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God dammit I need help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gutterslut, Apr 17, 2010.

  1. Gutterslut

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    Okay before I go into anything I just want to say that I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG so I don't want any posts just informing me of what a naughty boy I am.

    I fucked up really bad, I have been hanging out with this guy who happens to be the boyfriend of one of my good buddies. My buddy completely trusted me and believed me when I told him I just needed someone to hang out with and I wasn't trying to move in on his guy. Well I was telling the truth up until last night.

    I was a little high and I ended up grabbing my buddies' boyfriend's crotch, and I ain't talking about an "Oops my hand slipped" kind of grab. I groped him. So he got really pissed off for a little bit and told me I couldn't do stuff like that so I was like "Okay my bad." Later on that night we were alone on my porch and I more or less forced him into a kiss. This time he didn't stop me. Then we fucked. I fucked my best friends' boyfriend.

    I thought it was just going to be our dirty little secret, I was wrong. The next morning when my buddy had asked his boy why he wasn't at home the night before, he got all fucking sobby and emotional and ADMITTED TO EVERYTHING. He calls me up saying "I'm so sorry I couldn't lie to him I love him yadda blah etc." All I could think was "Are you fucking kidding me?" So then my buddy calls me up and gets all fucking bitchy with me yelling at me and shit, I apologized like ten times and explained to him I was a little high and that clouded my judgment but he wouldn't hear it. Then he fucking tells everyone else we fucking know what I did and everyone is calling me up with "How could you do that you're unbelievable that is disgusting you're a bad person blah blah blah." Um, hey guys? It takes two to fucking tango. Yeah I participated and that was wrong but seriously, I kissed him and then HE went down on me, he took it to the next level and didn't bother trying to stop it.

    So what the fuck do I do? How do I explain to everyone that this really isn't all my fault? How do I get them to stop seeing that little prick as the innocent one that got taken advantage of? This is such fucking bullshit I swear to God.
     
  2. Admit your mistakes and move on.
     
  3. malachite

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    HE may have been the one to god town first, but YOU were the one that set the course by groping and kissing.
    So, my advice is stop trying to spread the blame and only deal with what you can, what you did. You need to let your friend get over the first wave shock of the situation then you try and rebuild trust, which isn't going to happen over night.

    You say know you did something wrong, and while no 100% of this isn't on you a great deal of it still is. Trying to convince everyone otherwise is only going to make you seem more untrustworthy.

    Again give it time then try to rebuild, thats about all you can do.
     
  4. Gutterslut

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    It's kind of hard for me to move on when nearly everyone I know keeps reminding me of what a terrible person I am for doing this while they comfort the other guilty party and tell him it isn't his fault.
     
  5. IsItSo

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    But it is your fault. Admittedly it's your friend's boyfriend's fault as well, but trying to push blame on somebody else won't help you. Yes, I know it's frustrating and unfair, but in order to get on good terms with your friends again, you need to make it clear that you are totally sorry and admit that it is your fault. It could very likely take time, but most of your friends will probably forgive you eventually. I realize that hearing this is completely frustrating and irritating, but if you value your relationships with these friends, you need to accept their charges. The friends who don't forgive you in the long run aren't worth your time and effort anyway.
     
  6. Austin

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    Well you did "put the moves on" him... and at least he was HONEST about it to his boyfriend, and regrets it, while you were going to lie and keep it a secret. At least he admitted his mistake, while you were trying to hide it from everyone. That's why your "karma" is so much worse than his. Also if he was high too then you kinda did take advantage of him.

    Anyways, I was trying not to tell you how wrong you are, but it's relevant when you ask how to explain that it isn't really your fault, which it really is...

    People will get over it eventually, though, and you can start being honest and worthy of their trust again.
     
  7. L|L

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    Normally I'm one to place blame on the one who cheated.

    However, this was your friend's boyfriend. Not kosher. You will be lucky if you earn his trust back.

    In the grand scheme of things, what's done is done. Apologise for what you did, learn from this, and move along.
     
  8. zzzero

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    Like you said before, it takes two to tango. That doesnt move the blame onto him. You were just as much involved as he was. Being high or drunk or inebriated in any kind of way does not get you off scott free. The person who helps someone cheat is just as much to blame as the cheater is.

    You put the moves on him first. And it sounds like you were VERY forward about it. Atleast the guy you did this with was smart enough to tell his boyfriend before it got out of hand.

    If you're gonna go around doing shit like that, then maybe you dont deserve the understanding friends you seem to have.

