Trying to come out but with no courage

Hi, I'm John, 20 years old, live in California near the San Jose area... I've known SOMETHING was up since I was 12 or so, a guy friend popped his shirt off while we were playing basketball and I was mesmerized :eek: (I still have a crush on him now :eusa_doh: ) I assumed it was a phase like everyone else but as of the past year or 1.5 years I have just accepted that I was gay. Personally, I'm fine with it...I like guys -- I dont see that as an issue. So yes, I accept myself and that is a non-issue.

The issue I do have though is with everyone ELSE. I have 3 very good friends since elementary school that I have wanted to tell.

Friend A - currently out of country, has always been accepting of gays.
Friend B - out of state, in college, taking summer classes and have no idea when Ill see him in person next. Best friend but hard to take serious at times -- we never talk of personal issues really & he is kind of shy at times. May laugh if I tell him in person -- hard to build up courage.
Friend C - same as B but in-state so could possibly make a trip up here between quarters -- however I doubt it. Very down to earth and friendly towards people. However -- he makes gay jokes / says "fag" "that's so gay" etc. a lot / calls me gay / gay jokes kind of often...in a joking way but I still question him. That and he said gays shouldnt be allowed to marry and such. But again he is still like really chill and I think he'll learn to readjust.

I told Friend A by email a month ago or so since he has no phone where he is and I got overly confident for a second and sent him the email. He was very acceptive and walked about it for a bit and I told him I planned on telling B & C shortly...well it's been over a month now and I haven't. I live at home going a community college and they're off to state colleges...so I never see them and that leads me to my next question:

Is it okay to call someone to come out? Or is that a bad idea?

I obviously could wait until I see them but I don't know when that will be and I REALLY hate being in the closet, I'm depressed constantly, I'm very depressed. I have no real friends at my school because most are recent asian immigrants that dont really speak English and the others are people like me who just go to work, school and go home. I don't like my job either because I hate listening to customer's bitch at me. THe people I work with are decent but I can't stand it at times. My parents, mainly my dad, make gay jokes at times and overall they dont seem accepting, neither does my brother or sister. Overall it just sucks in my opinion so I guess that's why I'm depressed. I hope that coming out and being happy with myself will help cure this. I'm also transfering to San Francisco State next Fall so what else could I ask for? That's probably the most gay-friendly city in the world. I think I'll be very happy there.

So basically my questions are:
- Is it okay to call someone to come out? Or is that a bad idea?
- How can I tell my parents? We never talk about personal issues and I lack the courage to bring it up. I have contemplated writing a letter and leaving it for them one morning or something and then leaving...but I don't know if that's a good idea either...?
- Are there places that I could talk to in person to try to help me like some kind of LGBT center or something? I have no gay friends so I feel like I have very few people to turn to, hence why I'm posting here.

If you've read all of this, thank you...I will return the favor to some guy some day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I need lots of help. :-\

 

I forgot to mention my parents really. They ask me if I like any of my brother's gf's friends or my friend's sister's friends all the time...and I just say short answers like "No, not really" or say I don't like their personality or something but I feel like they bring up the same propositions ALL THE TIME...I dont know if they're just dumb and keep bringing it up or if they're trying to force me into coming out or what...
Then tonight my mom said "Person A is out of the closet" pretty randomly -- and I was like "umm no they're dating a guy" (Person A is a girl)...then I asked who told her that and she was like "Umm I forget" and I was like "You forget who told you someone we know is gay?" and then she was like "I guess I made it up"...and I was like "What the....ok well dont make things up, thats called spreading a rumor". It was just very odd. My parents are not very talkative about personal issues with me and I think they feel disconnected with me because of this, especially my dad. My dad worked a lot as I grew up and I don't like him really. He's fine but I don't enjoy hanging out with him, I guess it just doesn't click and he knows that as well.

So yeah, there is some more info to go off. :\ FML I have work tomorrow...I hate that shit.

 

Friend B and I never call/email, we usually chat on IM though still...so it'd be weird if I just called him up randomly probably.

Friend C though, we talk on the phone probably on average 1-2 times a week. He'll call me just to see whats up, discuss stocks/new product ideas, plan for the summer or whatever...so maybe next time I could try to drop it in. We'll see...I'd have to be not at home when he calls then.

 

Any thoughts on this? I WANT to call Friend C already but I just can't do it. This sucks...bleh.

 

Were you not living at home when you called them?

As for the other comments -- It might be weird to email Friend B since we talk on IM every day usually...oh well maybe I'll just do it. He's my best friend since kindergarten as well. I assume once I tell them they'll have lots of things "click" in their head...like explains all the times I denied girls. :lol:

 

I took your suggestion, olides84, I emailed him last night asking him when he's available (classes, etc.) to chat today because I had to call him up to ask him something. He hasn't replied yet but hopefully he does while I'm in class so then I can MAYBE call him...if I come out today I'm going to feel great but I'm not sure if I can do it...hopefully.

 

Holy fuck. I did not expect this day to come -- EVER. If anyone else is reading this -- YOU CAN DO IT. I had zero courage, motivation, etc. ANYTHING. I thought I was just going to put it off indefinitely. Today I changed that. When I woke up today I had it planned but I had stuff like this planned since Thanksgiving 2009, and I never followed through. I have been depressed the past year and I now feel it slowly lifting. I told my friend tonight, I called him and said it and he was quiet for a second and then was like....really? I explained it and he was 100% supportive. He was just like "I dunno what to say - but congrats?!?!" He was just like so supportive sounding and didn't care at all that I was gay -- I on the other hand was still choked up and spat out a few more words. He was out at dinner though and had just stepped outside so he called me back now and said we'd talk more tomorrow but wanted to just say hey and was glad I told him - validated our friendship that I can trust him with such a big thing, etc.

If someone who I thought was going to be a homophobe and such ended up being 110% supportive, I don't know who will really reject me. Thank you to EC and everyone on here and all of my other gay friends who have helped me through this. I know its just one person but it was my first time verbally telling someone, the other was an email and thats much easier to do.