Needing advice, needing to vent. My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We just moved in together last August. He is openly gay and out to everyone--parents, friends, random strangers. Me, not so much. Since our relationship began, I have managed to keep it hidden/secret from my family and most everyone else. I have had intuitive friends that I have come out to who would then reveal to me that I was telling them nothing that they already didn't know. Very supportive. As for my family (parents and brother), anytime my partner and I would go out, I would just tell them that I was going out with a friend--never revealed who or where. Same with talking on the phone. He would call and I would step outside where I could have privacy to talk. I have never had a girlfriend, dated girls/women, or shown an interest in the opposite sex. Keep in mind I am 25 years old. He and I moved in together last August. I told my parents that I needed a roommate, and he was looking to move away from home, and we were already friends and so everything would be a perfect fit. Since he and I were just starting out, money was tight, and I didn't exactly have a mattress. I initially told my parents that I was just sleeping on my bedroom floor (our apartment has two bedrooms) in a nest of sheets and blankets and a sleep bag. After a while they finally stopped asking if they could buy me a mattress. My family and I talk on the phone almost daily. And nearly daily, they ask me how my partner (me being under the belief that they think he is just my roommate) is doing, how work is going for him, etc. I get tense when they ask and try to keep the answers as simple as possible and as quick as possible. They sent us Christmas cards and other cards at holidays (we get separate cards though). My parents are politically liberal. They watch stuff like Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters--shows that have prominent gay characters. They have never asked me about the girl issue. They do like to talk with my younger brother about girls and girls that he may be interested in. One time after church, my mom thought she had seen a same-sex couple at church. She asked if I had seen them and I said yes. She then told me, "I don't have a problem with that, I just do not think public displays of affection are appropriate in church for anybody." So here's my problem.....my partner was at work. He was a on a break and called me. Well, he called my old cell phone number (which for some reason was still in his phone). My mom is in possession of my old cell number. He leaves a very revealing voicemail saying that he hopes I am having a good day and that he loves me and misses me. I get a call from my mom (who leaves a voice mail) right before I was about to go to class. I listened to it and called her back. She just asked if everything was okay. She said "Andrew" had called and left a voicemail. She wanted to make sure I was okay and there was no emergency or anything. I realized what had happened and what kind of message he left and I became sick. I hurried the conversation along, told mom I was fine, and had to get to class like now. SO.....do they know? what should I do? Should I call them and address what happened? Should I call and just pretend like nothing ever happened and never bring it up again? Please please please help, advice, anything. I just feel so blah right now. Thank you for reading and any advice.
Um, yes. I'm pretty sure she knows. Your parents sound awesome so I think it's time to have the coming out talk.
She very likely knows. Do you have a reason to believe she might be upset by this? It sounds to me that your family, or at least your mother, wouldn't have any problems with you coming out, so maybe you should consider just having the talk with your family. You could use this voicemail as a way to get into the topic and avoid it being totally awkward, which would be the case if you had to bring it up out of thin air. That way you wouldn't have to worry about using vague terms when going out with your partner or look over your shoulder to see if anyone's listening when you talk with him on the phone. I'm sure it would be a relief. Or is there a particular reason why you haven't still told your parents? I hope everything goes well!
She knows, and she's known for a long time, waaaaaay before the phonecall. She probably knew for sure when you didn't want them to buy you a mattress, and likely before that (Moms are often very intuitive.) She was desperately trying to tell you that she knew, and it was ok, in church, but you didn't pick up the cluephone My guess is that when you tell her it will be an "Oh Jesus, I've known for years" moment
Yeah she definitely knows. Moms seem to be good at that I'm totally convinced mine knew about me even before I did lol. It also really seems like she is trying to give you every chance (or hint) to have the talk whenever you are ready. Which is pretty awesome in my book.
Update..... First and foremost, a very big THANK YOU to all for your advice and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you could imagine. Now..... Called home. Spoke first with my dad. We had a standard conversation. How was work? How was school? The typical tell me about your day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Next up was talking with mom. Again, standard conversation. The typical tell me about your day. And towards the end of the conversation, she tells me, "I hope I didn't scare you earlier today." (Sidebar: you have no idea). She proceeds to tell me that she was just worried that there was an emergency or something was wrong with me because otherwise "Andrew" would not be calling her. I told her I was fine and had class today and have been busy. But I am fine. We never discussed the message or the content of the message. Whenever we hung up she told me, "Sleep well tonight. I hope you have a great day tomorrow. And I LOVE you (with lots of emphasis)." There was part of me that was glad that nothing much was said. There was the other part of me that wishes I had been brave and said, "I know you listened to the voicemail. I know that you know that I am gay." I wish I could have said that, but I chickened out. I mean, I'm like 25. @RaRa: It would have been the perfect time, had I only been brave enough. @Yannee: The only reason I could think she'd be upset was because when she found out my brother was smoking, she basically cried for like the whole weekend, stayed in bed in her room, and was like, "I just don't know my own children anymore." Majorly depressed. As for not coming out to them yet (and really other people), I guess I worry to much what other people will think, being seen as different, not normal, an outcast. I have a good relationship with my family and there is always that fear that they would stop loving me. Very likely it would not happen, but there is that fear of the unknown. Friends I have told have been supportive and were basically waiting for me to tell them (like 95% of people already knew). @Chip and litebrite: What is it about mom's and their intuition?? Maybe life would be easier if they just asked me, "Are you gay?" or "Son, we know you're gay and that's okay." Thank you all again. Maybe one day I will take that next step of bravery and actually say those words. It's tough. Feel free to continue offering comments and thoughts.
