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can't accept the idea of being gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gambit, Apr 16, 2010.

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  1. Gambit

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    Sorry for the long post. I don’t expect people to read it or reply, but I just needed to get this out of my chest. Posting this on EC is the closest I have to talking to someone, since I’m not out at all and I don’t think I’ll be in a long long time.

    I don’t think I’ll ever accept the fact that I’m gay. Simply I cannot accept myself that way. I really don’t want to be gay, and I can’t understand why I was made this way. Why I can’t be comfortable with the idea of been gay? It destroys my dearest and greatest goal in life, that is, to be a father (a biological father) and be able to take care of that kid. I can’t explain with words my desire to be a father, I just now I want to be one (I know that now gay couples can adopt kids in many countries, but adopting a child will not be the same). Unfortunately, my attraction towards girls has disappeared in the last two years. I noticed that in a crowd I mostly pay attention to guys. When my friends say “oh! That girl has is hot” I think “oh! Her boyfriend is hot”. And this kills me. How can I be a father if I don’t feel attraction for girls? I’ve been drilling my mind trying to come into an agreement with these two feelings I have. I don’t want to let my dream go away, I can’t. Sometimes I think that this attraction I feel for guys is a challenge that life, that it doesn’t want me to be a father, but I feel the obligation to overcome it. I still have hope of finding the “girl of my dreams” and blow away this gay thing, but how am I supposed to find her if I don’t dream about girls. I never been with a girl before, so how can I be sure I don’t like girls? All these are thoughts that haunt me all the time; when I’m in class, when I’m with my friends, or watching a movie, they are always there. I no longer feel comfortable around my friends or family; these thoughts basically overcome any other positive feelings and situations. I feel like I’m in the dark corner of a bright party room full of people, everyone is happy, but this incapability to accept myself is holding me away from that happiness and creating that darkness around me. I tell myself every day that I have to be patient, that eventually I’ll figure things out, that if I don’t find a girl I’ll probably find a guy and be happy. But this doesn’t work to well and brings my second greatest concern: fear of been alone for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that my indecision, this completely opposite idea of been a father and been gay, will never let be happy with either a girl or a guy. If I eventually meet a girl I won’t feel any attraction for her. If I meet a guy, I’ll never be happy with him because I’ll have to give up my dream of being a father. Therefore, loneliness is the only thing that waits for me. I’m also scared of all the hate that exists against gay people, and I don’t think I’ll able to withstand all that hate. This is another reason why I can’t accept the idea of being gay; I don’t want to be hated for loving someone of my same gender. If I ever get a boyfriend, I know my family will never accept him; I and he will never be welcome at home. I don’t want that to happen, it will kill me to know that I’m not welcome in my own home.

    thanks for reading
     
  2. Chip

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    You've made a number of important points, and you've obviously thought this through pretty well. However, a lot of the points you've made are not really accurate representations of how things really are, and perhaps having a greater understanding will help that.

    First, you mention the importance of being a father. You can certainly be a biological father; there are lots of gay parents who are biological parents of children, whether through surrogates, or through co-parenting arrangements with lesbian couples, or other private arrangements. Gay parents are common enough that a friend of mine facilitates a group called "Daddies and Paps to-Be" for a gay center in Toronto that helps gay couples prepare to raise kids. There's a great book called 'The Gay and Lesbian Parenting Handbook" that talks about a lot of the issues, as well as explaining different options to become a father.

    Secondly, you're going through the stages of loss that nearly every gay guy goes through on the road to self-acceptance. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They're all pretty self-explanatory except bargaining, which is sort of a bridge between denial and acceptance.

    It sounds like you're somewhere between anger ("Why can't I be straight, dammit?") and bargaining ("Well, maybe I'm gay, but I can't have a bf because my family will never accept him")

    The truth is, your parents will likely, in time, accept you and your eventual boyfriend, you can have a kid, you can find the same long-term happiness with a guy as you can with a girl, and as for the issue of acceptance... we've made gigantic strides just in the past 10 years, and acceptance is increasing each day, so the likelihood of having major problems with lack of acceptance decreases with each passing year.

    I hope that helps some. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sylver

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    I have so much I want to say about your dream of being a father and your fear of being alone for the rest of your life, and I was going to write you the Gettysburg address... but then I had a realization...

    Your last point is probably the most important because it speaks to all the rest. I want to let you in on a revelation I've got only in the past few days. I was very much where you were so I know exactly what you're going through. But I am now miles away from where you are because of EC, because of coming out to my parents, and because of a number of other things. But this whole experience is very fresh to me, and it's allowing me (temporarily at least) a unique place from which to observe; a place where I was recently so far on one side of the fence, but now I'm so far on the other side.

