I'm no where near ready to come out to anyone beyond the few (3-5 people) who know that i'm....well i dont know. Gay, bi, i dont know. I know im not straight. Anyway. I've just recently come out to myself and accepted that I am who I am. I'm now ready to deal with the reality of it, dating, meeting people, etc. But what I don't know is how or when to try and tell my family, or should I just let it go. I'm still living with my mother and I'm going to start school this fall. I live in a small town and its not gay-friendly in my opinion. I think that my mother, most of my cousin, and some of my aunts/uncles as well as my step-family would be cool with it. My dad will freak out and I can't handle that right now. Should I wait until I move out on my own or transfer to a bigger school in a year or two before I try and come out? When should I? I don't want to lie to anyone. least of all my family but I dont want to push anyone away because I'm gay or bi or whatever.
Welcome to EC! The general rule is to do what's best and what's most comfortable to you. Since you think your mother would be cool with it, you might consider taking her on board. She'll probably feel the same way about your father as you do, so it's exceptionally doubtful that she'd betray that trust. Just let her know where you think you stand, and take it from there. Lex
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! First off, congratulations on coming out to yourself and on beginning the coming out process. That's awesome! I think it would be good and helpful if you continue building up your support network, before deciding on coming out to your family. I think it would also be good if you explore your sexuality further and try to understand all of the feelings that you do have better before coming out to your family. Once you are pretty secure in understanding your feelings it might also make it easier for you to come out and talk to your mum, dad, and extended family. There is no rush in coming out to others when you are not entirely sure as to whether this is the right time. Sometimes it is better to wait and have everything in place. It is important that you do feel comfortable with yourself and with the thoughts of coming out. That said, it really depends on how you feel about coming out to your mum at this stage. If you feel that this is something you need to do, and want her to know that your trying to figure your sexuality out then perhaps try to give it a go. Perhaps what you could do is, stand in front of the mirror and say out loud to yourself, "I want to come out to my mum" and see how you feel and take it from there. It is good that you are ready to 'deal with the reality of it' because that will help you in understanding yourself even more so. Even though you live in a small town, are there any LGBT resources, such as a support group, available or nearby that you could look into?
Thanks for the advice so far. Whenever I do decide to come out to my family, my mom will definitely be the first person. But what about my dad? He's openly expressed his feelings about gay people in general, although he is mellowing in age. It might be a bit much for him when i come out. So when I get to that point, which very likely would be a few years away yet, i guess i'll take it from there. Anyone have any advice on meeting people in a small religious town in the bible belt?
Are you out to any friends? Unless they're close to your family, I'd start with them first. That way, if things go sour with your family, you''l have someone fo support. I also find it much easier to come out to friends than to family. Do you live with both your parents or only your mom? If you live with your mom only, I'd come out. You can talk to your father and let him deal with his feelings. If it's both, then I'd wait. Since you're dependent on at least one of them, things can go bad and you could possibly get kicked out.
Hi there! A good starting point would be to contact PFLAG and see if they could provide you with some contact information or resources for your area that could tap into. Here is a link to their website and chapter information for Oklahoma. I think taking it as things come and starting with the people that you feel most comfortable coming out to at this stage is a good approach. I would definitely wait until coming out to your dad. When you do come out to your mum (and as Lex indicated) ask her not to reveal anything to your dad until you feel ready to come out to him. Hope this helps a bit!
