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Coming out in a Fraternity

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by simplyme2009, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. simplyme2009

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    Hey Yall,

    This is my first post. But I came here because I am in a fraternity here at my university and I have a brother who i pledged with who is gay and just realized it and wants to come out but doesnt know how to do so in our fraternity. Has anyone had experience with this? I want to help him, but I have limited advice I can give. So please help.

    Ohh and it truely is a brother and not me, I mean I am bi but I dont really have a disire to come out at the moment, so Im trying to help him, since he wants to come out soon.

    Thanks in Advance :icon_wink
     
  2. RedState

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    I had a Brother come out at a formal fraternity meeting onetime. I admired his courage, because I knew i was gay and kept my mouth shut.
    We excommunicated him.
    Granted, this was at the University of Alabama. Your campus may be more forgiving.
     
  3. Revan

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    Erm, bama, I'm not sure this really helps simplyme...

    You know this is why I HATE fraternities. They all have to seem to be like manly men, and yet even if a manly man comes out as gay, he's excommunicated. I dunno if that's how your friend was bama, I'm just saying I bet even if you're straight-acting as they come, they'd still probably excom you. Hypocrites...whoever lives in a house with that many boys is probably half gay anyway :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. Chip

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    What are the policies for the national organizations that run the frats? Is that legal? I realize the being gay isn't a protected class, but I'd be surprised if the national organization for whatever frat it was would approve of a school chapter behaving in that way.
     
  5. malachite

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    best thing you can do it be there for him and back him up when comes out.
     
  6. RedState

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    It wasn't a formal process obviously and they're no policies in place. It's just that no one had anything to do with him any more. He was isolated by everyone...not just in my fraternity but by the entire Alabama Greek system. He soon after withdrew from the fraternity. That is not right by any means. That's just how it was. I still remained friends with him. Fraternities are filled with homophobes, but I would venture to say that every fraternity in the country has atleast 3-4 closeted gays.
     
  7. joeyconnick

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  8. zzzero

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    I dunno how active he is on here anymore, but try sending a message to Ander Blue, he came out to his frat a few months ago, so he'd probably have the best info for you.
     
  9. ArcusPravus

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  10. blue lagoon

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    Over the past month or so, I've been coming out to people in my fraternity. So far, the experience has been great and the people I cone out to don't really seem to care a whole lot. Most are surprised, though (I guess I don't give any obvious signs, oh well). We also have two other brothers (both recently joined and graduated) who were out before they pledged, and it's never a big deal. My only thing now is that I'm finding that I'm starting to not like telling people individually. I'll probably just send out a mass email to the house instead. It'll save a lot of time.

    Anyways, if your house and greek system is cool with it, then there should be no problems for your friend. Besides, now you have someone on your side who can help you come out as well, should you ever decide to.
     
  11. RedState

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    I guess it all depends where you are. I went to Alabama, very traditional old south...and I belonged to a large traditional old south fraternity. It's just different here...which is why I am moving.
     
  12. Zumbro

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    <rant>
    Don't worry, this is why fraternities don't like you either. I'm offended by this. I'm out in my fraternity, I have a boyfriend I bring over, and they all talk to him and it's all great. I've never had any feelings of hatred or isolation. They are more welcoming than my real family, who I don't feel safe telling I have a boyfriend to. I would call you a hypocrite as well, stereotyping people just because you think they are homophobic. Most fraternities are not like those in movies, or on the news, just like most gays aren't skinny excitable guys who love rainbows and lady gaga.
    </rant>

    Simplyme, the fact is, you're brothers. The ritual bonds you together, and so long as there is real meaning in it to your chapter, someone's sexuality really won't matter. He already has one person behind him for sure, and in my experience they really just want you happy. Maybe if noone has ever come out there before it will take a bit of getting used to, but they'll get over it. If not, your fraternity has some real issues to work out.
     
  13. joeyconnick

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    Well not that I usually take this tact but uh... maybe not all gays are skinny excitable rainbow- and Gaga-loving guys but fact is, there are a bunch of those.

    What I'm getting at is your situation sounds like the exception to me, not the rule.

    Really? So you think fraternity ritual is stronger than, say, a mother's or father's love for their child? Because I've seen countless stories about gay kids getting rejected by their supposedly-loving parents and I would really challenge you to sit there and tell us that, in general at least, fraternity bonds are stronger than parent/child ones. I think you are WAAAAAAY overestimating the bonds of brotherhood and, more importantly, WAAAAAY underestimating just how virulent, widespread, and deep-rooted homophobia is, especially among straight men to whom masculinity is an important attribute.

    I'm not saying there aren't and can't be really awesome, accepting frats (I mean, obviously you have one) but nothing I know about human behaviour and the history of homosexuality in North America would lead me to believe those would be the rule and not the exception.
     