    Sorry, I have 0 tolerance for people who cheat OR for people who allow cheating to happen. You are both at fault here.


    Also, I think it's clear that all you wanted to do with this guy was fuck him. THAT is low. You dont go putting moves on committed men and expect them to NOT feel bad for cheating. If you actually give a shit about someone, dont go calling them names to strangers on the internet, deal with this problem yourself if that's how you're going to act.
     
    #8 zzzero, Apr 17, 2010
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  9. Jim1454

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    It's not hard at all.

    You agree with them. You admit that it was a horrible thing to do, and that being high isn't an excuse. You commit to your friends that you're not going to do drugs any more because they obviously impair your judgement severely, and you ask them to forgive you.

    It really doesn't matter how they're treating the other guy.
     
  10. Lexington

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    >>>Okay before I go into anything I just want to say that I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG...

    No, you don't.

    You spent the entire post justifying your own behavior - "I ended up grabbing his crotch", "I thought it was just gonna be our dirty little secret", "I was a little high and it clouded my judgment". I don't get any sense at all that you're sorry you fucked your best friend's boyfriend. The only sense of regret I get from your post is that the boyfriend blabbed about it to your friend...which I think shows he DID have a lot of regret for it. He's showing remorse for what happened, and attempting to make things better by coming clean. You just look like you're pissed that he wouldn't cheat on the side and keep it a secret.

    >>>It's kind of hard for me to move on when nearly everyone I know keeps reminding me of what a terrible person I am...

    Maybe to you, "move on" means letting everybody know that you've (immediately) forgiven yourself for what you did, and as soon as everybody gets over fawning over the squealer, you're set to pretend that nothing happened. But that's not what I take it to mean. You've fucked up these relationships - with your friend, his boyfriend, and possibly a lot of mutual friends as well. Possibly irrevocably. Do you want to salvage them?

    If so, start by focusing on being sorry for your part in the affair - which was huge. Not just "Hey, sorry, shit happens", but genuinely sorry. As in figuring out where you went wrong. As in deciding that if that's how you act when you're "a little stoned", maybe you shouldn't get stoned anymore. As in deciding that OPP is off-limits, especially when it comes to friends. And start thinking about how you can start picking up the pieces and rebuilding the trust, brick by brick.

    Or, as seems likely, you might decide your pride is more important. In which case, start finding some new friends.

    Lex
     
  11. Chip

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    This is going to sound harsh, but it's intended only to make you think, not to rip on you.

    Lex hit the nail on the head. You're trying to avoid responsibility for what happened. And you also have no integrity about the situation.

    Your friend, at least, had the integrity to tell his boyfriend what happened. You, on the other hand, were hoping no one would find out, and if that had happened, you apparently would have thought nothing of it, told no one, and moved on. That's a really serious problem if you expect to be in a relationship with anyone and expect them to be honest with you, because you apparently feel no need to be honest in return.

    You may have apologized, but you don't sound sorry for what happened. You sound sorry that you got caught, and there's a big difference. Blaming it on being "a little high" is, quite frankly, bullshit. That's an excuse people use when they want to avoid responsibility for their actions. You knew what was going on, because you were able to remember and describe it. And, for that matter, you are the one who chose to get high in the first place. So any way you look at it, you are responsible. Had you not initiated it, the event wouldn't have happened. And in fact, the other person did rebuff you the first time, but even that wasn't enough of a message, so you went back again. So yes, he takes a tiny bit of responsibility for not resisting you more strongly, but most of the responsibility falls on you. Sorry.

    The pieces that might be most helpful for you to understand is that you took the steps that got you where you were. You chose to be high. You chose to kiss him the first time. You chose to grope his crotch the second time. While it may be awfully convenient to blame him for "going along with it" accepting responsibility for being the one to initiate things is what your friend wants to hear. And you may also have to accept the fact that your selfishness might cost you the friendship. If it does, it is not the other person's fault, it is not your friend's fault, it is yours. Plain and simple.

    Lex has given you some great advice on how to go about repairing the damage that you've caused. I would encourage you to do that, and I'd also suggest that you really spend some time thinking, seriously, about your avoidance of responsibility. This is something you can fix if you want to, and something that's going to be important in the future if you expect to have friends with integrity, who value honesty and loyalty.

