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Not sure where this friendship is going...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by EhE5, Apr 21, 2010.

  1. EhE5

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    I met someone 2 years ago at a club and we've been on pretty good terms since then. We've only seen each other about 5-6 times since then, but talked sometimes on the phone or over the internet. Not THAT close. I also told him in advance that I'm not looking for a relationship at all (generally speaking) and we never had sex or anything.

    He invited me over and I kinda have to go because it's his birthday. I told him it would be a little awkward to come to his place because I don't know any of his friends. He said he had already told his friends about me and they'd finally be able to put a face to the name. Isn't that a little weird considering the fact we haven't MET in person that many times and we're just friends? He was also the one to approach me when I met him. Last time I saw him he said I looked hot and I felt it was about to go somewhere.

    I'm not interested, though. I'm not looking for a relationship and I'd much rather have a real friend who likes me for who I am and happens to be gay. I don't even know how to act around his friends. It's weird for me to "come out" to people like that. Also, what could they have possibly heard about me? I've already told him I'm not looking for anything, maybe he thinks he'll be getting some? He's a pretty nice guy so I don't want it to end up badly, but I'm getting some bad vibes I think I've been blind about for a while. I'm a little anxious about the whole thing...
     
  2. Corny

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    Go .. have a good time, and figure it out. He might be hoping for more, but you already told him that you're not interested. If he still is out for more, you can still cut him off. But not everybody who just happens to like you wants more from you, just because he's gay. I have some friends that live a bit further away whom I like very much. Most of my local friends have heard about them a few times before but never met them. And still I sure would invite them to a party where the others are as well so that they could a face to that name, and I wouldn't invite them if I wouldn't believe they get along.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    You really don't have to go if you'd rather not. Just because it's the day he was born doesn't make you obligated to him in the slightest. :slight_smile: Feel free to make an excuse (text him and say you're not feeling up to it the night of), or don't even do that. If you don't have anything else going on that evening, feel free to stop in briefly and say happy birthday. Introduce yourself to a couple of his friends - "Hi, I'm Eh. I met Fred at a club a couple years back." That's it. If they seem friendly, feel free to stay and chat. If you get the feeling that they're giving you the once over, or the "oh, so THIS is the famous Eh!", make your excuses and leave. No biggie.

    Lex
     
  4. EhE5

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    :slight_smile:
    I'd make an excuse, but I've been doing that for way too long. I haven't been doing so well in the past few months, so I'm used to coming up with excuses for the weekend. More comfortable at home. I can't be that obvious again though, people get the wrong message, so there's always the time I give up and go out. He actually stayed away for a while (maybe he felt rejected) so now that he's inviting me over for his birthday, I think this is when I should be nice and just get it over with. If it weren't for that, I'd gladly stay home.

    And well... my behavior has made me become less social. I can't see myself being too friendly with a bunch of people I don't know, or "out" myself as his gay friend. I'm not in the mood. I'd tell him I'm not ready to "expose" myself, but how stupid is that considering the fact we met at a gay club? That was actually one of the few times I went there, but still it's dumb. I don't want it to be another one those times when I just sit there and get "you're quiet". What I do know is if I don't go at all, it would be too much. I think I'll just tell him I don't feel comfortable about meeting all those people.
     
  5. paco

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    try to relax a bit, it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

    i agree with lex, you don't have to go. i mean, maybe he is a nice guy, but you don't have to be his friend because of that. it kinda sounds like you're forcing yourself to be his friend just cause he's nice and you have something in common, but plenty of nice people just don't click as friends, and being gay isn't enough to ensure a bond either. i could be misinterpreting the posts so sorry if i am, but that's what it sounds like to me.

    as for being social, just try to get out and do something with a friend. it's easy to sit at home and do nothing all the time, but getting trapped in that is no fun--maybe bring a friend to his party if you decide to go, then you've at least got someone you know to talk to.
     
  6. Filip

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    First of all, welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your stay!

