I'm so lonely for being gay

I know the feeling. Having friends that are girls and know, helps a lot. You can relate to them a lot more. I usually try to stay off the topic of boys (how can a girl hate Zac Efron?). As far as gay guys, try to make friends with other gay guys, but make it clear that you just want to be friends for the time. As far as not touching sexuality. Thats almost impossible. your sexuality is a big part of you. You cant change it. Just try to be true to people.

 

I know how you feel too, and I don't really have any answers.

 

Sounds like you are going through a bit of a rough time. Most of what you may find is it is our attitudes and reactions that can prevent us from forming friendships. You point out a couple of things that are preventing you from doing so, acting snobbish and hostile to people around you sends a pretty blunt message, stay away. The other, having fear of rejection or hurt, so you do not extend yourself out to anyone, thus don't give any opportunity for someone to respond. Both these actions/reactions are under your control and can be changed.

Relationships involve risk, just like everything else. Being willing to take some risk in life is essential in order to meet people and get to know them. There is always a chance of rejection from anyone, but it is not a situation that will actually kill you. Everyone has the same sort of fear, just that most are pretty good at hiding it. Think of your positive attributes and not your negatives and portray them more while working on correcting the negatives.

In order to have friends, one needs to be friendly. Body language is a form of communication that is hard to hide and is a significant portion of what we communicate to others. If you are surly, hostile, snobbish, that comes across quite strong and people pick up on it quickly and will vacate your presence. Changing those stances to being inviting, smiling and appearing engaged will invite people into your sphere. Many are just as eager to meet new friends as you. Be yourself as much as possible and don't assume others are being judgmental or have negative thoughts concerning you because the majority of the time they are not.

As for your sexuality, it is a real thing and it is a part of you, but you don't have to wear it on your sleeve. In making of gay friends, in the course of conversation you can lay out the ground rules as far as you are concerned, but do it in such a way as to not be offensive to someone. It is ok and possible to say no in a gentle yet stern enough way to make it understood you are not interested now and want to wait. With some that may end the association, but there are a number of gems in the rough out there that will accept that and become a good friend. Don't reject out of hand someone just because they should happen to mention they have the hots for you and want to get intimate. You can be honest and tell them no.

Communication as stated above is important. You needn't go through a laundry list of things that are the do's and don'ts of what you feel is your want in a relationship in the first five minutes, but over the course of the association can be iterated. But the thing is to be honest and open in your communicating with the other. Do it gently yet firmly and most will handle it just fine.

Lastly (thank goodness) much of what we think of ourselves can come out in how we hold ourselves (body language again). If we are lonely, feel low about ourselves, feel less engaged in the world around us and so on, we can have a tendency to put on a face and act as if we are in a state of "woe is me", "how sad I am", "I'm a ninkenpoop, stay away" and it will effectively keep people away. Get use to your own skin, meaning we all have positive and negative aspects of ourselves, don't concentrate on the negatives and forget the positives, do the opposite. We can improve the positives as well as the negatives, but it needs to be understood, everyone has them. You can work on the negatives over time, but show forth the positives. A true friend will accept you for who you are, warts and all.

Try not to assume anything in regard to what someone may be thinking or feeling. Just be yourself and you will likely find a number of new friends.

I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the very best.

 

you're not the only one sad. i live in one of the most homophobic countries in Europe and i can't even accept myself because my religion says i'm going to hell if i'm gay and i can't abandon my faith in God. i hate myself so much now, that i've cursed both my parents for giving birth to me. i don't have any friends, neither online or in the real world.

 

I know just how you feel. Most of my friends are girls, and that makes it easier, and when they talk about guys I just roll my eyes (even though I am not offically out, they sort of know, so it isnt a problem) And all of my guy friends arent that great looking, so that is how I avoid trouble, but it can be hard. Also, if you would feel more comfortable around gays, try going to a GSA meeting, or something like that, you can meet some great people there.

 

I understand on a ton of levels. I have a small amount of guy friends, because I can't relate period, and I can be pretty quiet and shy most of the time. Even with my closest friend I'm not very sharing, there is a lot she doesn't know about me (including being gay, why me and her never talk about religion, etc.) When I start feeling really crappy sometimes after reminding myself that no one knows about a huge chunk of my life, I get very lonely. I really hope you find that right friend, I'm still searching myself

 

Ah, I'm kinda in the same boat.. I think. I've drifted away from many friends due to rejection and a majority of them are homophobic or don't really understand.

I make good friends with guys, but again, most of them I'm afraid will mock me or think I'm quite "gross" for being a lesbian, practically. Or they might find me attractive which would be awkward. :<

I also fear making friends with other females because of the same reasons. I wouldn't mind having a gay friend, but that's rare around here.

Have you thought of joining any local LGBT groups? Or looking into Meetup for any? Maybe going to some pride festivals/fairs can subdue the lonely feelings and you might meet a friend there or two. It doesn't even have to be a gay club, either. Just joining clubs of your interest?

