Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and have been reading a lot but I have some questions about coming out. First let me say that I'm gay )). I have been struggling with the when/who/how for a few reasons. All of my friends and I are really close so I feel awkward about telling them individually but I'm not about to have a group coming out, haha. That'd be too intense for me. How do you pick who to come out to first. Family is out of the question for right now as there are some family matters that are being addressed right now. I feel like it's been a topic of discussion amongst the friends in times past which I'm completely ok with - it would be out of love and concern if anything. I'm to the point where I just want to get this off my chest. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that they will perceive me differently for a while. I have a feeling that two of my roommates are going to ask ridiculous questions, including if I find them attractive (I view them like brothers). I thought I was ready to come out and then I read about people asking about being the man/woman, top/bottom, ect. I expect it from my family because they are well intentioned but lack any sort of filter. Friends though, that will be interesting. I want to pretend like they won't ask that stuff but I just don't think I could handle talking about it yet? Does that mean I'm not ready to come out? I don't just randomly ask people I know about their favorite sexual positions - that's normal, right? It's one thing for them to know you are gay, but for them to see you being gay; it's completely different. I say this because it happened to a friend I had in HS. I know it's all situational but how long did people wait after coming out before they openly expressed interest to somebody of the same sex in front of their 'straight,' friends (zero gay friends I know about :icon_redf). IE: attempt to get a number, flirt, or kiss, hold hands. Was it immediate or did you work your way into it? I know that people I tell might need time to acclimate as I did - I get that. What was your experience the first time you were noticeably 'gay,' in front of your friends / family? -The BC
Do you mean that as soon as you come out your friends expect you to have a same sex partner? Or that its to soon for you to be go a same sex relationship? Sorry, but I don't get what your asking... I get the sex positions bit, I think everyone gets that a bit. I'm not saying it should happen but it often does I think you just gotta deal with it. With my parents I came out by introducing my girlfriend (i told then I was bi. Bit of a lie, but yeah) my friends I just told them. A few months later I was dating a girl so when I talked about her everyone was like oh okay whatever. Except jake who was like, she's gay, black, a teenage mother and a biker? Doesn't that make her every minority? No, makes her my girlfriend
I know I'm gay but I've never had a BF or been with a guy. My roommates don't have any gay friends (well, not that they know about yet :lol: ). I know I struggled with the mental transition from knowing I was gay to seeing myself actually being with a guy. I assume (perhaps incorrectly) that straight friends of gay people need some time to adjust as well? 'I just rebuilt your rock crawler, those new welded diffs are going really solid. BTW, I'm gay and here is my BF, we are going to kiss in front of you now.' Obviously, that isn't how any of it would go down, but maybe I'm just hung up on expressing feelings for a guy in front of my friends. :shrugs: Really though, I'm just so sick and tired of analyzing everything in my life I'm probably just going to bring it up in conversation one day (sooner than later). Seriously at the 'screw it,' point. Love me for who I am or get lost.
Yeah, my straight friends needed time to adjust, but so did my gay friends. What you have to remember and they should to is your the same person, they just know more about you now. This is probably different for me because I have friends in school and friends out of school who have never met each other. My girlfriend was part of my out of school friends and quite a few of then were gay anyway so it was fine us being a couple and whatever but noone at my school ever met her and i'm not sure i'd want them to. I'm the only queer with my mates as well and I have no idea how they would take it. And I don't think i'd be even slightly confertable in that situation either.
I have the two group situation as well - school and back home friends. Honestly, I feel like most of them will be really supportive, and even my family. I guess there will be awkwardness in the process regardless how supportive people are. Comes with the territory. I am getting really close to coming out; it's been something I've been contemplating a lot recently. 2 months ago I wouldn't have admitted I was gay to myself. Now when I'm downtown I just want to be myself. Smile back at the cute guy who smiles at me and have my friends just know that's who I am. . I've always been gay; before I just tried to mask it with GF's and deadlines for the day I'd stop thinking about guys. :lol: We always heckle each other about hitting on girls and all that - 'she's cute, go talk to her. DO IT, now!' It will be interesting to see if any of them will ever say, 'that guy keeps smiling at you, go talk to him, DO IT, now!' Haha. As a house we are making plans to move to a new state together post graduation. We've all known each other for 5 years and are really close. I figure that I want to come out before I graduate so that if people aren't ok with living with a gay guy, they can back out at the point. If they are all uncomfortable with it, so be it - I don't think most of them will care. I really want to get on with my life and start meeting guys . I'm an all or nothing person and everyone in my life knows that. If I'm out, that's it. Everyone will find out very quickly if they don't already know or suspect. There are a few people I know who I suspect er on the side of gay and they are all really good looking and awesome people. I might have a small crush on one of them, haha. But in all seriousness, closet life is not awesome. I want my life to be as awesome as possible.
I'm so happy they'll be supportive I thought my parents would be great with it after I came out but they now refuse to talk about it which is so frustrating. Not that i'm saying it'll happen to you, my parents can be a bit weird. Being completely yourself is the best feeling ever. If you've known them five years don't you know how they feel about gay people in general? Naw, bless you know what? Lifes short. If you think he's gay, ask him out. Worst he can say is no. Introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. Make it seem normal and chances are they'll just go with it. It'll also save you having to do one of those awkward i've always been this way, i'm still the same person type speeches.