    I'm sorry that this post is so harsh, but this is a tough lesson to learn, and yet it's crucial to forming healthy friendships and relationships and even having healthy work situations. So I really hope you'll use the opportunity to think about what transpired, your role, what you could have done differently, and how you could have handled the aftermath differently. If you do, then you can learn and grow tremendously from this experience, and perhaps, if your friends are compassionate people, they will eventually be able to forgive you. But that's totally up to them. What you can do for now is to work on yourself so the next time you make an ethical lapse (everyone does at one point or another) you can take responsibility for it instead of compounding the problem by avoiding it.

    I hope that helps.
     
  12. Gutterslut

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    Update: Well, I gave it a few days and decided to finally call my buddy. I apologized and said I was wrong for doing what I did, that is all, I didn't mention his boyfriend or being high I just flat out admitted I was wrong and said I was sorry. He proceeded to tell me I was a loser. So I let him rant for a while then just told him it wasn't going anywhere and said that we just shouldn't talk anymore, he agreed and that was that.

    I'd like to say "Lesson learned" but there isn't much of a lesson here. I threw common sense and my conscience out the window so I could enjoy myself for a few hours and now I'm paying the price. I know most of you are gonna say "That is the lesson you learned" but it's not. I already knew it wasn't right, I knew I shouldn't have done it but I chose not to care and do it anyway. This sucks but I'll get over it and hopefully have more self-control in the future.
     
  13. starbucksshoote

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    Well, I think there is a lessoned learned - based on what you've said, I think you'll weigh the true costs more realistically in the future. You may have known it wasn't right, but you might not have realized how much it was going to cost you - in fact, based on your previous statements, I think you learned that the price was much higher.

    We all do things we know are wrong sometimes - we look at the possible outcomes and weigh downside to our actions, and then decided whether or not to do it.

    Next time when faced with this situation, you'll recall how much this sucked, and hopefully you'll reconsider - if not for their sake, for your own.
     
  14. malachite

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    I think part of the lesson here is that when you wrong someone you have to give them time to get over the initial pain before they can move on.

    Its like ripping off a band-aid. You have get pas that HOLY F:***: part before you can take a look at the wound.
     
  15. Lexington

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    >>>I know most of you are gonna say "That is the lesson you learned" but it's not. I already knew it wasn't right, I knew I shouldn't have done it but I chose not to care and do it anyway.

    I guess that all depends. If a similar situation happened again, would you make the same choices? Do you still believe that fucking a hot guy is worth losing a group of friends? If a friend's boyfriend is looking hot to you, would you be willing to sacrifice that friendship as well for a good lay?

    Lex
     
  16. Chip

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    OK, what you wrote here is significantly different from what you wrote at the beginning of the thread. At the beginning, you were essentially claiming that it wasn't your fault because you were high and had no idea what you were doing, You seem to have shifted considerably in being willing to admit that, and if that's the case, that's a pretty big step in the right direction.
     
  17. Anarchy3825

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    Ok seriously im not saying what you did was right, but i mean... I dont know about you but im pretty sure when your high you cant control too much. Plus the other guy did kinda play along. I mean you guys are all like yelling at him but not one person was on his side. And btw your friend is kinda being a dick about it it, i mean hw could at least have the decency to let you tell your side and not just shut down... Just sayin
     
  18. Bryan90

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    I guess for you specifically, it can be quite irrelevant whether what you did was right or wrong.

    One way to live through this is simply to think that people have gone through much worse and have survived. Just take it one step at a time, live day by day. Wounds will heal, and life will go on as it is. We are more resilient than we think we are.

    So what if the entire world seem to hate you now, they might forget in a while, or you might just meet new people.

    "A very effective way to move pass one's problem is to open one's eyes to the world and see how insignificant one's problems are".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And I guess sometimes, we all do reckless things for a moment's pleasure. Should we always take into account of the future and not do anything reckless? Perhaps not; as that would be detrimentally boring. Should we live a constantly reckless life? Perhaps not too.. I guess it always has to be a balance, doesn't it?

    If you want to learn any lesson from this, I guess just learn that even if it seems like the world is about to end, it might not be as bad; we're always capable of finding ways to live though.
     
    #18 Bryan90, Apr 19, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  19. RaRa

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    I agree. What you did wasn't right but your friend didn't really give you a chance to explain or apologize. Ugh I hate people like that. I think you should move on and try to get yourself a new circle of friends. And stop getting high.
     
  20. Revan

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    I personally cannot say anything just because I don't want to wind up ripping into you. All I can say is listen to everyone above me and I dunno....good luck I guess.