Friendship = two way street

I think you shouldnt get mad at your friend. I wouldnt think he doesnt trust you, but maybe he doesnt feel comfortable talking about his problems with another guy. Sometimes, it is easier to talk with a girl about one's problems. Few years ago my parents were divorcing and I was having a hard time with that. I didnt tell my closests male friends about how I was feeling. I guess I wanted to pretend to be strong and not emotional, and I'm sure many guys do that because men are supposed to be "tough". I found it easier to talk about how i was feeling with a girl friend. I knew her for a couple of months, but I was more confortable talking to her than with my best friends (whom I have known for years). Maybe that's your friends case. Just give him some time to clear up his mind.

 

I understand your feeling and why you're hurt but this is not how friendship works.
Friendship is not a barter, it's not "I tell you my secret so you have to tell me yours".
People have different personality, different way to relate to things, and different hability to talk about their feelings.
You trusted you friend enought to come out to him and that's great. I imagine that it might not have been easy and that it took you some time to do so. Now your friend have told you he is going through a tough time and you let him know he can talk to you about it if he wants too.
That was exactly the right thing to do. But the fact you offered him to talk to you doesn't mean he is obliged to take upon your offer. And this has very few to do about you, it's about him. Just the same way you had to feel ready before coming out to him, he has to feel ready to say whatever he has on his mind.
It might be anything. It might be something very serious, or something not serious at all but that is bothering him. He might be scared about it, or ashamed, or maybe he just doesn't know how to express his feelings. Some people are like this, they just keep whatever problems they might have for themselves because they have no idea how to manage the emotions that may arrise with talking to someone.
Your friend has the right to keep whatever is bothering him for himself. That doesn't mean he doesn't consider you as his friend, that just means this is how he deals with his problems. Now, what you can do, is to accept him the way he is and to let him know, from time to time, without insisting too much, that you're there for him.
Take care

 

First of all, (*hug*)

It's nice when friends can tell each other anything they're dealing with, when they're dealing with it. But the truth is that often, telling some people is harder than telling other people, even if they're good friends). Often, if you're dealing with something by yourself, it becomes so big an issue that even talking about it seems like baring your soul.

Maybe he did try to tell but the words just didn't come out. Or maybe he just felt the moment wasn't right, or you were in too much danger of being overheard or maybe he saw you were eager to know, and crawled back because he's afraid of being judged... There's a lot of reasons why people block up.

While friendship is a bit of a two-way street, that's different from tit for tat. It's a two street with "being there for each other", but that doesn't imply you can demand people to give up their secrets. All one can do is be there when a friend wants to talk. the "when" should be left to the friend.

To cite a personal example: one of my best friends came out to me when we were 17. I knew I was most likely gay at the time, but yet, I waited until I was 25. In a way, he could have been insulted that I kept it to myself all those years while I knew he was the one most likely to understand. But he didn't make a big deal of it. He just accepted that I wasn't ready to tell him yet, and that "being ready" is not something that can be forced. In the end, you're there for him and that should matter more than what the big secret is.

Don't take that as putting all the blame with you, though. I do understand that it's frustrating to know that a friend is going through something and not being able to help or not being trusted. But being pissed off over it isn't going to help anyone. Try to move on to other subjects and just have a good time. Only then will he feel comfortable to tell you things.

I do hope you're joking when you say "it's like I'm dating him", though. Dating shouldn't be about a cost/benefit ratio either. And it should definitely not be an overly stressful situation...

 

Some people are a lot more comfortable sharing things than others. I recently told a friend about a big thing that was worrying me. And I know that right now, she's going through a big deal, too. But she won't tell me much about it. Because that's just kinda how it is with her.

Just tell your friend that you're there to discuss things with if he wants to. But then say "If you'd rather not discuss it, that's cool - we can talk about something else." Give him the option. He'll be happy you did.

Lex

 

Well, wanting more out of a friendship than just joking around is definitely not bad of you. But if your expectations are never met, then maybe they aren't realistic and he just is someone who interacts with most people by joking around. Probably he limits his moments of being serious severely. There's friends to talk to and friends to joke around with, and those can overlap, but he's probably just one guy who fits just in the "joking" category.

It could be that as he grows older, he becomes slightly more serious, or maybe not, but it's not something you can force. It's very much something only he can decide to open up with. When you're faced with changing your expectations or changing someone else, it's probably best to try and chang your expectations.

I guess that you could just try to occasionally broach a more serious topic with him and see how he reacts. If he doesn't seem like he's wanting to talk more, then just don't push it. If he sees there's no pressure, he might open up more. Or maybe not, but that will be his choice...

 

I had this problem big time with a friend of mine in high school. We dont talk much now but we're still "Friends" when we're home on break. He and I were best friends for two years, then he just stopped treating me with the same respect I was treating him with. Just competely at random. Later, I came to find out that he is gay and had started coming out around the time that he stopped talking to me. He's been progressively more distant and acts like he's better than me almost every time I see him. He knows i'm gay even, but somehow I feel that makes me look worse in his eyes or something.

The truth is, some friendships dont last forever and as much as that hurts (and trust me I know it does) you gotta let go sometimes. It will be hard for a bit but there are other poeple out there who are willing to treat you with the respect you deserve. Dont do what I did and keep chasing a friendship that isnt working, because you get too attached to someone who doesnt want you in the end...