College Life - Depression

Not to sound like a broken record, but crisis lines. They are good. They're open 24/7, and may be reached from the safety of your bed as you cry into your pillow (and yes, I've called in that position). You don't have to be holding the knife in your hand to call them, the mere fact that you're feeling awful is enough. They're happy to work on keeping you from ever getting to the knife-in-hand stage.

Talking to them is tough, but it has some advantages over in-person. The first is that it feels more anonymous. The people you're calling may not live anywhere near you (especially if you call Trevor, other crisis lines may divert you to a local center, though you still probably won't know the person or ever encounter them outside the hotline).

I get depression in waves, too. That's normal. Really normal. Don't think of going out and trying to have a good time as "hiding it." That's about the healthiest thing you can do (my counselor is really insistent on it. She gives me homework assignments that amount to stuff like "that cool chick you said you were connecting with? spend time with her." What you're doing is exactly correct). Try and reconnect with old friends if at all possible (instant messaging is your friend here). The girl I now consider my best friend is a friend who used to be a distant classmate I hung out with cause I liked her friends, we started chatting on Facebook, then we both started having major problems, vented like crazy...she basically saved my life. I'm not sure how literally and I don't think I want to know.

 

I know that I probably sound like everyone else you've spoken to, but go see a counselor. Since you're at college they're most likely free, or at least very low cost. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of, and making the appointment is the hardest part. You just have to think of the counselor as a normal doctor. You would go to the doctor if your leg was broken, so you go to a counselor when you're having some emotional issues. Even over just 3 or 4 sessions they could be an immense help, and most counselors/psychiatrists don't want to hand out medication unless they have to, so if you're worried about being pumped full of drugs, it isn't an issue unless it's biological.

Granted, it took me 9 months to go to a counselor after I hit rock bottom with my issues, and it was still difficult, but I had friends who made me go, and who had gone themselves. Now it seems like I see someone I know in the waiting room every single time I go. Talk to your friends, ask for help in getting there, and go see the counselor. You aren't vulnerable around them, and they'll never share your secret (it's illegal, and I'm sure they don't want to talk about other people's issues when they're off duty).
(&&&)

 

Going away to college does alter the friendship dynamic. People you thought you'd be pinky friends forever with start drifting away, and those you thought you wouldn't talk to much end up being much better at keeping in touch. Know that this is very rarely a deliberate thing. Nobody thought "Yay, P&I is going to college, so I can break away from her!" It's just that the relationships were much easier to maintain when you were forced to spend part of the day, five days of seven. Once you remove that, and put some distance between you, it's a lot tougher. Just do your best to stay in touch, and work on maintaining the "here and now" relationships.

As for your depression....been there, done that, got the T-shirt. (And it was the wrong size.) And yeah, it sucks worse than a Hoover factory. But here's how I look at it.

Sometimes you get kinda sick. You catch a cold, or you eat something that didn't agree with you. In cases like that, you treat yourself. You might take a day off from classes, stay in bed, perhaps take some medicine, sleep it off. And in a day or two, you're probably back to normal enough to go back to your daily routine.

But sometimes you get sicker than that. You're throwing up so much you're getting dehydrated, or the flu hits you so hard that you can't eat, and you get some major body aches and chills. When things like this hit, you're basically out of your league. You've passed a point where you can easily treat yourself. And that's when you go see the doctor. You go see somebody who specializes in medicine, to help treat you so you can get healthy again.

With depression? It's exactly the same thing. Not a bit like, or somewhat like, but precisely like.

Sometimes we have some mental or emotional stuff to deal with. Issues with people, or just trying to get our head in the right place. And often, we can handle it ourselves. We take a bit of time to sort out our feelings and thoughts, and usually emerge in a better spot. But sometimes, we just aren't unable to deal with things. Either the problems are too large for us to tackle alone, or we can't get a decent objective viewpoint, or perhaps there's just a chemical imbalance that's preventing us from doing what we need to do. Whichever the case is, the solution is the same - go see somebody who is trained to deal with this sort of thing.