Sorry to be harsh elohim, but lets face the facts. Age is not an excuse. All of this fear you're talking about seems to be unfounded. Your mom probably already knows, and it seems she really loves you a lot. Such a love cannot simply be broken by one word. Everyone always recommends to come out to people when you are ready, and I generally agree. But in this case, you're in a same-sex relationship, and a 5-year one at that. How does your partner feel about this? Because I know many people would be bothered that after 5 whole years of being together, they're still only known as a "friend." How would you feel if you were openly gay - and your partner closeted - and he kept calling you a "friend" for 5 years or indefinitely? Would that bring you satisfaction or make you truly happy? To conclude, your parents would have to be pretty oblivious not to realize that you and Andrew are a couple (after everything you've said). Additionally, it is unfair (and borderline disrespectful) to your partner to keep referring to him as "just a friend." My .02
Think about it like this: your mom has emphasized how much she loves you, no matter what. She heard that voice mail. She knows about you and your "friend." She's not an idiot. I know my mom suspects I'm gay, and since I've only recently been coming to terms with it myself (I was in huge denial from 15-23), I'm not afraid of telling her when I get the next chance to. It's actually kind of funny really, as she once told me when I was 14 to wait until I'm sure, and then at 18 she told me she loves me no matter what I am. And the thing is, my mom probably found my porn stash (entirely gay, she threw it out, too ) when she cleaned my room once during high school (her cleaning my room was a Christmas gift to me). Your mom wants her kids to be happy. It seems like it hurts you to keep this in, and your mom has probably caught on. I think you should tell her soon, when you get enough time to do it. Don't worry. You'll do fine
Amongst all this, I get the impression you would quite like them to know, and If this boy has been your partner for 5 years, surely you would want to share that love with everyone in your life? why not call her up now and bring up the conversation again about the voicemail...because it just seems like a really good opportunity and you know that she knows. It is probably killing her the her "little boy" is being so secretive and hiding things from her. She is doing her level best to show you that she is accepting. She is clearly letting you do it in your own time rather than confront you! Time to man up and bite the bullet!
Hun, your partner left a message for you saying he loves you on your old cell phone and the first thing your mom asks you when she calls is "are you alright? Are you sick or something?" So yes, pretty safe to say they love you, don't care that you're gay, and already know. JUST TELL THEM.
The standard advice given to supportive parents that have good reason to suspect their child(ren) are gay before they come out includes never forcing the question lest it force you further into denial, the closet, or embarrass you. Granted the standard situation doesn't involve sons that live with good friends with only one bed. If you have trouble saying the words, indeed a lot of us do, you might opt to write them down in a letter or an e-mail. Given the extremely high probability that she already knows, you will not need to belabor the point. It can be a trying moment and you are not the first nor will be the last to back away from a good moment to come out. Best of luck to you.
I just wanted to say that your parents have probably known for a long time. I think you seriously need to consider telling them soon, for your sake, Andrew's sake, and your family's sake. Don't you want to be able to fully bring Andrew into your family? The two of you have been together for 5 years, wouldn't you like for him to be treated like your partner? Don't you think he deserves to be treated like your partner? Secondly, don't you want to have a better relationship with your parents? Your relationship with them sounds amazing already, and since they have apparently demonstrated that they are fine with gay couples, being open about this could only help strengthen the relationship you have with your parents. I'm not sure why exactly you are so scared of coming out. I mean I know coming out is never a sure thing when it comes to how people will react, but I would say in your case it is pretty obvious everyone knows and is happy for you. So I'd say it's time for you to be totally honest and tell your family the truth.
Sounds like you're good to go in telling your parents. As far as the impact that coming out will have on your life... you'll never know until you try. But you have some pretty good indicators that things will be OK. First of all, your partner IS out, and he's not suffering from that, is he? Secondly, your mom and dad have essentially said that it's totally OK to be gay. They aren't going to have an issue with this. I don't really see a down side. Because the fact of the matter is, you ARE gay. Tell them. And don't start worrying about how to tell them or when to tell them or worry that they'll be upset that you hadn't told them sooner. People aren't fussed about that. They'll just be happy that you're happy, and that you trust them enough to be honest with them. When I, at the age of 38, came out to my 92 year old grandmother, she simply stated that there was nothing wrong with that, and she was happy that I felt comfortable enough to live my life openly and honestly. And that was the extent of the conversation. She has met my boyfriend, and she treats me no differently than she ever has. GO FOR IT!!
I completely understand your fear of coming out. It took me 40 years to get over mine and finally do it. However, I have to tell you, there is no doubt that the horse has left the barn for you. Your mom knows. As much as you might hope that she doesn’t, she would have to be completely deaf, totally blind and in a coma not to know. The same bed? The voice mail? I am sorry to tell you, but you are grand marshal of the pride parade out with her. The rainbow neon sign has been lit, and it is shining bright over your head. You may try to convince yourself otherwise, but as you can see from the reactions on EC, it is clear. Now, for the good news. Most of us on EC felt exactly as you do at one point in time about other people knowing we were gay. But, once you come out, you realize it is no big deal. The fear was so much worse than the reality. Being out is a huge relief. All of the mental energy you are devoting to hiding who you are can now be devoted to other things. You don’t have to be afraid that someone might find out. I have had nothing but positive reactions across the board. The time has come to take a deep breath and say those three little words to your mom: “I am gay.”
