Drafting - My final letter

otc877 · Apr 20, 2010

My psychology professor assigned an odd essay: write a letter to whomever, with the knowledge that you have 28 days left to live.

I've begun drafting it, but am struggling with its content. I wanted the letter to more or less chronicle my own coming to terms with my sexuality, and the internal struggles faced. But, it feels like a story with no emotion.

So, what I'm asking from EC is what detail would you absolutely have to include in your final letter to your parents/loved ones?

Or, what is a nagging question that you feel parents would want to know? When my mom reads this letter after my supposed passing, is there anything left unanswered?

Also, any grammatical/spelling errors or any comments are welcomed. Hell, tear it apart. It's a draft and I'm not happy with it.

"Life"
Mom

I am truly sorry that I had never given you the chance to accept me for what I really am. I am also sorry that I did not have the courage to say this in person, and lastly I am sorry for taking the easiest route out by giving you this information after my passing. I am gay.

It’s funny how a lifetime of evading questions, watching & emulating “normal” mannerisms, and hiding can be torn away with three simple words. The truth being, I have never struggled with anything more in my life than those three simple words.

I have tried to change it; I have tried to suppress it, but I have learned that neither is possible. This is who I am--or was. This realization panged deep within my sanity. Self hatred ensued.

I loathed that there was something about myself out of my control. I hated every aspect of my existence. I began to nitpick. Any mannerism that even remotely indicated I was different, I attacked. I controlled my speech, ensuring I would never acquire a lisp. I controlled my walk, careful not to carry myself in a different way. I changed my clothing style, I changed my life. I figured, I can have this burden, but nobody is to know about it.

How naïve. This is not the first time I have contemplated my life, and my life’s work. This is not the first time I’ve thought about writing a final letter. I have been to a breaking point where seemingly the only viable option is to just end the constant struggle and release the weight I heaved onto my shoulders.

Before my will had completely shattered, the logic kicked in. I wanted to know everything there is to know about homosexuality. I needed to know everything: causes, cures, patterns, anything. I found solace in knowing that I was not alone. It brought great relief to know the statistical trend that the youngest of boys has a higher chance of being gay. Finally, there was a reason for my madness.

Which brings me to my current state; I am much more at peace with myself. I know this aspect of my life cannot be changed, I know myself and more importantly, I am okay with it. The only reason I chose not to share this with you, is because I knew how long it took for me to accept it, I can only assume it will take the same amount of time for you to accept it as well. I knew that you would still love me, and that you would eventually come around, but I was selfish in never wanting you to leave.

Know that it is not my intention to make you feel sad or think about what you could have done to help. The truth is, you could not have done anything more than what you already have done. It was my burden to carry and I had no intentions to share it with anybody else. The only reason I am revealing this to you, is because I feel you deserve to know about what went on inside my head. You deserve to know the real me, albeit too little too late.

Know that my love for everyone in the family has never wavered, and I wish you and everyone else peace of mind in light of the dark days ahead.
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Specifically, I don't like the 6th paragraph, it doesn't flow with the rest of the letter... at all.

I based this letter heavily on something I've previously posted here, but it doesn't have the same impact on me as the original...

I am gay.

I have never struggled so much with anything in my life more than those three words.
It's awkward to type, even more awkward in it's audible form.

I am gay.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this lower rung on the social ladder? I suppose this isn't a punishment, so long as I don't make it one. But, that's easier said than done.

From an early age, I've always hated gay people. I had no idea why, I just knew that gay people were people that I wasn't to associate with. This, is an unfortunate side-effect of being raised under a homophobic roof. I hated myself, and I never knew why.

You can imagine the struggle during my early teens. Fighting with myself, convincing--deceiving myself. I can't be gay, I hate gay people. I can't be gay, I like sports. I can't be gay, it's not me. Until, I shattered my own illusions and admitted to myself, that I am what I hate. Guilt ensued.

To realize you are what you've been taught never to become... hurts. I felt like I had failed. I'm the worst of all possible lifestyles, worst of all, it's inane. Regardless of how much I tried to change, I couldn't. These haunting thoughts, desires to be with what's forbidden. I felt guilty, guilty of a crime that I had no choice but to commit.

When the guilt subsided and I had stopped blaming myself, I moved onto a new target: the gay community. I vowed to distance myself from them, I would never conform. I can be gay, without being gay. Nobody will know.

Those delusions only lasted so long. Which brings me here, I'm making an effort. Exposing myself to a gay community, associating with the enemy. You guys aren't as evil as I had originally thought, and thanks to everyone here I can now say that I am not only completely accepting of myself, but of all others as well. I am free from my internalized homophobia and from all these deep seeded stigmas associated with it.

I am gay, and that phrase haunts me no more.
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If anybody got through this massive wall of text I appreciate it, and I appreciate even more any help/insight you have to offer.

Thanks,

Lexington · Apr 21, 2010

I don't find it lacks emotion. It has a very specific emotion - resignation/acceptance.

I had a kid bully me a lot when I was 14. If I had to write him a letter at age 14, it would've been full of swear words, and ripped spots where the pencil dug into the paper. But if I had to write one now, it wouldn't look like that at all, even though we never "made up". Because I've accepted what happened. I'm resigned to the fact that he was insecure, and he took his insecurities out on a convenient target - me. No, I'm not happy he did it, and I can't say as I've ever tried to track him down and become friends with him. But the hatred calmed into something that simply was "You did this, and so be it." And that's pretty much what comes through in your letter.

I think it's good the way it is.

Lex

Drafting - My final letter

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Drafting - My final letter

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