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All over the map on this.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by The BC, Apr 27, 2010.

  1. The BC

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    I accidentally came out to a close friend. He was/is totally cool with it and nothing has changed between us. He said if I ever needed to talk (about being gay, or anything) I could talk with him. We are close friends but rarely have heart to hearts. I want to talk to him about the possibility of coming out to the rest of my roommates but I am terrified (probably for no good reason) but the thought of being completely emotionally exposed scares the absolute :***: out of me.

    Is it wise for me to do so? I feel like that is a stupid question, 'should I talk to my friend about important life stuff?' I don't want him to write me off as crazy AND gay. This coming out thing turned out to hit me harder than I thought - I've been all over the map with feelings lately. I hear that can be normal but this in between out and not out :***: is killing me. I want to talk to somebody, I could talk to him, I almost prefer a random acquaintance though - simply out of fear. This happen to any of you outed folks?

    Thoughts? Shoot me some pointers. Is there any way to get myself grounded - I feel like a crazy person. :icon_redf
     
  2. Filip

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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, it's perfectly normal to feel like this after coming out! After you spent all this time hiding behind a wall of your own making, being out can feel like being naked and exposed.
    It took me literally months to realise that people knew what I considered to be my darkest secret, and yet didn't mind.
    And keeping your feelings inside for a long time can make you overemotional for a bit once you stop holding them back.

    The trick about actually being out is to realise that being gay isn't this big intimate emotionally exposing thing. Straight people talk about being straight all the time. Mentioning they have a partner, or are pursuing one, or find someone attractive is not seen as a big deal. And neither should talking about being gay! It just takes some practice to occasionally bring it up in minor ways. You'll quickly notice that it's only as big and emotional as you want it to be.
    When I meet my friends, they just ask me whether I'm seeing any guys yet, who I came out to recently, and whether I know X or Y from highschool turned out to be gay as well. All just as friends talking, and not as this big topic that dominates the evening. we usually move to movies and computer games as conversation topics soon afterwards...

    Boiled down to the essence, you're just going to ask your friend a question about how he assesses the situation. How he feels your friends would react. Just ask him in a casual fashion. Something like "you know, it's been bothering me a bit that you're the only one that knows I'm gay. I'm thinking about thinking the other roommates. but I'm not sure how they would react. Do you have any ideas?". and just take the conversation from there. I'm sure you'll be amazed at how easy it goes!
     
  3. Zumbro

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    Filip pretty much has it down. The question it seems like you really want to know is how they're going to react. Unless you plan on moving out soon, the question of coming out basically becomes a "when" rather than whether or not to. If you don't come out, you can never bring a guy home, you'll worry about getting caught looking at guys, worry about dating, etc. Certainly talk with your friend about it, and don't feel bad about asking him. That's what friends are for.
     
  4. Sylver

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    First of all, I think it is an excellent idea to draw him into your confidence, as long as you feel he is trustworthy. Sexuality aside, it is a good idea to have someone you can open up to emotionally, and it sounds like he's opened the door to this. This could move your friendship up to new levels too. Plus it will be very helpful for you to have someone supportive you can talk to as you come out to others. If your intuition tells you it's safe to open up to him, I would go with it.

    As for the feelings, those are perfectly natural! Coming out is a very emotional process because it changes so much in your life. You're redefining yourself - to yourself, as well as to the rest of the world. My advice? Allow yourself to feel these things and stop worrying about being crazy. It will be a whirlwind for a while, but trust me that it eventually calms down, and once it does, you will really enjoy the place you come to - I can say this from experience! :slight_smile:
     
  5. The BC

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    Thanks for all of the insight. It's been a roller coaster of a week and reading your replies have been really helpful.

    I'm not so much worried about what people will think of me because I am gay - in all actuality I don't care - I like guys, so what. The thing that gets me is being perceived as weak and emotional. Coming to accept myself opened me to a whole new world of emotions that I don't really know how to handle yet. I've always been collected emotionally, and presented myself as emotionally stable. Now that I am not (right now), I feel weak and exposed. It's such a strange feeling. I've always been told to deal with things myself, and to 'man up.' Many of the things I'm feeling I've never faced before, and would have never in a million years shared with somebody else.

    My lunch plans fell through due to unforeseen circumstances but have been moved to next week. I am really looking forward to having a supportive environment to talk in person.

    Over the last two weeks I've met a ton of new friends (randomly) - not gay as far as I know. They are all really cool people but it sucks having met them at this time in my life when I am trying to learn how to address the feelings I have instead of ignoring them. I want to be myself, be honest, and open, but I can't be because I'd end up dumping crazy on random new people I met (which is not cool in my book). Needless to say, I am looking forward to coming out to my close friends in the very, very near future so that I can hopefully have a good support network. I am so tired of living this double life - it's gotten me pretty exhausted mentally. It's hard work.

    Anyway, thanks again for your insight. It has been really helpful reading your replies and knowing that I'm going to be fine.

    I was thinking to myself about the coming out process. For close friends, there are two options imo. The slowly rip the band aid off method, and have it be painful, and slow - or the one fell swoop and get the sting over with and move on. I'm going to choose the one fell swoop method. I've had just about enough introspective thought to last me two lifetimes and I need to get the hell out of my head. :thumbsup:

    Overemotional: Check
    Whirlwind of ups and downs: Check
    Sick and tired of this crap: Check
    Ready to get on with my life: Check

    - The BC
     
    #5 The BC, Apr 29, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2010
  6. The BC

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    Well, I ended up having dinner with my friend today. It was a lot easier than I thought to talk to him and I honestly feel worlds better.

    I asked him what he thought the reactions of our friends would be and while most would be chill, there were a few he didn't know one way or the other but said he would think about it. This was really the first sit down we had post coming out to him. I had questions for him, he had questions for me - it wasn't awkward, and he was really supportive.

    I found out some interesting things though. I told him I thought people had suspected my orientation for a while - apparently this was not the case (at least with him). He was shocked when I told him I was gay. He said it made him do a lot of thinking about perceptions he had about gay people (he is a really open minded guy too). Him: "After you told me that all I could do was think, if you are gay and none of us knew, who else do we know is gay? Then I realized I don't really care, but it is interesting because you never fit the stereotype I had envisioned. I thought X was gay, not you, haha." I laughed (X isn't gay btw).

    I talked to him about the knowing somebody is gay, and actually seeing them be gay thing. I told him that I figure if I approach it with confidence others will percieve it as not a big deal - he agreed. I also told him that I get that people will need transition time, just as I did.

    The one thing that made me happier than anything in the world. Him: "I wasn't sure how to take the news at first because I was caught off guard. You are still the same person I've known for all these years. Nothing changes."

    (!)

    - The BC

    P.S. I am in a great mood and life is good. Thanks again for the replies - I can't believe I was so worried about talking to him.