So I've started going to parties with some of the gay guys in the community. Mainly low-key events where alcohol is generally not served (for a variety of reasons). And while I can do it, I feel pretty uncomfortable and like I don't fit in. I don't normally feel shy, but I do in these groups, like I have nothing to say, or nothing that anyone'd want to listen to. And I don't really feel accepted. Not that I feel rejected, just...not accepted. Not yet, at least. And that makes me quieter and more awkward, and so less likely to feel acceptance. This is especially true when the talk turns to sex (I'm pretty inexperienced and have no desire to talk about what experience I have). I really have nothing to say and feel...inadequate too. And deeply uncomfortable, which is off-putting cause I don't usually have much of a TMI barrier. It's not horrible, just...not entirely fun and really draining. I think it'll be worth it in the end, but some advice for the meantime would be nice.
Part of it is the newness of it. There's no question it's a challenge to open yourself up to a group you're unfamilar with, and even if you're comfortable accepting yourself, it still takes time to really feel comfortable in settings that are unfamiliar and, at some level, where you don't feel "competent" because of your lack of experience. The truth is, half the people you hang with are probably in a similar place that you are, but perhaps they just "front" better than you do As for the sex talk, one thing you might do just fine at is talking about porn sex... pointing out how ridiculous some of it is, or the sorts of expectations set, or something like that; I'm guessing that a lot of people would probably share your views. It will definitely get easier over time. And it's nice that you're in an environment where alcohol use isn't common, because that will help you normalize and socialize with gay people without alcohol, which is much harder when you've started learning to socialize with people that way. Good luck and keep us informed!
The other thing I would suggest is hanging out with some of these people in a smaller group. Whoever invited you to the party - invite them out for coffee or to the movies or something. Letting someone get to know you one on one is easier than baring your soul in a group. The more comfortable you are with that person the more comfortable you'll get at these get togethers as well.
Not sure if this is appropriate, but I'm resurrecting this thread cause, well, I'm still feeling like this and would really appreciate some more advice. Some thoughts on the (very good, thanks guys!) advice I've already received: Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I honestly don't think that's the case with this group. From what I can tell, most of them are a bit older than me, several came out earlier than me, a few have had multiple relationships, etc. I don't think it's just that they're "fronting" better than me. Definitely. Though even in small settings I still often feel so incredibly naive and out-of-place, but it is easier.
I don't know many gay people either and I've never been to a gay party and I also get really uncomfortable around other gay guys. It's so hard to just be yourself when there's someone that you might be "expected" to act like or something right there with you. It's weird. But, I've recently gone out with 2 gay guys I know that have similar interests to me. It's been really really cool meeting them and seeing how they are on a personal basis. I also think it's probably good for me to realize the fact that there are other people out there like me. I dunno if you feel the same way. But they've been great and they make me feel totally at ease, so it's prob different than the party scene. Drinking makes it easier, but it shouldn't be a crutch (even though I sometimes treat it like that). I think Jim's advice is good. Go out with them on a personal level.
I'm not a partier; I feel uncomfortable in large groups no matter who they are. I'm not sure whether that's the case with you, but try, as Jim suggested, hanging out with them in small, calmer gatherings and see if it makes a difference. Whatever you do, do not consume any alcohol just because you want to "loosen up." That is a terrible idea and the least valid justification for drinking out there.
I was in the same situation as you a year and a half ago. Now? Those people I was all awkward around are now my current circle of friends, and one of whom is my roommate. I just stuck to it and got to know them.
I was considering making a post about this myself, and its nice to see that there are others in my position. Not "nice" in the sense that I'm glad you feel awkward, but that there are others who feel just as awkward as I do. Wait no, I mean that I hope you feel more comfortable being in these situations, as I hope to do the same. Ha, well you get the point. Better stop typing before I put my foot deeper in mouth.
^_^ No worries gialamas. How 'bout this: "I hope that both of us come to feel more comfortable in the community, but in the meantime, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one"?
you're still getting comfortable in your own skin, you're just at that age. it takes time. Like you said you don't feel rejected, once you're more comfortable put yourself out there. I will say cudos for going to places with no booze you don't want things getting too wild your first few times out the gates
Eh, it's not for me. Those types of meetings and events (even if low key) can have negative consequences, especially if the gay guys in your state are shady and lame (like mine, but that varies, I'm sure). I live in a small state. Too small.... But I've experimented with those events and they truly aren't for me. If you keep on feeling this way for a long time, I would suggest you stop attending them.
The parts of the gay community I've gotten involved with seem pretty decent, not at all sketchy, though not quite nerdy enough for my tastes.
My suggestion to you is to take gay people in small doses at first. When I first came out, I found it very hard to relate to other gay people, and to be honest, I still do sometimes. You just need to find the right group of gays, and you'll be fine. Also, just because you're gay, it doesn't mean that you can't still hang out and have a really good time with your straight friends.