    I am starting to think that most of the hate against homosexuals that we perceive in fact comes from inside of us, not from the outside. A few months ago I was terrified of being gay. I was worried that I'd never find happiness, that I'd never find someone, and that I'd be committing myself to a life of hatred by others, a life of discrimination and of being a lesser member of society. Look at what happens to gays - gay bashings, WBC, we have to fight for our rights, Matthew Sheppard, increased depression and suicide because of it all...

    But after coming out and more importantly after really finding my identity as a gay person and figuring out for myself what it means for me and my life and my future, I am very happy right now. And I expect to be very happy for the rest of my life. And now, from here, I can objectively look at my coming out and how people are taking this.

    You know what I'm finding? I'm finding that most of the rest of the world could care less whether I'm gay or straight. Really. There's a few extremes - some people are way too thrilled that I'm gay and that they now have a "gay accessory" on their arm or someone to go shopping with (ain't gonna happen), and others will hate me for it and think I'm unnatural or a pervert. Often the ones on that extreme are dealing with some internal conflicts relating to their own homosexual sides. Many times these are defective people who are carrying hurts from other parts of their lives and play them out as hatred towards gays. They may have been brainwashed by society or by their religion or by their upbringing, and they are really nice people who have a warped perspective on some aspects of humanity through no fault of their own. In a way I feel sorry for them because they are missing out on so much of life.

    But the vast majority of the world simply doesn't care. It's like "Oh, you're gay, that's nice" and then they go on with their business. They are far more preoccupied with their lives and other stuff to care. Now it definitely matters more to the people that are actually close to you, but this is also very often a different scenario than the one we play out in our heads. When I was on your side of coming out I expected the worst - I was going to be a disappointment and failure, they would hate me, they would abandon me, etc. None of that happened in any case.

    Let me play "armchair psychologist" for a moment. What if my fear that they would abandon me was actually just my projecting my fear of abandonment onto them? What if my fear that they would be disappointed in me was actually a projection of my fear of disappointing myself? What if my fear that they would no longer love me was just a reflection of the fact that I don't love myself an an insecurity with being loved by others? What if my fear that they would hate me is a reflection of my own self-hate? In other words, what if it's me, not them?

    I'm reading a book (recommended by Chip no less) that says that "you are what you think". I get it. And if we think that being gay is a curse, then it will be a curse for us. If we think we can't be happy as a gay person, then we won't be happy as a gay person. If we think we're unloveable and we'll never find someone to love us, then we will be unloveable and we never will find someone to love us.

    And even worse, if we believe all of this and we start wearing it as our external clothes, then others will pick up on it. They will start to see us as we see ourselves. So if they see you being unhappy with being gay, then they'll think that being gay makes you unhappy. If they get the sense that you're unloveable from you, then they'll be hesitant to get into a relationship with you. And if they see that being gay is destroying you and robbing you of your life, then they'll think that being gay destroys you and robs you of your life.

    But the opposite is also true. If I come across as comfortable with being gay, then people pick up on it and they sense that it's not a big issue, so they don't make much of it. If they see that I can be a happy gay person, then they'll observe that gay people can be happy and this is what they will think. And if they see that I can keep the other aspects of my life happy and balanced, then they'll know that being gay is just another aspect of who I am, albeit an interesting one.

    I'm using all of this to tell you that you really, really, desparately need to come over to this side of the fence. You're trying to force yourself even deeper into the closet, and I'm telling you that you need to be even further out that you can imagine. You're caught in a negative spiral - you're letting your unhappiness with being gay drive you further into repression, which is making you even unhappier with being gay. And then you start to associate everything and the kitchen sink with it, until being gay is an all-consuming evil and the whole world is out to get you.

    Put aside your worries and dreams for now. Concentrate only on understanding what it means to be gay and what it doesn't mean. Untangle all the associations you have built up around it. And also let your emotions out. You sound like you need a good cry, a good loud scream where you can curse the world and blame God and whatever else you need to do to express your internal anger. Let it out and then let it go. At some point you'll be ready to start accepting the truth about being gay, and from that point on it only gets better. I am speaking from experience!

    And so ends the Gettysburg address, which I wrote after all... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. malachite

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    You didn’t think anyone would read, or respond? Silly old bear…that’s what this place is for.
    What you’re going through is normal, you are having to redefine yourself, and that isn’t easy; but just remember: you are the same person you have always been, just gay now as well.
    Now on being a father, who says you can’t be a father (even a biological one) if your gay, it’s a new millennium, there is artificial insemination just for starters.
    On the whole: “finding a the girl of your dreams and blowing away this gay thing,” issue. It just doesn’t seem realistic , something best left to movies and Daniel Steel novels.
    How can you be sure you’re not into girls? The same way straight guys know they are not into guys
    It seems like you’re only letting the negative views on gays into your life. Most of us felt that way at some point or another, but being gay had brought a lot of happiness into my life, sure are hardships with prejudice, fear, and just plain ignorance; however, if we didn’t have any bitter I guess the sweet would be so good.
    I hope that knowing you’re not alone in having these feelings is, at least, some comfort. I know that sometimes you feel like you just want to explode and take everyone with you then other times you get so scared you just want to lock yourself up and never come out of the house.
    You need to find that inner strength (everyone has it). I have felt a lot things about being gay, but one thing I swore I would never let someone make me feel was shame.