    On the one hand, it might be a bit awkward going to a place where you have a lot of people you don't know. On the other hand, you like this guy and they are his friends, so that should be at least a bit of a good reference. You're almost discounting the possibility that they might be genuinely nice peope to hang around with, once you get talking.

    I think you might possibly be overinterpreting here. Yes, he approached you first, and yes, he told his friends about you. But some people are just proactive when looking for friends. And a lot of the time, people like their friends as a somewhat cohesive group, instead of dealing with them one-on-one. He might just be the kind of guy who likes to be able to have all his friends together. And maybe he just feels like you could use some more people to associate with.

    Also, you won't really have to "out" yourself to them. Probably he already mentioned where you met, so that took care of the outing already. Maybe that's a bit awkward at first, but I'm pretty sure that they won't make a big deal of it. they accepted your friend after all. Even if you have come out to a fair amount of people, being out takes some practice at first. But you get better with it over time.

    Just be careful that you're not interpreting things as a way of making excuses for sitting at home. Don't get me wrong, being nervous is pretty normal (I'm a nervous wreck any time I go out), but it often pays to try and push your boundaries a little bit.
    Just speaking for myself, every time I do go out (or rather, let my friends drag me out :icon_wink), I just try to go with an open mind (so, no thinking "this is dumb!" ahead of time), I end up having a pretty good time.

    I think that this is one of the cases where you might just say that you have to meet someone else later in the night or a similar excuse. If you don't end up having a good time, you can cite that as a reason to leave. If you do end up having a good time, then this appointment could suddenly be "rescheduled" and you're free to stay.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    This to me suggests that you should go. If you've been staying home and "haven't been doing so well" lately I'm going to read between the lines and assume that you're not going out with other friends either. And that's not good. What do you think the reasons are for that?

    Going to new places and mingling with new people isn't something that comes naturally to many people. Instead, for most people, it takes practice. And this would be a great opportunity to practice. And recognize that you're not going to be great at it the first time. So don't beat yourself up if you're not the life of the party. Accept that you're going to struggle a bit at first. But you have to start somewhere.

    As has been said - you don't need to come out. You just need to show up. His friends know about you - perhaps because he's more excited about coming out and going to a club than you were. And that's cool. You don't both need to be on the same page there. So assume they know you're gay, and there's no need to talk about it. Instead, you could be prepared with a couple of 'ice breaker' discussion topics. Have you done anything interesting or different recently? People might like to hear about it. Also have questions ready for poeple, because they will be comfortable talking about themselves. Where do you go to school? How long have you know (common friend's name)? Have you seen Avatar (or other recent movie)? There's no need to sit quietly alone at a party. The longer you do that, the harder it is to stop doing it.

    I hope all that helps.

    Welcome to EC - I hope you stick around and enjoy the forum.
     
  8. Lexington

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    Well, two options, then.

    First, go. And you don't have to "out" yourself as his gay friend. I mean, he was there, too, right? Doesn't that mean HE's gay, too? So obviously, these friends aren't gonna have any issue with another gay man in their midst. And you don't even have to make yourself "the gay guy". Just say "We met at a club one night, and we've hung out a couple times since then." There.

    Secondly, be honest with him. Tell him you've got a bit of a social phobia, and being in a room with a lot of people you don't know freaks you out some. Say you wouldn't mind hanging out with him, or even with him and a friend or two, but being in a large group sort of makes you anxious. I can't imagine he'd have any issue with that.

    Lex
     
  9. EhE5

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    I ended up not going because of an actual misunderstanding, but I don't think he believes me. He wasn't even making an effort when I showed interest. That's new. He ignored my last two messages. I don't know how to make plans with him for tomorrow, cause if I go out of my way it will make me look "guilty" about tonight. I think it's over this time. My loss. I was too busy with this guy that I actually forgot to call someone else back too, and that's probably not a very believeable excuse either given my history.

