And I think that's where I'll end it. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step... For those who did, thanks for reading the ramblings of this scared little boy trapped in a man's head.
Well, that was quite an interesting read, and quite certainly comprehensive. First off, Welcome to EC! Second, we're here to talk to each other, so never feel bad about sharing. Ok, I guess to start, you live in Florida now? Do you know of any LGBT clubs/ groups near where you live? Some of the good things about meeting with other LGBT people are: you know that you'll be accepted regardless of your sexuality, you can meet some prospective dates, and, a huge part, you can meet a lot of interesting people and perhaps make some new friends to go with your "new life" in Orlando. I don't know how many people you know down there now, but it can never hurt to meet new people. I know you're shy, but perhaps it will actually be easier to explore your sexuality when you're not surrounded by people you know. People you don't want to rock the boat with, or who already have a concrete idea of who you are. Just like this forum, sometimes the easiest people to talk to are strangers. I don't know if you should see a therapist, because I will admit I don't know much about them. But, I don't see how talking to a therapist would result in something negative. It may not help, but I don't see how it could hurt.
Other people may have it worse than you, but in no way does that make your troubles less legitimate. It is perfectly normal to be concerned for your well-being. In terms of wanting a special someone in your life, my counselor told me it this way: it is very hard to love or take care of others when you don't love or take care of yourself. It's like when you're on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down. You secure your own mask before securing the mask on your child. If you try to help others before helping yourself, you suffocate. I guess my advice is to: try and recognize why you want certain things or why certain things make you uncomfortable; acknowledge that your feelings are normal and don't make you crazy or wrong; if something isn't working, consider how you could act differently in the future so that you're more comfortable or happy.