    Anywhooo that’s my advice take it for what it is…Good Luck out there!
    :thumbsup:
     
  5. Lexington

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    Everybody above hit on the main point, so let me just underline it for you.

    Being gay and being a father - even a biological father - are not mutually exclusive propositions.

    Stop obsessing. If you can't, you may be more than just "in a quandry" - you may be slipping into depression, in which case a trip to the doctor might be a good idea. But for the moment, for the love of Mike, relax. Being gay is not an obstacle or a curse. As many of us on this side have found, it's a blessing. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. British Lad

    British Lad Guest

    Me i too what to be a father but i am gay and for me girls, day by day (at an unnoticeable rate) are becaming less attractive. I will find away to have kids one way or another. i am at a stage were accepting i am gay is turbuent and everthime i try and aster my identate something knock everything back out of place(it will proberly take years for this to set, so i call my self gay). time will sort everthing out evencaly.
     
  7. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    Since you already have good advice, I just wanted to say that my partner and I plan on having children. Perhaps biological (surrogacy) or perhaps adoption. There are plenty of wonderful children out their who need adoption, and the idea of adopting some of them just makes me so happy.

    I just wanted to share that with you so that you would know that being gay and being a father is definitely possible.

    http://www.adoptionhelp.org/adoptiv...status=marital_status+%3D+%27G%2FL+Couples%27
     
  8. Zumbro

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    It seems the child issue is covered, so I'll move on to the "girl to sweep you off your feet"

    I posted this for someone else too. It was said by a friend of a friend, when he was trying to figure himself out.

    You say you are continually finding girls less attractive, so do you really think you could love one with all your heart, honestly? Love is a two-way street.

    This made me chuckle a bit, sorry. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: It's a phrase that straight people ask us so often, but really, you just know. Chances are your dad has never been with a guy, and he wouldn't question that he isn't gay.
     
  9. Gambit

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    Thanks for all your advice and support. It does make a difference to share this with other people instead of keeping it for myself. I first started writing it for myself, I wanted to see why I was so scared, frustrated and angry. What I ended up writing is longer than what I posted here, but part of it is in Spanish, so I guess posting that will make it harder to read haha.

    Lex, you are right, I need to relax and take it easy. I hope I'll be able to do it. When I first came out to myself I felt relief and eager to discover myself. Unfortunately, that lasted only a few weeks, then I started thinking all the things I described above and fell into this never ending loop: I dont want to be gay --->change it---> I can't---> then try to be happy with it --->but I dont want to be gay. I hope I get back the positiveness I had during those first weeks and stop overthinking this stuff. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who overthink things.

    Thanks for the info about being able to be a father even if your gay. I have never read or heard about it. I guess I should start doing some research about it; ignorance is always bad. I hope I feel better after reading what options are out there.

    Thanks again for all the support
     
  10. jonny333

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    The main problem I found with being gay is that if you don't accept it you will end up spending your life being a chameleon slotting yourself into what you perceive to be a stereotype straight male or female because deep down you dont respect the thought of yourself being gay maybe because of moral issues like thinking it is wrong or wanting to be married and have children (am not saying that you are gay but just in case you are) or a lack of understanding what it means to be gay. Now At the age of 19 Im starting to feel like i'm not living life to the full and slowly realising that wanting to have a family etc with a wife is a fantasy and in the end is wasting my time because I am gay. If you have moral problems like I do try to properly understand them if you need help see a counsellor or join a gay group or summit. In the end If thinking about guys or women truly makes you happy then carry on down that path good luck :slight_smile:
     
  11. alwayshope11

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    Sylver.. what is that book called that you mentioned?
     
  12. kyle 1

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    I'm still going through this stage, but I'm mostly past it. I haven't been in any relationship yet. I don't know any gay people (except 1 suspected friend of mine..) so a large part of the depressing thoughts is the loneliness.

    Heck, I don't even fully know what my orientation is. One day I say I'm gay, then I'll see a girl and think "she's pretty cute" but then I wonder, are those thoughts manufactured? Are they really what I feel, or is it because of my desire to be "normal"?