I know one will not be ok with it. I'm ok with him not being ok with it, lol. His personal beliefs prevent him from accepting it but to each his own. We are the most distant of the bunch. The other one who isn't overly accepting is one of my best friends. Personally I think its because he has never been exposed to it - hell I wasn't ok with myself for years. I have almost come out to him on two seprate occasions and got to nervous and didn't even go there. However, I almost did it today, randomly. I always get weary when I am in such a good mood because I refuse to get down on myself. I'm not totally accustomed to the high of loving oneself yet. I am, but sometimes it's scary because I've always been really controlled, very careful about what I give out about myself. When you love yourself you don't care what random people think - which is awesome. I do care what my friends think, that's why they are my friends. It's still kinda scary thinking that they might not be ok with it. There is always the chance. Anyone ever randomly come out without any forethought? That's usually my style. Anyway, it is a beautiful day, I have to get some food and do some studying. I am really glad I found this site, and I look forward to adding my coming out story to the coming out section.
When I came out to the first (and so far only) person, it was very much without much thought---but it was also via e-mail as we go to school in different states. So, I guess not really the same thing... but still, the only thinking I had done was to decide that he would be the first person I told--I had no plan of when, I just randomly sat down and wrote the e-mail and sent it. I think coming out without much of a plan can be a good thing--for me, if I had planned it, I would have chickened out. What I would do though is decide who you will come out to ahead of time--pick the person you know will be the most supportive. It will be easier to face the more uncertain ones when you have a support base.
My guess is that all of them, even the one with the religious beliefs, will be ok with it. And if you have the sort of joking brotherly relationship where you ask each other embarrassing personal questions then yes, they may ask you some pretty graphic questions, but you can either deflect them ("my favorite position is on a bed") or tell them you don't know/aren't sure, or, depending on how your relationship is with them, be as graphic as possible with the intent of grossing them out so they'll be more reluctant to pry in the future. I think you're ready. You sound pretty comfortable with yourself, and even though you haven't had a relationship yet, you seem pretty solid on what you want, so I'd say go for it. If you don't feel comfortable tellng them in person, there are always letters, notes on the fridge (you could always leave an obtuse one like a shopping list with several items on it, the last of which is "hot boyfriend for (your name) ") or send a text. All depends on the nature of your relationship with your housemates.
Welcome! :icon_bigg I'm glad you seem at peace with yourself about your orientation. It's not often that happens when a newbie comes to the site. I know what you mean about the difference between your friends knowing and actually seeing you interacting with others of the same sex (flirting, hugging, kissing, holding hands etc). I experienced that last year. My friends for the most part took it well. I had a feeling they didn't really know what it would look like or they didn't take me seriously. They didn't get to see what it meant until I took one of my girlfriends to meet them. When they saw us interact (smiles, hugs, kisses, holding hands), it finally clicked with them from what I observed. Just remember to be yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. It might take some time to adjust but let them know that you're the same person they knew before you told them the news, just that they know a bit more about you and that your love looks a bit different than theirs.
I love this. I figured it would happen with my parents so I had already come up with some ridiculously foul sounding things to say, haha. I've been told I'm a 'story teller,' type of person so I feel that I will be able to provide over the top imagery without actually going over the top. I feel that the one religous friend will still be my friend and all that jazz, but it's funny because there are so many things he accepts even though it's against his faith. Hopefully I'll be one of them, we've all been side by side through thick and thin. Drinking problems, drug addictions, bad grades, love, hurt. That's what I'm talking about. It's one thing to know something, or hear about it and a completely different thing to experience it. It will be new for me too. . Random story from lunch today: Some friends (who already graduated) came up to visit all weekend. One of them left today and so we all went out to lunch. Among the numerous topics that came up, us moving to our new possible location came up. There is a pretty solid gay community where we are planning on going and the friend who left mentioned it. As soon as it came up one of my friends looked at me, and somebody made a joke, 'well BC, looks like you will be able to find a date for sure!' Oddly enough, it was from a random friend who wouldn't know about my situation - but it was all in good fun (I love my friends). In any case, everyone paused for a moment, and I gave a funny look and said, 'sweet, count me in!' Jokingly of course (but totally not, haha). I get the impression that some if not everyone suspects but we are all fairly open minded. We all josh around and give each other some flack - jokes about being gay, race, sluts, ect. Something you would never do with somebody you didn't know but close friends you can jokingly jab at taboo subjects, another reason why they are all so great. The friends have recently (last month or so) noticed that I seem much more calm, happy, confident. This is post self realization. I think that it helps knowing that even if they suspected my gayness, based on the way we've always been with each other, that they would feel comfortable joking with me and what not (in a good way, obviously ). I've spent a good amount of time with myself going over what I want in life, how I want to approach it, and how I would come out over the last few months. I'm to the point now where I just don't want to be somebody other than myself. Being gay isn't that big of a deal, and although I feel like others may disagree, it doesn't define who I am. I am still a car nut, guitar playing, picture taking, science loving fool. I will have a family, I will have a significant other that I will love, joke, cry, and be with. It just so happens that my SO will be a guy (hopefully a really cute one - gotta make all the girls jealous (the straight ones )). But I'm done rambling for now. Thank you so much for your responses, they've been very helpful and have given me some peace of mind. I'm just lucky that I have friends and fam who will most likely support me no matter what. Not saying it won't be hard, or that there won't be rough patches, but for the most part I have a very positive outlook on the situation (I definitely did not originally). Once I accepted myself - which was really hard to do - I figured that if I'm ok with myself, confident, comfortable, it will be easier for me and everyone I know to swallow. If my social skills have not been recently skewed, I think it's already starting to work. Now comes the big step, just saying it. haha. Over the next few weeks I'm coming out to close friends and going from there. I'll probably post like a crazy person after the first one goes down, lol. I just can't help but feel good about actually accepting myself for me and learning how to love myself. It's such an amazing experience - who knew. - The BC
