So, to preface, I'm female and I don't think I'd really want to be male. I try to picture it and nothing feels right about it. So I don't think I'm dealing with trans-type issues or anything. But sometimes I just get so pissed off at being female. It all feels like some stupid indignity thrust upon me without my consent. I hate the idea that a woman doesn't have to be consenting or even conscious to get knocked up. I hate that I'm of the gender that has a crapton of people trying to legislate over what we do with our bodies. It makes me feel like powerless by proxy (even though the whole 'not sleeping with men' thing doesn't put me at much risk for accidental babies) and I hate it. I briefly wondered what I'd do if I were raped and got pregnant the other day. My reaction was to get angry and conclude that I'd probably just throw myself in front of a bus, as if to say, "TAKE THAT, BIOLOGY". I can't figure out why I feel that way, considering I know I wouldn't actually do it. I'd just... want to? =/ And sweet crap, pregnancy is a weird concept anyway. I love kids, don't get me wrong, but the fact that we all start as a parasitic life form that fucks with your hormones and your body generally just weirds me out. And yet there's some part of my brain that keeps thinking, "Want!" when the rest of it is going, "Oh my god no, that's fucked up," and I can't seem to reconcile that. I both want it and hate that I want it. I hate the periods, the hormones, and how my being legitimately pissed off at something can be so easily written off as PMS by other people. I particularly hate it when it is PMS that's making me pissed off at things. I feel hormone spikes messing with my moods, making me weepy or angry or whatever, and when I realize that's what's doing it, I get even moodier and angrier. I can't stand that lack of control, I guess? I hate my stupid wide hips and stupid huge boobs and how the only clothes that don't make me look like a top-heavy fatass are girly as shit. I wish I could pull off that androgynous look, but I can't. If I wear clothes that look more like I want to look (if I were shaped differently), I look awful. I can't seem to figure out if I hate skirts or not. I'd be cool with dressing like a boy one day and skipping out of the house in a sun-dress the other if that's what I genuinely wanted to do, but I get so weirded out by girly clothes that I can't figure out what I actually like anymore. I feel weird wearing them out in public, but I sometimes put on a skirt and dance around in my room. It's like I'm a transvestite who's ashamed, except I'm a girl in a skirt. (This is something that has been true for as long as I can remember, so I don't think it's some unconscious "Oh, I'm A Lesbian now, I can't wear skirts" attitude.) I'll bounce between hating everything about myself and my gender, and feeling like I'm hot shit and wanting to strut down the sidewalk with my head high and hips swaying. I either love being a lady or I can't stand it and want to crawl out of my own skin into some robot body or something. I have no idea where these feelings are coming from, frankly. I don't know if it's what my horrible low self-esteem/inferiority complex issues mutated into or what, but I feel like I'm spending a lot of mental energy just being pissed off. At something I really have no control over. Which might be why I'm pissed off? I don't knowwww. I just... don't get it. =( It's like I'm all "WOO, GRRL POWER!" or "OH GOD WHY WASN'T I BORN AN ANDROID" with no real inbetween, and it's getting tiring.
(*hug*) You have no idea how much your post mirrors my outlook on life as well. ..YAY biology and societal expecations... *eyeroll* And I remember when I was pretty depressed several years ago, that I was actually happy to not have my period for over a year. I was ticked off when it came back. So damn annoying. lol As for pregnancy and kids... I have a few friends my age that have kids. Personally... I know what would have happened if I had been in that position. (Please don't hate...) But that was their decision in life so I respect that. My mom constantly reminds me that I should have kids and that even lesbians can have children. Agh. I thought she would stop with that ever since I came out. Apparently not. :lol: My girlfriend now mentions kids and how I should have them if we end up getting married. I mentioned that I like the general idea of being main bread winner, not that there's anything with either... while really I feel pressured inside, like "oh my god... seriously? You're talking about kids?? I am too young and I think I would really screw them up, and I think this world is too overpopulated as is and wkldsljsdklsdjlkds! And I don't even think I want them... " In the case of dressing... wear what you feel comfortable in. Not what others deem you to look good in or wear because "that's how the genders are". Some days I wear feminine tops, some days I wear guy styled clothes. Some days I'm in between. For the most part, I dress inbetween which is a casual, slightly female styled manner.
