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Oh my God, Mother.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ashleigh Ann, Apr 9, 2010.

  1. Ashleigh Ann

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    So I accidentally let it out of the bag that my best friend is gay to my mom. I made her promise not to tell anyone, including my dad because he didn't want his dad to find out. A couple of months later, I told her that I'm bisexual. She promised then that she wouldn't tell my dad and it was up to me as to when I did that. Now, however, I'm really paranoid that she has told him. I mean, he always seems kind of homophobic or at least not supportive when things such as gay rights get brought up in conversation. I'm not sure I want him to know now, or possibly even later. I don't particularly like lying to him but it's much more comfortable this way.

    Also, the other day, some random kid came up to me in the halls, called me a dyke, and disappeared. I tried not to show anything but I was really, really pissed and kind of hurt by it. I thought that I was ready to be open to people but now I just feel like people are going to judge over something that really doesn't matter all that much. I live in a pretty provincial area and the people that are out here fit in with the popular crowd and nothing happens to them, ever. I definitely do not fit into the popular crowd and I feel a little trapped now that someone not so benevolent may know. I haven't told anyone outside my friends and a bunch of them sit with very gossip-y people in several classes and said they haven't heard anything through our normally very reliable grapevine.

    I'm not sure if I'm overreacting to these two things or not but I'm just a little (read: a lot) scared now.
     
  2. HalfInsane

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    I know we all hear horror stories about children who have told their parents they are gay, who are disowned and kicked out of the house. However, as far as I'm concerned this instances are few are far between (not to trivialize the issue, but I feel it is often made to seem much more likely to happen than it should be). It might take your dad some time to adjust, he might be angry, he might be upset, but you are his daughter, and given time I'm sure he'll come to accept it. My dad is very much what one could call a redneck, and I won't like and say he accepted me easily, but he still loves me of course, and your dad will still love you. He'll just need time- don't push him, and remind him you're still his daughter and you love him. Not to say you have to tell him, only do so if you're ready. But if you decide to tell him, remember, he's still your dad, you're still his daughter. Your being bi doesn't change that.

    As for people at school knowing... quite frankly, there's often nothing you can do once word of something gets out. I find that the best thing to do is, to treat it like it's not a big deal. If someone asks if you're bi, just reply "Yup". No further answer is required- because you're right, it really doesn't matter much. Often if you don't make a big deal out of something, others won't see it as a big deal.
     
  3. QuilsQ

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    Well I was the same way when I was coming out to my parents. My mom was supportive but my dad wasn't. I guess the best advice I can give is to give him time once you do. Now for the issues in school I think HalfInsane said what I would have said. What HalfInsane said is what I do. Try not to let it bother ou too much.
     
  4. Sylver

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    I think it's natural for you to feel scared or worried about these two things, so don't feel bad that you do.

    In regards to school, I really like what HalfInsane told you above. Sometimes shallow people do things to get their kicks and so whatever. Just go on about your life. It's amazing how quickly issues blow over as the idiots get bored and move on to their next target. Or if you prefer to take a more aggressive approach, our dear friends Malachite and Connor22 always have more than a few good zingers on hand... I'm sure they'd be glad to share!

    I think the bigger advice here is to not let the ups and downs of life get to you. There will be days when you're on top of the world and the whole world seems thrilled that you're bi and that you've come out. Then there will also be days where some narrow-minded fool comes along and tries to bring you down, or when you're just down on yourself for whatever reason. Don't let those days make you lose what you've gained. Ride them out while you're awaiting the return of those much more positive days, because they always come back in time.

    As for your dad, personally I'm thinking that it might not be a bad thing if your mom has already told him, because it sounds like it's something you'd rather have out of the way, just minus the risks that it won't go well. If she's already told him and he hasn't flown off the handle at you yet, then it's probably a sign you've misread him a little.

    But having said that, I'm not sure she's told him. In which case it's really up to you when or if you tell him at all. There's no rule in the LGBT Handbook (2010 edition, now available in paperback) that says you have to come out to everyone. Trust me, you'll know if you have to tell him, and you'll know when the time is right. It won't be because someone told you the time is right, it will be because your inner voice will let you know. So trust yourself - trust your inner voice to know.

    And as for him being homophobic - perhaps. But I've seen it enough times already (my own situation included) where the actual response from parents was quite a ways off the mark from the anticipated response. And even if he does have a homophobic streak in him right now, don't underestimate his capacity to change when faced with the reality of having a gay/bi daughter. Dick Cheney, anyone?