So I am just getting started with tip-toeing my way around experimenting with guys. I gave a much more detailed description of myself when I first joined, be here is the pertinent stuff for this post: I firmly consider myself to be bisexual, so I say experimenting just because I've always envisioned myself with the good old American dream of wife, 2.5 kids, and a dog. But, I am 100% closeted and have only actually discussed these facts with people on here. I am open to the possibility of having a long-term relationship with a man, but if that happens then coming out would obviously be a big part of that process. So, because I've recently moved to a new city, I've decided it's the best time to experiment because I can be relatively anonymous compared to back home, which feels much safer until I'm ready to come out. Others have given me the advice to join a LGBT group, but I just feel uncomfortable with this. The only one I know of is at the campus where I go to grad school, and I just don't feel like risking building up an association that could be potentially discovered by the people I already know. And coming out by accident is something I'd really like to avoid. So, earlier tonight I started up a profile on a couple dating websites. (Side note: things like this make me so happy to be alive now; I can only imagine how agonizing this would be without the anonymity of the internet :lol I have a few requests for advice. First, should be open about all of the stuff I included in my little explanation above? I tend to believe honesty is the best policy, but with the loophole of EVENTUAL honesty. I say this just because I can see all of what I said above being very overwhelming to a new person. So, I guess the real question is how upfront should I be about it? Second, any general pointers for exploring the world of online dating? I used ######### and chemistry.com since their personality matching seemed interesting. I just have the free trial things right now, as I'm not ready to commit to this yet, just testing the waters. Actually...now that I think about it that's about it. I'm the type to run through every possible scenario when I think about things, so I guess it felt like more :lol:. I guess I'm just concerned that other guys might insulted by my closeted-ness. So should this be like an immediate issue I should address right away, or leave it alone and just be honest when it all comes up? My instinct is to wait and just let ourselves to get to know each others' personalities first. So I guess the point of my second question is really whether I'm wasting my time with the online dating? Thanks!
Well, here's the thing. Twice you use the word "experiment". Once you use the term "testing the waters". And once you use the word "anonymous". These aren't words that are bandied about when you talk about wanting to date somebody. Think about it - can you picture somebody expressing interest in dating you, using words like "experiment" and "anonymous"? It'd kinda make you feel like the guy's dirty little secret. However, those ARE words and terms that are commonly used when you're talking about hooking up with somebody. So the first question should be - what exactly are you looking to do? Are you looking to experiment sexually? Or - not to put too fine a point on it - are you looking to get laid, to see if guys really do float your boat? Mind you, I say all this totally without judgment. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get laid. And there's nothing wrong with finding somebody online for the sole purpose of getting laid. It can be a worthwhile (and enjoyable) way to get a bit of real-life sexual experience. No, it won't necessarily answer all your questions. You might end up with a dud in bed (although there are ways to minimize that chance), in which case you're back where you started. But if "experimenting with guys" is really what you're looking to do, I'd suggest looking online for somebody to have sex with, not looking for somebody to date. If you think this IS what you're looking for, I can help you out with that. No, not by being the guy you hook up with. But by giving some pointers on how best to go about it. I don't like putting this information here "in public" on EC, as it's specifically meant for the legal-aged folks. But if you're interested, click on my name to the left there, select "Send Private Message", and let me know. I'll get back to you. If all this was off base, and you really ARE looking for someone to date, well, I've got more to say there. But this is enough for one post. Lex
First I have to correct myself. I used the word anonymous incorrectly. I mean more just secretively from my friends in the sense that the person I might refer to that I'm seeing might be anonymous. As in, I may want to be open about the fact that I'm dating someone to the people around me, but not necessarily tell them that the person is a man, because as I mentioned I am totally closeted. As far as the dating itself, I don't want to be anonymous to HIM. Should have used the word discreet instead of anonymous. And honestly, I would LOVE to find another bisexual guy who would say the same thing to me using words like "experiment." Not because I'm looking for a hookup, but because, as I said, I don't know if a RELATIONSHIP with a guy is what I want. And it is experimenting, because it's something I've never done before, and I'm not sure it's something I want. I guess to make the point clearer, as I said I am fully aware and accepting of the fact that I am physically attracted to both sexes. I also know that I am emotionally attracted to women. But I don't know if I am or have the capacity to be emotionally attracted enough to a man to be in a long-term relationship with him. But, as far as the hook-up thing I in fact specifically DON'T want to do that randomly and anonymously. I'm not a virgin; I am very comfortable with my views on sex in general, and I don't believe that a healthy relationship can start with sex right away. I am, however, a "virgin" to guys I guess, so maybe that makes me rare in the sense that I'm exploring a male-male relationship without ever so much as kissed a man. I dunno I guess it just seems more common to me for guys to experiment with hooking up younger and then being open to a gay relationship later, I just never did.
In that case, I'd say not to fret about it too much. Pretty much everybody you date is an experiment. An experiment to see if you mesh with that particular person. The mistake comes in trying to apply what happened with that person to any larger group. "Well, he was a loser. I'll certainly never again date another guy" or "Asian" or "tall person" or "bottom". Because all the one experience will tell you, if it doesn't go well, is that you were not well suited to date that particular person, at that particular time. It's tempting to try to expand that out to a larger group, but that doesn't make it accurate. Feel free to consider it an experiment, but don't expect any huge answers. If you don't mesh with a guy, it doesn't mean you're straight, or incapable of being in a relationship with a guy. It'll just mean you didn't mesh with him - that's all. So as far as your disclosure goes, feel free to say so, but make sure you phrase it in such a way that it doesn't turn people off right away. As I said above, words like "anonymous" and "experiment" suggest clandestine blowjobs in alleyways, and that apparently isn't the impression you want to make. So I'd suggest saying something like "bisexual 24-year-old interested in finally trying (or getting into) a same-sex relationship." This makes it clear where you are (bi-, new at the gay part) without making the guy feel like he's got to decide your sexuality for you, or meet up with you at the rest area. You might mention that you're "not ready to come out of the closet just yet" in the ad as well. That will make things clear that some discretion might be needed, and will eliminate anybody who finds that a dealbreaker. Lex
Just wanted to say, the whole American dream isn't the same anymore. You can have a husband, 2.5 kids, and a dog.
