Hi all! Just joined and need some advice! Background: 27yrs old and have finally admitted to myself that I am gay. I think I have know for at least 12 years but always wanted "a normal" life. None of my friends or family knows and I do not think any of them suspect. On the outside I am the model of happiness, but I have this inner- self hatred and I tend to get upset (even cry) when I think of being gay. Maybe because I am ashamed but mostly scared. Coming out to my parents will be very easy! My sister came out to our family over 2 years ago and she has received nothing but support. I wish I had a closer relationship with her, she might be able to give support that I very desperately need. Question: My best friend is getting married in a month and I am the best man. He and his family are very, very conservative and completely homophobic. I am very close with his family, I am always invited to family functions and his grandmother sends me gifts every big occasion. His family makes gay jokes and comments all the time, and I just returned from his bachelor party where there is constant "gay bashing" My best friend is a little more open minded, but not much. I need advice regarding the wedding. I do not want to bring it up, since this time should be about him and not me. But I do not want tell him afterward and I be his "best man" and we not be friends anymore. I have come to the actualization that he may not want to talk to me after I tell him, and I do not want the opinions of others to keep me in the closest for 12 more years and never feel satisfied with my life. So my dilemma is whether I should be up front before or wait until h has his day. I know I am going to tell him, but when is the right time. Any advise will be appreciated or if anyone has a similar experience please share. I can't wait to free myself! ~R
If this is a friend you've had for a long time (a number of years), and the nature of your relationship is that both of you are very open with each other on everything (other than your sexuality), then I think I would wait until some time (a month or two) after the wedding has happened to come out to him. The reason I'm saying that is, I think your friendship will transcend any homophobia he has. It may take him a little while to get used to it and be comfortable with it, but I wouldn't judge his likely response by his family's response. And I think that waiting is the right thing to do, because at this stage, a month before the wedding when he's thinking about other things besides your friendship, it might distract or otherwise take his energy away from the wedding, which should be the most important thing. Even if i'm completely wrong about him (and in this case, I'm pretty confident I'm correct), I think throwing something else in the mix for him to think about while preparing for his wedding is not the best choice. Keep us informed.
Ha! you're the same age I was when I came out. Might I suggest you talk to your sister? Maybe this will bring you closer together? At least, talking to someone (anyone!) will really help. Trust me. I also agree with Chip re: holding off until after the wedding. Also, welcome to EC.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'd agree with Chip here. Another 4 weeks isn't a big deal, so just wait. Don't feel guilty or ashamed of this 'secret' becuase it really isn't a big deal. Tell him afterwards when you're ready. He isn't going to disown you. I'm sure of it.
First of all: hi, and welcome to EC! I hope we'll be able to help you with coming out, and of course that you'll have fun hanging around too It's great that you managed to come out to yourself! I used to be in much the same situation until a year ago (when I was 25, not all that much different from 27). Sometimes I think that not being all that noticeably "gay-acting" makes it harder to come out. And definitely harder to give up the idea of what is considered to be a "normal life". In the end, however, being gay doesn't need to be cause for any unhappyness. Living a loving life with a same-sex partner is becoming more and more accepted. Admitting that you're gay can help in just getting more and more comfortable with the idea. The self-hate can be gone remarkably quickly once you're out to yourself. When I first realised I was gay, I at most grudgingly accept it. but after a year, I can't say it bothers me all that much anymore. As for how to handle coming out to your friend: I would agree with Chip. Right now, he's focusing on his marriage. Stepping in and telling him this in a period of stress isn't exactly ideal. And at worst it might even seem like you're "stealing his thunder". After taking some time to come to terms with it, one or two months isn't going to make a difference. Coming out is definitely not a race, so when you do it, just make sure you manage to tell him at a relatively calm moment. That way you can explain that you were always gay, that it took you some time to come to terms with it, and answer any questions he might have. I don't doubt that, even with some initial awkwardness, he'll manage to see that you're still the best friend he always had. Only now he knows a bit more about you. Even if he makes "gay" jokes, that's not always an indication of a deep-seated attitude towards gays. Often people just tend to make them because it's the socially accepted thing to do. I'll echo Adam as well: why don't you consider coming out to your sister? Even if you aren't very close, she might still be a good ally. In fact, this might bring you closer together! Again dragging a personal experience into it, I became closer to my brother after I came out to him. Even if he doesn't entirely understand, he's really supportive when I need help in dealing with something, or just want to rant. From what you tell, it does sound like you're on the right way to coming out and accepting yourself. I'm sure you'll do fine!
Thanks all for the advice!! I really thought that waiting was the best idea, I just have apprehensions because you hopefully only have one best man and I do not want him regretting it once he knows. We were having a political convo about social topics and gay marriage obviously came up. I told him my opinion and he was puzzled so I said "I have not told you but.....my sister is a lesbian" He was like "oh man thank god you did not say you were gay" And then we kept talking about how I thought my opinions had changed since I found out about my sister, and he thinks it is wrong and not a choice. Anyways I would rather ruin a month of his life than him having to look at a wedding picture or video and regret me for the rest of his life. But maybe I am wrong about him and his reactions, I just have this feeling. Maybe it is a "teachable" moment. FYI, he is a captain in the army and his dad is a general so the "gay jokes" come out of their mouths on a REGULAR basis! Thanks everyone for listening!
Welcome to EC! >>>Anyways I would rather ruin a month of his life than him having to look at a wedding picture or video and regret me for the rest of his life. Look, if he wants to kick you out of your life, and scribble over you in all the wedding photos with a Sharpie after the fact, that's his concern. You've put up with a good deal of shit from him and his family over the years. Keep being a good friend to him, and go ahead and come out to him afterwards. If he has issues with that, he has issues with it. Lex
