Hi everyone! First of all I have to thank everyone who's posting on this site before. You guys are simply amazing and have helped me dealing with my sexuality and most importantly all your entries have helped me to stop hiding it Here's my problem. I am studying in the UK my parents are however living abroad. So I only see them for about 3 weeks per year or so. I am 21 and think I have been gay all my life but have been hiding it and even dated and had relationships with girls. I have started to come out to some close friends at my uni and so far things are working out better than expected. Most of my friends are fine with it, (well some are in a bit in a shock but I think they just need some time ;-)) And I have even met this guy and we are sort of dating and I think I actually love him! I however think I need to come out to my parents. I am visiting them right now and am flying back on Sunday and so far I didn't quiet have the chance to come out - I really want to do it now because I don’t want to do it over Christmas. I just want to stop this net of lies. The problem however is that both of them are extreme Catholics even visiting the pope and all that stuff. And I just don’t have a clue how they are going to react. They are also paying for my education and if they would stop it my entire life would be screwed up so I don’t want to shock them too much. I actually think I should start with my sister who has many gay friends and I think she should be cool with it, but still it is awkward where should I start I do not just want to go to her and say “Hey Jane, I am gay” it is really different situation than telling my friends. I think my mum should be ok with it to but my dad will freak out! I was actually about to tell my mum and sister in a café today, but then some old mates from school have showed up and I wasn’t confident to tell them while they were around! This is so frustrating, can it be so difficult to say “I am gay” to my family? Can anyone of you please give me any advice how you approached your parents and/or brothers and sisters. I am 21 and it is so about time for me to step out of the closet forever, and just live my life! Cheers!
Cityboy, You seem to be very clear in your own mind that you need and want to come out to your mum and dad now. Its worth taking that step seriously - I mean, being clear that coming out to mum and dad is what YOU need to do. Dont let the fact that you have fallen in love with the guy you are dating make the decision for you. Be you, first. Your parents and family second. You cannot react for your mum and dad. They will have whatever reaction they need to have. You cannot protect them from knowing you, their gay son. But you can take their feelings into account and let them feel and get used to those feelings. Give them space to have feelings that may be negative and may be positive all at the same time. In my experience, having a sibling on board to support your parents through the days after you come out is invaluable. My brother was a tower of strength that helped all my family readjust their love for their gay son. Does any of this help? Take care Malcolm
I can identify with certain aspects of your story, like really wanting to be truthful with family that you care about (and who care about you). My parents are not particularly religious, but I have several gay and lesbian friends whose parents are. It can be hard to predict how they will react. In one friend's case, her parents tend to ignore the topic because they are uncomfortable with it. However, they never distanced themselves from her (although she does live a good day's drive from them). Another friend had a very negative reaction from his parents. They actually tried to get Exodus to kidnap him. Fortunately, they will only try their ex-gay nonsense on people who voluntarily submit to it, at least once they're over 18. Eventually, he had to cut himself off from them by legal threats because they continued to harrass him. In the end, he dropped out of school, although it's not clear to me how much of a role his parents reaction and separation from him played in that. If you weren't financially dependent on them, I'd say 100% to just go for it. However, because of your situation you really need to weigh the potential that they'll cut you off (and therefore as you described it "screw up your life") against the benefits you'll get from being out to them. You should have a better idea than just about anybody else what the chances are that they'll cut you off. If you do decide to come out to them now, make sure you have some sort of backup plan for getting job or transfering to a different school or whatever you need to do if things go badly. You might also want to consider waiting until you are no longer dependent on them. Maybe that means waiting until you graduate or until you've managed to get a part-time job/loans/etc. to support yourself. I don't mean to sound all negative, but you should just be prepared for all the eventualities. For some people, losing the financial support of their family is an acceptable price to pay for honesty. That's a personal decision only you can make.
well said malcolm. cityboy i'm not sure of the views of being gay is on the catholic side, but my dad is very religous(sp?) and it was very difficult for him to understand. like malcolm and my mom and step dad said, it will take time for them to get adjusted to having a gay son. with the thing 'bout them paying your schooling, make sure if they do cut down or off the funds, you have a way to support yourself. not trying to say they will just better safe than sorry. (ok enough preaching) just be careful in the enviroment that you come out to the folks, it'll be hard. i myself just went through it last week. hope this helps.
the general consensus seems to be that if you depend on your parents support, and there's the likelyhood of loosing the support if you tell them, then wait. If you dont like the idea of waiting (which seems like your case), then I suggest telling your sister so that you do have someone to talk to. You could bring it up in a conversation simply by asking her about her boyfriend, or if she has a boyfriend, and when she asks about you, you can tell her that you in fact have a boyfriend. Then, when you are ready to tell your parents, having your sister's support would likely help your parents accept you quicker. Good luck, and hope this helped!
Hey cityboy, Glad to hear what we're saying is useful to you. Coming out to your parents when you still depend on them financially is a really hard thing to do. When I came out, I made sure that if I needed to, I could support myself--and my parents weren't really religious at all and I had no concrete reason to believe they would "cut me off" (not that they were supporting me much more than providing me a place to live). So you really need to weigh if coming out to your parents is worth the risk of your education. It may be... and hopefully it won't be an issue at all. But it's important to really think it through. I don't recommend delaying coming out until you're done with uni if you feel you have to but I don't not recommend it either. Testing your sister's reaction first sounds reasonable... she might have some insight into how to tell your parents or even whether. Not that you should just follow whatever she says but it's worth taking into consideration. Of course, maybe considering the possibility of a negative reaction from your parents will result in you ending up more independent... there's a lot to be said for that. I think situations like these really hit home why education should be free universally because really, once we're 18/19/20, why on Earth should we be beholden to our parents for anything? Yet there's no way any regular young adult can afford to pay for university on their own without going into massive debt--yet going to university is so touted as the ultimate achievement. It's just the dumbest system in the world... unless you're a bank, I guess.
hey, I am studying in UK also and was born and raised a catholic by extreme catholic parents I went back to Eire 3weeks ago and broke the news to my sister (just said "I have something really important to tell you that ive wanted to say for a long time but couldnt until now-im gay")..She took it well and said she and my other sister always knew but never wanted to say anything to me. so she may already know!!!! my mother was quiet shocked but they havent cut me off financially. being away from them gives them space to think about it and accept it. ( I lived in fear of telling them).. your education is just as important to them and they wont cut you off. I believed mine would at 1st. but I think whatever their beliefs, your hapiness and welfare will be a priority to them whether they choose to accept you or not. when I speak to my parents on the phone I can hear the tone of unease in their voice but our conversations are civil!! and I still receive money to live off. Im 25 so I have finally chosen to tell them now(but im in my final yr), at 21 u can always wait until you finish uni if u fear they will not support u financially. only u know ur parents. Finally, I simply couldnt tell my father I asked my mother to do it for me and its his money im living off!!! I think that even if they decide to distance themselves from you they will not deprive you of your education. This is my opinion based on my experience and hope this helps (sorry bout the late posting of this) good luck!! oisin