I'm the male version of you. Being male makes me insanely uncomfortable, but being female would do the same thing. For the pregnancy issue, I do feel kind of jealous when I see pregnant women. They scare me a bit as well. But I get pissed off that I'm never going to be able to carry and give birth to a baby. I get exactly what you mean for the clothes thing, because if I've ever had to wear any slightly masculine piece of clothing (i.e. the clothing that represents rugged manliness like soccer shirts) then it just feels so wrong and I feel like I'm lying to my body. However much I've always felt uncomfortable being male, I know that I wouldn't want to be female. I think we just have to accept that this is how things are and that we're never going to change them. I have to accept that I'm never going to get pregnant because constantly fretting over it isn't going to change my biology. And there is more leeway for women to dress outside of the gender boundaries now, so you are free to wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. Silly gender boundaries are silly and we don't need to be bound down by them~(*hug*)
My brother tried to give me crap for going on Lo Estrin to make the cramps less awful and make my period shorter, saying something about elevated levels of hormones in the water from all the birth control. If I could've shot lasers out of my eyes, I would have. YOU DON'T HAVE A UTERUS, DUDE. YOU DON'T GET IT. Who spends several days out of a month curled up in a ball feeling like Superman just punched you in the uterus, a pain which seems to be impervious to advil? YEAH, NOT YOU, MR. "I HAVE A PENIS". >:[ I've ruined enough bedsheets with surprise invasions by the Red Army, thanks. I both wish mine were missing and yet am glad it's not, mostly because I'd be afraid I had something horribly wrong with me. :X And I like kids. I totally want a few someday in the future, when I'm settled and old enough to not particularly miss bar crawls. What gets me is the conflict between that maternal instinct and finding reproduction totally fucking creepy. Like, it annoys me that one gender has to put up with all that shit, even though I know that's Just How Biology Works. I know it's like shaking my fist at the sun and going, "WHY ARE YOU SO BRIGHT AND BURNY, ASSHOLE?" because that's how the universe keeps on a-tickin', but dammit! Why does it all have to be so undignified? Biology is stupid. I think part of my clothes issue is body issues? I don't know. The kinds of things I want to wear (like button-up tops) are generally high-necked, and make it look like my boobs go up to my neck. And when you're a frickin' H-cup, that is a lot of boob. They really take up entirely too much visual real estate and I kind of hate them! Some days, I'm all about the cute tops, with the v-necks and necklaces and all that jazz, and those are a lot more flattering on me. But some days, I don't want to touch them with a ten-foot pole and it pisses me off that I can't wear the kinds of things I want to wear without looking like my torso is made of 50% rack. I don't have sweater kittens. I have sweater tomcats. And it really is not a good look. >.< And Ben replied while I was typing my reply so AWKWARD PARAGRAPH BREAK GOES HERE. Holy crap, you are the male version of me! Oh man. I get kind of jealous of them too, but it freaks me out, because I don't want to want it because it's creepy. But I do anyway. It's a frickin' weird feeling. I'm with you on the clothes. Froofy girly clothes piss me off. I get irrationally angry when I try to go clothes shopping and all that's available to me is men's clothes that fit me awkwardly, or girl's clothes that seem to be sewn out of tissue paper and hope. Or t-shirts. God, am I sick of t-shirts. Can I not have rugged clothing that's cut with boobs in mind? Maybe? At least a little? I'm a girl, not a delicate flower. (SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW MANY FLOWER-PATTERNED THINGS DO THEY REALLY NEED TO SELL? Grawr!) But y'all totally made me feel less weird about this. I'm glad I'm not the only one, even if it's stupidly confusing. <3 Thank you!