  14. Nawy56

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    simplyme2009: I would not say there is one best way to come out to a fraternity. It really depends on the comfort level of your friend, and what your fraternity is like.
    In my experience, I was able to come out during a "Straight Talks" (a panel discussion on LGBTA issues basically) that my fraternity hosted during our New Member education process. Chances are, you don't have anything like this (My fraternity is one of 2 our of 50 that does this at my school), but this was the perfect place for me to come out. Had I not had this opportunity, I think I would have come out during a chapter meeting setting. Personally, I hate the idea of people I care about finding out from someone other than me because 1. I feel like they deserve to hear it from me, and more importantly 2, if they hear it from me, they hear it first in a positive light. If it spreads throughout the fraternity as more know, brothers may hear it in a negative light and view it as a bad thing. In a formal setting, everyone hears it in a positive manner. (wether or not they view it as a positive thing, from you, it is as positive as possible.)

    But really, it is up to your friend based on how strong your bonds of brotherhood are and how diverse and accepting your fraternity is. In my experience, my fraternity is very close (amazingly close I am realizing, it is truly incredible) and we are diverse and accepting. I knew this and that is why I joined. I currently am the only out gay brother at the moment but we have had two gay brothers in the past 8 years. We have brothers of multiple races, religions (Christian, Muslim, and Jewish!), majors and economic status. So I felt safe. If you think it is possible there would be any sort of upsrising or outrage during a chapter meeting, that is probably the worst time to do it, but otherwise having most brothers find out at the same time gets it done quickly and they hear it in a positive light. And most likely they will be highly impressed by his corageousness because everyone knows how terrifying telling someone is, let alone 50 at once.

    And concerning fraternities in general, I do think my experience is probably more the exception rather than the rule ( people were simply impressed and excited for me. did not expect that). But I do not think most fraternities here would treat a brother cruelly after he comes out. Greek life is changing into a more positive aspect of college and is moving away from the 'Animal House' stereotype, but slowly. I am lucky and found an amazing brotherhood, but I do have faith in most organizations to at least be tolerant if not completely accepting.

    So best of luck to your friend, and I highly suggest he does come out to the brotherhood if he is ready. 1: it could strengthen the bonds of brotherhood, 2: he will be more comfortable sooner, and 3. If they absolutely do not accept him, why would he want to be a part of that 'brotherhood'. I think he would be better off without them.
    However, He can only do it when he is completely ready and has prepared himself for the best and the worst. Going in and telling a large number of people on a whim is rarely a good idea in my opinion!

    Sorry for the long post!!
     
  15. simplyme2009

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    Hey Thanks to all of you and your advice.
    I would like to point out that I realized that i misspelled "desire" lol
    Also, if some of you wouldnt mind I would like to know what fraternities you are in?
    My greek life here is much more progressive then in Alabama LOL we have several gay people in our community just not in my chapter, not because we dont let them in, we just dont have any that are out, although I am conviced that there are some gay ppl in my chapter, cuz my gaydar goes off but idk. lol

    Im sure your advice will help me help him.


    Thanks Again!
     
  16. simplyme2009

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    I do believe in most cases the bond we fraternity men hold with each other is stronger than those of flacky family situtations. Although, I dont think you will ever meet a chapter that wants to replace a man family, but we do fell it is our duty as brothers to be a family, the second family if you will.
     
  17. RedState

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    Dude, it all depends on the person. Screw the circumstances. Everyone must do this on their own terms. Alabama is different...as are most colleges in the deep south. If this dude feels it's right and he needs to do it, than he should.
    When my Brother Luke came out there was a collective gasp. A jock, great looking guy, no one you suspect being gay. Always had a different woman. But it spread like wildfire throughout the campus.
    He was shut out....not just by the frat but by the entire Greek system. I still was friends wit him and still friends with him today. He's living in Atlanta with his partner happy as a clam.
    If it feels right, then tell your friend to go for it...because in the end, it is only his happiness that really matters.
     
  18. Revan

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    Oooo clever, just what I'd expect from a frat boy, a lame answer and a bad comeback. Seriously dude? You really think that sounded good? Let me state the facts for you, I have friends who have gone for frats and they've been rejected or excommunicated for being gay. Just because your frat is all liberal and shit does not mean that every frat is. Many do excommunicate because someone is gay. And God the stereotyping comment, wow, I really don't understand where you came from that. I'm not skinny, I'm ok with rainbows, and I have a complicated relationship with GaGa. So seriously dude, get a brain and maybe some better repertoire.
     
  19. Revan

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    Exactly. Plus aren't fraternities quite expensive? I mean he could save a lot of cash for school if something does happen and is excommed. (Again, I could be wrong, just some friends of mine said it is rather expensive to be in a frat.)
     
  20. blue lagoon

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    Here, I think you'll like this video.

    [YOUTUBE]crZL4fNOpII[/YOUTUBE]