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When it's your gf/bf that needs help Coming Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RaeofLite, Apr 21, 2010.

  1. RaeofLite

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    I'm out to everyone. She's not. Only our close friends know, some of her coworkers know, my family knows but her parents and siblings are in the dark.

    I feel torn. She came crying to me the other day saying she was going through a tough time. There was a news program on the news one night about gay related issues. Her mom (whom she is otherwise close to), ranted and raved, saying very homophobic/bigoted comments. This caused my girlfriend to get very angry (obviously), and try to defend "the gays" saying it's not a choice and why would someone willingly put themselves through it if it was a choice etc.

    I told her there is no rush to come out to her family and that I was sticking around for the long haul. I think she appreciated hearing this, but still wants to be hoenst with her family. I mean, it's tough lying all the time and I don't know about anyone else, but I hate lying. ><

    When she cried in my arms, I felt almost helpless because I totally know what she's going through, having gone through it myself several years. However, I feel I am her rock. I know what she's going through but I need some more advice if possible. What should I do? I'm not going to have my own place for the summer-due to lack of money so she won't be able to stay with me if things go a wry. I have had one friend offer his place so she could crash, but I'm not sure how available or permanent that option could be.

    She has a job but doesn't think she would be able to financially support herself in her own place yet.

    I still haven't met her mother, but I have assured her I would act like the "straightest girl on the planet" mentioning guys, the whole nine yards infront of her mother if it would help incase her mom has any form of gaydar.

    My parents have met her and we've all spent time together a couple times. They think she's really sweet. They know she's going through a tough time with her mom but I don't think they'd be up for the idea of her crashing at my place yet..

    Aaah... Advice, please? :confused:
     
    #1 RaeofLite, Apr 21, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2010
  2. Corny

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    There is not much that you can do other than just being there for them. Many people try to actively "help" their partners but that mostly doesn't work out (in my experience). Everybody needs to do it at his own pace ..
    I'd however talk to your parents about the situation. You know them better than us of course, but they seem to be pretty okay with your sexuality and you seem to have a general good relationship. I never had to ask, but in a situation like that I am sure I could have trusted my parents to trust me when I would have said that I need to provide "shelter" for a friend of mine for some time ..
     
  3. malachite

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    I don't think there is any advice I can gice, you seem to be doing everything you can. You're there for her in telling her that you're not going anywhere, and (most importantly) you're not trying to force her out.

    Other then what you are doing there really isn't anything you can do.

    I know that feeling when someone you care about in hurting and you want to make it go away, but just keep doing what you've been doing.

    Hang tough girl!
     
  4. Filip

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    I agree with the others that in situations like these there’s not a whole lot you can do to guarantee a happy coming-out. Sometimes all that’s holding someone back is their own irrational fears, and then it’s OK to slightly “push” a little, but if you’re faced with the probability of a very bad response, that’s not an option.
    I think that, until there is the option of self-reliance, it is probably best to bide the time. In such cases it's more self-protection than lying.

    However, you did mention siblings. Do you have any idea how they would react? Can they be trusted to be supportive and keep it a secret? Maybe it's better to go about this in a roundabout way by building support among siblings. Then she will have a unified front when going to the parents. They might seriously reconsider their position if they see that this is just something that they decide to make a big problem of, while the rest of the children are OK with it.

    In the meantime, I think you're doing a great job! When she cries you may feel like you're not able to help, but by just being there, you're already helping a great deal. This is what is making it bearable for her. This might go on for some months yet, but I'm sure that in tilme you'll get to a point where her oming-out will become a realistic option. and after it's done, you'll swiftly forget all the angst that came before!
    (*hug*)
     
  5. Jim1454

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    She needs to work through this with her family in her own time, on her own terms.

    I don't think 'running away' from the problem will help either. If she's convinced that her parents won't react favourably to her coming out, then she shouldn't come out. If there's a chance that her parents might come around with education and information, then she should start providing it to them. She doesn't even need to come out to them - she had this argument with her mom the other day so she can refer to that discussion when she gives her mom PFLAG information or something like that. Maybe before long her mom will come around - and potentially get the message that perhaps she isn't just gay friendly but in fact gay.

    Having her move in with you when she isn't ready to support herself just adds stress to you relationship.
     
  6. RaeofLite

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    Thanks for the replies. I will suggest that she come out to her oldest sister who's a few years older than me, whom we both know is fairly liberal/bohemian, that way she can have someone to vent to and help support. And I'll suggest the PFLAG materials/site to look at for when she does feel ready.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Sylver

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    Hey Lisa, I too feel that you are doing the right things already. Coming out is a personal thing, even for a girlfriend, and all you can be is her anchor and her rock and her shoulder to cry on. And it sounds like you're already all of those and more... :slight_smile:

    For me, it finally took a tipping of the internal scales so to speak, where the pain of not being open and honest and always being ashamed of who I was finally outweighed the risks and fears of coming out. Like it or not, I think most of us have to go through that process. Unfortunately, it involves pain and discomfort and it can be hard for a loved one to watch, but I think it's essential - change isn't easy, but working through it has a big payoff. Stick with her and offer to help her through it with your own advice and by sharing what you went through. I'll predict that when it finally happens (and it will), her love for you will be even greater because you saw her through this. In my books, that's totally worth it!
     
  8. flymetothemoon

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    As someone who is in your girlfriend's place (or at least a very similar one), I'd say you are doing all the right things. Yes, you might feel like you can't help when she's crying to you about what's going on, but hearing that you aren't going to go anywhere and that you're not there to push her out and you're still going to be there if she's not ready to come out to her parents yet is probably just what she needed. Does it fix everything? No. But there's not much you can do to fix that situation for her. She has to do it on her own in her own time when she is ready, and if she couldn't take care of herself if it went badly, then now probably isn't the right time for her to do it. I promise you that as much as you feel like you're not doing anything, you are doing the very best thing you could by just being there to hold her when she's upset and being there to support her now and letting her know you'll be there to support her if/when she's ready but that it doesn't have to be now. Dealing with this situation, that has been the one thing I have needed most is to know that I have someone there no matter what.

    Since she did just have that conversation with her mom, though, and can reference that when providing materials, I would definitely second the suggestion of PFLAG materials and just saying that she thought maybe those would help her mom understand where she was coming from in the conversation they had the other day.
     
  9. RaeofLite

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    Thanks flymetothemoon. It helps to hear it from someone in that position, not to say that all the other posters didn't help. You've all helped. :slight_smile: Thanks EC! (&&&)