Best of luck to you!

 

I'm lonely too, but I do have a couple of good friends, and one best friend who was my first real love/crush. We're both bi, but when I confessed my feelings for him, he told me that he really likes me as a friend, but just as that. Still good friends though ^_^. It may sound like I have it great, and maybe I do to a degree, but he's the only person I've ever met who I suspected (then confirmed) was bi/gay that I actually liked. I do feel attracted to girls, but I've only ever truly liked a girl once, and that was my first crush ever. Every other time I've crushed on a girl, it's always sort of faded as I realized it was only physical, not really romantic. So I often feel lonely, I'd love to have a boyfriend, someone like me, that I could do things we both enjoy with, cuddle, etc, ^_^

My own suggestion for both myself and you, is start going to clubs/events relating to things you enjoy. Every time you meet someone that gives you that tingling, sort of pre-crush feeling, talk to them, and see if you can hang out sometime. You'll probably rule out most as straight people, but you're much more likely to meet someone who's gay. The problem about being passive when it comes to friendships, is that a lot of younger gay people (teens/young adults) tend to be the exact same, quiet/a little shy. Sure, there are plenty of charismatic gay people, but due to how varied reactions can be from people learning someone's gay, us gay/bi people have a tendency towards caution with relationships.

I'm not suggesting you fish around for hook-ups/jump right into an intimate relationship, since you expressly said you're not looking for that. What I'm suggesting is that you just give people a chance. Take the initiative.

I met my first real crush just 4 months ago, at the beginning of this school year (my final year). I've gone through lonely phases all my life, as I'm pretty introverted and quiet around people I don't know (I'm really energetic around my two friends, but I act the complete opposite with people I don't know well), but I was feeling pretty good when the year started. So I arrive at class, sat down beside a friend and not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Then, I noticed this guy in front of me that I'd seen around before, but never thought much about or talked to. For some reason I just felt really curious about him, it wasn't like love at first sight or anything. Nothing really happened the first few days, I just kept noticing him, then going back to my own business. Eventually, I heard him tell the teacher about some problem he was having, and realized I knew the solution to that problem. Normally, I would just thought "Meh, whatever, it would be weird if I suddenly started talking to him ", but I suddenly decided to talk to him. I told him the solution to this issue he was having, and the conversation just went from there. I learned that he was a lot like me, we had the same internet-meme sense of humor (for better or for worse ), same scientific interests, both programmers, etc. We got to know each other pretty well, we both talked a lot about some past problems we've had and grew pretty close. I eventually fell in love with him. It sounds melodramatic, but I honestly did and still do love him. He inspired me in many ways to change who I was, meeting him made me take a look at where I was going, I realized that had I not said anything to him that day, I would have gone through this year, not making any attempts to meet new people, to do anything really. He really changed my life, and for that I'll always be grateful. To make a long story short, I eventually told him how much he meant to me, and learned that he liked me a lot too, but as a friend. He was so sweet about letting me down though, that it really didn't hurt that much. We're still great friends ^_^

What I'm trying to say, is that it's soooooo easy to just let possible amazing, life-changing relationships just slip through your fingers. I could have, and almost did, decide to to just not bother starting a conversation with him, and I would have missed out on it. I would be an entirely different person, and probably for the worse too . Loving him shaped me in a lot of ways, and really completed my growth into an adult. So, TL;DR Take the initiative with relationships. Find an excuse to talk to people more, and you'll surprise yourself. If you just sit around waiting for someone to come up to you, you may be left waiting forever, however, if you take the initiative to explore possible friendships, you may find someone tomorrow, who knows ^_^.

 

You can't be afraid, hon. I would suggest hanging out with your friends though.

 

I have a lot of friends though but i still feel incredibly lonely because i'm gay though i won't act hostile towards others just because of my sexuality. Plus it doesn't help when you live in a really conservative and homophobic places in Asia too

 

I know this isn't really funny and I know I can relate to this quite a bit nowadays but there's lonely heterosexual people out there so why would gays be any different. We all get lonely, we're human beings it's almost as if we are triggered to be lonely.

I may be alone in this but I've always found the net another way to feel less lonely and to even possibly build solid relationships.

 

While sexuality is a part of you, so is personality, appearance, skills, interests, etc. I don't believe sexuality should dictate who you befriend. For me, making friends is difficult as it is because I'm extremely terrible at small talk (mostly when I'm by myself; with a friend is another story). However, the friends I do have are both guys and girls, straight and gay. Variety is the spice of life. And of course you're going to have friends who are attracted to you at one point or another (I can't tell you how many girls have told me "Just be straight for five minutes" after hearing me sing and play piano) but really you just got to be firm with them and say no.

My advice to you then is to try to befriend people regardless of whether or not they are attracted to you. It may seem hard at first, but like everything else in this world, practice makes perfect.

 

Locking this, because people keep replying to the OP, which is from 2007. If anyone wants to continue this discussion, please feel free to make a new thread.