    This sticky really helps...
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/684-am-i-gay.html


    And trust me, you're not alone on this. Acceptance of yourself is the hardest part, but you need to remember that just because you're gay, doesn't make you part of the stereotype. It doesn't make you the feminine, rainbow-loving, flaming person that most people think about when they think of gay people. I have nothing against people like that but from what I've seen online, most gay people are like any other hetero person and you wouldn't know they were gay unless they told you.

    This video may or may not apply to you, but knowing you're not alone is a great
    It Gets Better: Google Employees - YouTube

    Remember: You are an individual.
     
    #12 kyle 1, Apr 14, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2012
  13. intp150

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    Hey guys - and especially the OP: let me just say I think it's great you're dealing with this stuff at your current stage. When I was your age, I wasn't remotely open to the possibility that I might be more into guys. What I can say is that attitudes change over time--and that includes your own toward yourself.

    Parental attitudes can change, as well. My Mom surprised me when I recently intimated that I was probably more interested in guys. She told me that while that wasn't her first choice for me (is it anyone's?), she simply wanted me to be happy, and she was behind me 100% in whatever direction I went. She also assured me that family occasions would not be a problem--that if I had a guy friend, we'd both be entirely welcome, as long as I felt comfortable with that.

    My hunch is that the people who matter, even if they might not necessarily like something, get better over time at focusing on the things that are important.
     
  14. lighttrc

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    well everyone else sums it up for me...but just wanted to say follow your heart and dont let no one get in your way.. we are created beautiful and no one was a mistake. be you my friend
     
  15. Ianthe

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    Self-acceptance is truly the most difficult thing for most of us, and also the most important.

    One of the most effective things you can do, in terms of helping you accept your sexuality, is to really get to know other gay people. By knowing them, you realize that it's okay, even wonderful, to be like them and a part of their community. Do you have any way of doing that? Do you know anyone who's gay, who you could possibly get to be friends with? Is there a club or anything you could join?

    For now, sticking around here will help. But it's best if you can find people to connect to in real life.

    Is there anyone at all in your life that you've at least considered telling? Your profile says you're out to one "ex-friend." What happened with that?
     
  16. dano22

    dano22 Guest

    I have been through this problem when I was younger and it took me awhile to come to terms with it. Now i feel comfortable with spending my life with a man and it does not bother me anymore. I am sorry your family has those views and it might only take coming out to them to change those views. You can be surprised on how quickly people can change their perspectives. I am not saying that will ever happen but before you do come out you need to fully accept yourself as gay. That may take time and there is no rush in coming out because it is not always a easy process. Gosh I had a easy family but I don't really have on either. The fear that they won't accept me is there but I know i have face it. You need to find the support of others to get you through it i know you have not really accepted yourself but try finding a center of support in your community. I did without my parents finding out and as secretive as I was it worked out well for me.
     
  17. ThatCoopKid

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    I went through that for years until just last night/this morning. I took a two hour walk around town late last night to clear my head, and it was only then that I came to terms with the fact that I was actually gay. That, and when my roommates and one of their friends was talking about what kind of girl they liked, I realized that I really didn't want a girl. It took a few times for me to say it to accept it, and I'm not even quite sure that I fully do yet, but I know for a fact that it's true. If you're having trouble coming to terms or figuring out what you are, find a support group in your area. They'll help you to figure things out.
     
  18. BlueBoy

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    Hey Sylver,

    I'm Nils, A 21 year old man from the Netherlands.

    I just wanted you to know your post helped me out a great deal trough accepting myself.

    Thank you from the bottem of my (much more open, even just after 2 days of jumping the fence) heart. You did something special for me.

    I wish you lotsa love & happiness in your life man!

    Sincerely,

    Nils
     
  19. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I'm going through similar problems, again. Thought I had them resolved, but it is a vicious cycle. Meeting other GAY, and I emphasize GAY, people will help you let go of some of the heteronormativity being thrown at you everyday. When I met other masculine, down to earth GAY people, it helped me get rid of that pipe dream of a wife and kids and be happy with my sexuality, no matter how limited it is. But then that feeling faded and I'm back to square one. I haven't talked to another GAY dude in at least 6 months or more. I've noticed people are generally okay with their same sex attraction if it doesn't totally replace their opposite sex attraction. Once you hit the extreme end of the spectrum, that's when the depression increases because you know living the "normal" life would be difficult and not very fulfilling. You begin to worry that you will be forced out of the closet and fear you won't find a suitable partner due to a much narrower dating pool. This really didn't dawn on me until I hit 21, after experiencing pretty much exclusive same sex attraction since ages 13-14.
     
  20. guest1234

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    Did you ever liked women? Can you make eye contact while talking to men? Why is it that you feel uncomfortable around your friends and family? I ask because I kinda feel uncomfortable aswell
     
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