    I don't even know why I'm acting like that. I know it doesn't make sense. I probably "forgot" to call the other guy back because he doesn't know I'm gay and I'm starting to feel pathetic for being so fake with people. But I'm not getting anywhere with people that know I'm gay, either. I used to be more open to meeting gay people. Unlike the guy this thread is about, I was never real with people. He's the type of guy that that's been out of the closet since high school and managed to make a lot of friends during that time. I'm the kind of guy that took life way too seriously in high school to do that. I'm not gonna feel comfortable meeting 15-20 strangers who know I'm gay and who knows what else. But who knows, my excuses keep changing. I don't know what it is. There's some good advice here that I'll use next time though, whenever that is. Thanks.
     
    #9 EhE5, Apr 22, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  10. NoLeafClover

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    This sounds like me. Thanks for posting.

    I can't tell if I'm holding myself back, if I'm really not a sexual/relationship type person at all, or if I'm even gay through and through. Sure, I like men, but liking men and falling in with most other gay men doesn't seem to work for me.

    Advice - try not to worry about being "pathetic" or feeling like you're behind. In high school there was no way I was going to be the 'out' guy and even now that I'm out, I'm still not that person and I don't think I ever will be. Set your own pace and figure it out on your own time. Fuck em! =P

    Wow I think I typed myself into a better mood.
     
  11. Filip

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    I can understand that you weren’t all that eager to go. And I can understand that being faced with 15 strangers is scary (though, being "out" wouldn't necessarily be a big deal. They probably wouldn't make a bigger deal about you being gay than they would about your eye colour. Yes, they know you're gay. But so what?).
    But I can’t say I agree at all with your “oh, well” approach to this. Frankly, it seems like you saw an excuse to hide behind and grabbed it with both hands.

    Just letting a friendship drop because trying to explain yourself would make you look bad isn’t exactly a thing friends do.
    Friendships are not about saving face in front of each other, or about who's "guilty" or the "better friend". It's not a contest. Occasionally, you look foolish in front of friends, but that’s what they’re friends for: they understand that sometimes people mess up, without that upsetting the friendship.

    How did you handle this? Did you text him during the evening to let him know you weren’t going to make it? Or did you just not go and only send him a “sorry” text later?

    I think you should try to contact him and just be frank: that you were just afraid to go because crowds of people scare you, and that you allowed some misunderstanding with a friend to use up your time. After that you could propose to go out and have a drink because you do want to celebrate his birthday.

    Now, you might think “easy to say”. Trust me, I know it isn’t easy. My natural method of handling stressful social situations is by avoiding them too. On occasion, I still make excuses to avoid being put in social situations. I've done things like you describe quite often. Sometimes I think that staying in the closet until I was 25, always avoiding firends for fear of them finding out made me too self-reliant when it comes to spending my time.

    But here's the thing about opening up: it doesn't happen by itself. It takes a slight pushing of your boundaries. I told my friends that I tend to make excuses, and by now they don't take no for an answer anymore :wink: Over time, as you break down your own walls, it becomes easier and easier. And it is worth it to make new friends.
     
    #11 Filip, Apr 23, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  12. EhE5

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    I don't think it's social phobia. It's just easier for me to give in to depression than it is to step out of my comfort zone. I'm aware of that. It wouldn't kill me to go out, but I guess I prefer to stay home and watch a good movie than face things I'm uncomfortable with. It's like outing myself even to gay friendly people would kill my chances for a "normal" life. I'm not comfortable being a minority. I don't even have my sexuality 100% figured out, so maybe it's a little early. I know I'm attracted to guys, but did I ever really give girls a chance?

    I did call him again and we talked a bit. I wasn't completely honest but I did make an effort. I don't think a person should lay out all his cards even to friends. Maybe I'd be more real with people if I know they were real with me. It seems it's either sex or relationship with gay guys, and my straight friends don't have a clue. Anyway, we ended up rescheduling and I think a few of his friends will be around. Not particulary excited to go, but I will.
     
  13. Lexington

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    I'm not sure I can offer anything here anymore.

    Lex