I haven't posted here in a while. For those who are new or don't remember, I'm married with 3 high school age kids. I came out to my wife at the end of October. Since then, I've been working towards separating. It's taken a while because I wanted to make sure that the finances are all worked out so that my wife and kid's are not harmed in the process. I've been blessed with a wonderful wife who has remained friendly and supportive. So, about a week ago, a duplex became available about a mile from my house. It's close enough for my non-driving kids to ride their bikes over and I can quickly get to the house to help when necessary. It's about as perfect as it can get. I told the landlord that I'd take it. I'll be able to move in as soon as the first of May. Because of this, I've been an emotional wreck today. I'm able to hold back the tears when I'm around others, but when I'm alone.... Anyway, my wife and I plan to tell the kids this weekend. We're telling them that we are separating and that I'm gay. From there, we're going to tell our parents. This represents everyone who I care about the most. Basically I'm going public this weekend. And I'm scared to death. I've spent my entire adult life running from this and now I have to face it. I also feel like a failure and that I'm abandoning my family. For those of you who have been where I'm at, please give me some encouragement. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and probably ever will do.
I fully understand how you feel. This is a very hard thing to do. There are a number of books written for gay parents. If you have not already read one, please let me know, and I will email you some titles. They were very helpful to me. There was some discussion in the books about whether to tell the kids that you are gay at the same time as you tell them about the separation. One perspective is that it is better to do it in stages; first tell them that you are separating and then another time, after they have adjusted to this new reality, come out to them. That is the approach I am taking. My kids have adapted well to the divorce, and I will shortly come out to them. You are very lucky that your wife is supportive and understanding. This will help greatly when telling the kids. There will be an adjustment period for the kids. There may also be some ups and downs with this news, as they process their new reality. In the end though, you are still their dad and, in all likelihood, they will love you unconditionally, just as you do them. Since both you and your wife will be conveying the same, positive message to them, they should do just fine. Having a spouse who is supportive, when speaking to the children about your sexuality, makes the whole process much easier for the kids. While I know you are worried and focused on the potential negatives, there are also positives for the kids. They will have the opportunity to understand diversity and tolerance first hand. They will likely grow into mush more tolerant, empathetic and non-judgmental adults. They will also learn coping skills when life throws them a curveball. Again, this is something that will greatly benefit them as adults. I have spoken with many gay parents, and their experiences in coming out to their kids has been almost uniformly positive. Good luck, and please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. I will be thinking about you this weekend.
I can imagine how terrifying this might be. But it sounds like it might be the terror you feel at the top of a tall ski slope, or before you make your first parachute jump. Because there's something exciting and exhilarating coming right behind it. You're not abandoning your family. Your wife seems to understand this (and she kicks ass because of that). You've simply been forcing yourself to play a role that you're unsuitable for - heterosexual husband. This does NOT mean you're unfit to play the role of father, or even good friend to your wife. You presumably will continue doing those, and doing them extremely well. But now, you'll be freed from the constraints of having to do them in the role you WEREN'T supposed to be playing - straight married man. Donatello: So what happens now? Master Splinter: Nothing. Only the rest of our lives. Go kick ass. Lex
I know I've told you this before, but I'll say it again... You are NOT abandoning your familiy. You're going to live within a minute or two of where they are. You're going to let them continue to live in the house that they've grown up in, go to the same school they've been going to, and see their dad (almost) as much as they see him now. No dictionary would describe that as abandonment. Not one. When I first separated from my wife, I would often drop in to see the kids during the week. My ex would ask me to dinner on a regular basis - because why not? And that just felt right for all of us. I also made it a point to live close to where my ex lived (we had to sell our home and move) so that I could see the kids often. Of course, now that I have a bf and she has a bf (soon to be husband - and my bf and I are invited to the wedding!), I don't drop in at her house nearly as often as I did at first - but that's also OK with everyone. Yes - that first step is a doozie. But you'll land on your feet - and you'll start to feel better about everythign. There will still be some rough patches while everyone adjusts to the 'new normal' but you'll get through those too. Good luck!
I'm really appreciate the fact that a) your wife is so supportive and b) you want the kids' welfare to go first. I know it's hard for you to come out fully, but just keep believing that it'll be OK and you'll pull through. Remember everyone on EC will help you get through it! :icon_wink
Thanks for all of the supporting posts. This place has been great for me. I'm feeling much better today. I think I'm over the abandonment thing because I'm not dumping them and running. I think I'm over the failure thing because I'm still the person I am and I've still achieved what I've achieved. I'm just letting everyone in on the secret I've carried inside. This is kind of where I'm at now. I've rationalized this thing to the point of where maybe this is the best thing for me. I'm announcing the separation and coming out all at once. No two step process. No having to get brave all over again. No having to worry about hurting anyone again in the future. People will either be in shock over the separation or the sexuality. I'm guessing it's the separation. Either way, It will be done and over with. My life will continue on and hopefully it will be much better. At the very least it will be honest! The double announcement thing is due to my wife's wishes. She wants me to tell the kids why so that they don't start making assumptions. It's a good point and they accuse me of being gay all of the time anyway, so it probably won't be a shock to them. Regardless, my wife has been the strong one on this and I only hope that she continues to do well. She won't talk to a therapist of her own and I haven't seen her cry yet. I just continue to be amazed by what a wonderful person she is. I never really appreciated her until now and I think that's going to help us be better friends and closer people than we ever were while married.
Congratulations on taking the steps you're taking. Honestly, you are biting off a lot at once, but I think you'll be much happier -- and i think everyone will understand once it's all over. I'll put in a plug for the simply amazing book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. The very misleadingly named book has a couple of chapters devoted to heterosexually married gay men and the special problems they have in coming out, working with children and spouses and the like. The book is also amazing in helping you sort through feelings and understand yourself at a much deeper level than you would have thought possible. I highly recommend getting a copy.
Thanks for the recommendation. I did read this book back in October prior to coming out to my wife. It was very helpful and insightful. I started with the married men chapter and ended up reading the entire book. I've moved on to being much happier today and even kind of excited about the future. Don't get me wrong, I still dread telling the kids, but they're the only ones I care about. I don't really care how accepting my parents or other family members will be. I expect them all to end up supporting me at some point. As stupid as it is, I realized that I never really stood up to my parents on anything. That's part of why I went into the closet. It took a recent motorcycle accident to help me see this and to prepare me for where I'm at now. A car hit me and I ended up in the emergency room. Injuries were minor considering the fact that my bike was totaled. My mom and dad have been begging me ever since then to not replace the bike. I finally got sick of it and told them that I'm 42 years old and I'll make my own decisions. That's when I knew I could face them on this.
You have all the support I can offer. I came out at a later age too, and while I wasn't married, I know what it's like to face your darkest fears that have been stewing inside for years... Just remember that you are who you are, and there is no shame in that. The journey of life necessitates corrections along the way for pretty much all of us; some corrections are easier to make than others, but they are all worth it in the end. The kids will probably be the most understanding of all. They owe you their lives and they have looked up to you all their lives. This will be a change for them, but kids are pretty adaptable. It's adults who usually have a harder time with change... but then even they can surprise you... Anyway good luck - I'm personally cheering for you!
