I came undone. If I ever write my memoir that's how the chapter of April 13 would begin. Thankfully, that is not how it will end. It's painful to write because I am ashamed. Embarrassed at the person that I had become over the past few weeks. But I also write this as a warning to anyone that may engage in recreational "substances" (and I don't mean booze) I hope you heed it. I've posted before about the issues that I have been facing over the past few weeks (not just a relationship but identity, living in the closet, isolation, etc). I was falling apart. To deal with the pain, I returned to bad things that I left YEARS ago. I would do anything to escape, even if temporary, the reality I was living. But in the end, reality always wins. Around 7PM I drove (I don't know how) myself to the ER. I knew what I had done, I had escaped reality. But I also knew what was happening...I had overdosed. With a heart rate of over 190, BP through the roof and a numb body the Dr. said I was on the verge of cardiac arrest. After pumping me full of whatever it is they do in that situation I was finally stable a while later. They kept me for observation. I was honest with the Dr. about what I had done and he was very blunt: If I had waited another five minutes they would be scheduling an autopsy. That's a phrase I will never forget. Any emotional struggles you have seem to evaporate. They say you must hit rock bottom before you begin to climb your way back up. Needless to say I hit bottom and then some...almost six feet under the bottom. Am I glad or proud this happened? No. Do I have a different outlook on my life at this point? That would be a hell yes. As odd as it sounds that entire episode has given me not the strength, but the ability to begin the long process of putting myself back together. If anyone out there, especially the younger people on this board, is thinking about doing hard drugs, to escape or if you think it would be "fun" don't be a fool. You may not be as lucky as I was.
In 2006 I buried a 19-year-old named Daniel who died of a heroin overdose. He had been clean for about 10 months and had 1 relapse. His mistake was taking an amount equal to what he was doing when he quit using rather than adjusting downward because of a reduced tolerance. He went to bed and never woke up. I am thankful you've made it to the other side of this. I don't pretend to have deep insight into everything you're going through but I hope you're not trying to deal with everything on your own. I don't pretend to have counseling credentials but would be happy to talk. Please use my wall or send a PM. In the meantime: (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) Deep peace,
you need a big hug fest. People deal with this stuff all the time and i cant believe it. I have never wanted to try it at all so here i cant tell you what to do or not to and i really dont have an opinion. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Thanks for sharing that. My friend who was a coke addict had a similar problem; her family finally found out and took her to the doctor and the doctor said her resting heart rate was so high her heart could stop any minute. I was in a similar situation, I was taking coke and amphetamines regularly. At one time I was at a place where I thought to myself, "I might die, and that's okay." It was at the point where I would snort upwards of seven Adderall XR's in one night. I'm beyond that point now thankfully but now I have arrhythmia from it; my heart spasms out randomly from time to time. So believe me when I say, I know how you feel. And I am glad you got over it; nothing is a bigger waste than someone who dies of drugs in my opinion.
Hey there - I'm glad to see you in the forum. I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but I'm glad that you've lived to tell about it. I'm a gay man who developed an addiction - partly to avoid dealing with my orientation. Of course, I ended up having to face both my orientation AND my addiction. The alternative would have been what you almost faced yourself - death. And I did it - and I'm not only surviving, I'm thriving. And I wish the same happiness and serenity on you. My inbox is always open. Use it, OK?
I'm glad you're okay now. And you shouldn't be ashamed. Be thankful you got through it and you learnt from your mistake. You're a different person now because of it, you're stronger and you're wiser . Nothing happens for no reason.
Sometimes we have to come dangerously close to the edge before we finally put it back together once and for all. Put this behind you and move on with your life, but don't ever forget what it almost did to you. You can use this experience to make you a stronger person.
Did the same thing with ecstasy... Just me though or do you get way more people od ing and self harming and shit in the gay community? I'm not saying its because we're gay but its like the whole closet thing I can't describe it but it makes you angry and you end up doing stupid stuff. Or could've just been me...
Seven Aderall, Phoenix?! For reference, one of those had me awake for 36 hours*. You need a cookie and some tea, bamaboy, plus a whole lotta (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*). *Prescription for ADD, only one I took. I really don't understand why they feel its acceptable to prescribe drugs like amphetamines not only to minors but to a section of the populace that has is at a high risk for addiction.