Hi! and welcome to EC Well, I'm in a position similar to yours. I'm still trying to figure out whether i'm gay, bi or whatever. The only thing I know is that im not 100% straight. I came out to myself and decided to face this a couple of months ago; I didnt want to continue lying to myself. I have never told anyone about this. All my family and friends think that I'm straight, but too busy with college to find a girlfriend. I really hate that they dont know this part about me; I dont like to lie and it makes me feel bad to know that I'm lying to the people I love. That's why some times I want to come out to them and stop pretending to be straight (I'm also tired of people asking me how it is possible that I havent found a girl in a 20,000 people college). But I don't think I'm ready to come out. I havent accept 100% the fact that I'm not straight, I still have trouble picturing myself having a relationship with another guy, and a lot of other things. So, each time I think I want to come out I ask myself "do I really accept the way I'm? If I dont accept myself, how are other people supposed to accept me? How am I supposed to answer if I'm sure of what I'm." That's why I think I'm going to wait some time before I finally come out, I need to accept myself 100%. That's the only way I'll feel confortable with myself and feel confortable around the people I love. I wouldn't want to make them feel I'm not confortable around them. So I suggest you to wait some time before coming out. I know it is hard to lie to the people you love, but I think it is more important to feel confortable about yourself. Good luck
I live with my mom so telling her would be a smart thing, but i dont think im ready for that just yet. I'm out to 3 friends. Like I said i live with my mother, but starting school this fall I'm still relying on financial support from my dad for certain things (health insurance, etc) and I want to wait until I can financially support myself before I come out that way in case everyone does freak and cut me off, its no big deal because I could support myself. Or am I being unrealistic? My main question is this, should i wait? I think waiting would be a good idea..but maybe thats just me And I'm also wondering how to meet people in this part of the country. I don't like the idea of meeting people online for safety reasons, but should I try it?
Hi there! I think waiting before you come out to your dad is a good idea. I do not think that this is being unrealistic. In fact, I would say that it would be the smart thing to do, especially if you rely on your dad for financial support. I do think this would be the right approach. I think there is no harm in waiting before you come out to your dad. Take it slow and come out to him, once you feel ready, secure, and have some financial independence. In terms of meeting others, have a look at the PFLAG website. If you can, contact one of the PFLAG Chapters in your state and inquire as to whether they can provide you with some information as to what is available in your area. In addition, you could also try doing a Google search and see if something comes up or provides you with some leads for your surrounding area. I think that would be your safest bet in finding some support and also meeting other people.
Has anyone ever been in a situation where they were in a place where the general population is generally unfriendly to GLBT people?
Hi - and welcome to EC! Thankfully - no. I live in a very open and accepting city. The bottom line is that you shouldn't come out to other people until you're ready to. So if you've got some hesitation, there's likely a reason for it. So until you're really comfortable with the idea, it's probably best that you wait. Hang out here for a while first. Get comfortable with the fact that you're not straight, and that it's not a big deal. Everyone here understands, and most of us fall into the same category (not straight) yet we're a pretty cool bunch of people. And once you start to equate 'not straight' with 'pretty cool' you'll feel better about coming out. Again - welcome! And good luck.
Thanks everyone. I already feel better just having people to talk to! It's also nice not to feel so isolated, which i usually do.
Glad you have started to feel better. If you want, try to start talking with some EC members. A good way to start is to create an introduction thread in Introductions, Welcomes and Congratulations. You can also use the wall system to talk to others. I'm sure you will get to know a few members in no time! (*hug*)
Outside of PFLAG, which there is a chapter where I live, are there any other ways or organizations you would recommend for meeting people? I want to focus on discovering who I am and meeting new people
Hi there! Have you tried doing a few searches on Google and see if there is perhaps a LGBT support group for your area? If you have a hard time finding something, you could also contact PFLAG and ask them if they could provide you with further contact information to other support groups and/or to organizers of LGBT social events in your area. You could also try searching for "LGBT social events and [your area]" and see if something comes up. A lot of support groups will have social events for LGBT, where they can come together and get to know each other. There are also often wellness groups that provide a safe space and have regular social events. So yeah, maybe try different search terms. If you want some help, feel free to PM me your general area and I'll try helping you finding something that could provide you with a few leads.
I've decided to tell my mom first, but I'm going to wait until I've met some people and have become more comfortable with it. Maybe even once I've been on a date or something. So I can be certain of who I am.