I've had two bouts of depression - one in 1994, and one in 2008. And each time, I didn't hide it. At all. I let everybody know. Well, OK, I didn't introduce myself to people with "Hi, I'm Lex, and I'm clinically depressed" but all of my friends and family knew. Why should I hide it from them? If somebody breaks their leg, they don't hide the cast, toss the crutches behind the couch, try hobbling along and pray nobody notices. They just say "Yeah, I broke my leg". Depression is precisely the same deal. But it's your brain rather than your leg that's a bit out of whack. So I told my friends, "Yeah, I'm grappling with depression right now. I'm seeing a doctor about it, and I think I'm moving forward. But I thought I'd keep you in the loop." And to a person, everybody was cool with it. Again, it's not like anybody points and laughs at somebody with a cast on, saying "Ha - you couldn't even heal your own broken leg." They all seemed to intuit that this was just something that needed to be done, and they all said "Cool - let me know if I can help." And that response, in and of itself, helped a lot.

You don't immediately have to go announce your depression to everybody. But don't feel it's something you've got soldier through alone. You don't. In fact, the isolation you feel from trying to hide it tends to make it worse. So keep the whole "doctor" thing in mind, and go. If you're not sure you'd be able to start talking to the counselor, print out your original post and hand it to him/her. That should get things rolling.

...go kick ass.

Lex

 

Agreeing with Lex - again.

The first year of university is a tough one. Lots of changes - some of them quite stressful. I remember struggling with depression as well in my first year. I didn't meet tons of people, missed some of my high school friends, and was a little overwhelmed with the courses. But I got by, and I'm sure you will too.

If exercising, going out for dinner, and hanging out with the LGBT folks at school isn't doing it for you (as these would all have been suggestions) then I STRONGLY recommend that you take advantage of the counselling that is available to you. What's the harm? Whats the downside? Counselling was the best thing for me - I credit it with saving my life. I think everyone has stuff that they should work through with a therapist.

Give it a shot. And PM me if you want to talk.

 

That's the biggest bitch about depression. You start thinking that the depressed state is natural, and that everybody else has it wrong. Nope. Your brain's just feeding you some bad info. Like when you see a coin on the floor, and think it's a bug? Same idea.

Don't "hope to make an appearence." Make an appointment. Go. You might want to just print out your first post and hand it to them to read. Comes in handy if you feel you might fumble around for words.

Lex

 

I completely agree that the first step is the hardest. You've already made it though, and you don't realize it. You've admitted that this isn't something you can handle on your own, and that's a HUGE step. Making an appointment is easier than you think. Once you step into the counseling center, and realize how busy they are, you'll make the appointment (or else it was a waste of a walk there). And then you'll go to the appointment, so as not to waste their time. All you have to do is walk there.

Bring some friends with you for support if you want too. I think you'd be surprised how many friends will just sit in a waiting room for you while you're in your first appointment.

 

Your story is almost identical to mine in my first year, though I wasn't out then and didn't have the extra support of the LGBT group.

I tried to ignore it to the point where I failed all of my exams in the first term, and everything felt hopeless. Honestly, go to your personal tutor/any tutor that you trust - you'll be surprised at how many people have spoken to them about the same thing. Just offloading some of the bad feeling will make you feel a lot more positive.

The first step is always the hardest, but you'll probably find that after the first time, you'll receive the odd piece of correspondence in your uni inbox asking how things are, which then gives you the option of talking to them again if you need to.

 

As a third year university student who has been living with depression since I was a young teenager, I can tell you that getting medical/psychological help is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. It will change your life and make you feel like yourself again. It won't happen instantly, and anyone who says so is lying, but it will happen eventually. I personally have been on anti-depressants since I was 16 because my depression was not treatable simply by counselling, though I also did counselling for about a year. The combination of those two things has made my life so much easier. Sure, I still have my lows even with the meds, but I figure that's probably normal. Chemical imbalances are what they are and sometimes even pills can't completely alter your state of mind. Anyway, I'm not saying that you'll need medication by any means (though if it is suggested by a doctor, I am a definite advocate). It's good that you're planning on going to visit the counselling office at your university. You won't regret it. I couldn't agree more with Lex, you just have to bite the bullet. It's so worth it and you owe it to yourself to do whatever possible to have good mental health. Trust me, I should know lol. Also, just know that you've always got this online community to support and help you. I'm a great believer in the power of web forums to allow people to reach out to others and make them feel they're not alone. I'll tell you right now, you CAN get through this and you WILL get through it. Stay strong babe!

 

Try and picture the other side of this. Just allow yourself for a moment to imagine what it would be like to be free of depression once and for all, to be living your life as you want, dreaming your dreams and becoming the person you were meant to be. Nothing is out of reach, and there is no depression getting in the way of your achievements. Imagine enjoying life, living for each moment, as a happy person. Wouldn't that be nice?

This scenario is 100% achievable. Now use this as your motivation to get help. It's the first step towards a better future for you.