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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 30th Apr 2010, 08:30 AM   #1
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Default I need advice

Last week I made a thread "not sure where this friendship is going". I decided to make a new thread beause the original thread's irrelevant but I could still use advice. Anyway...
I couldn't bring myself to go meet a gay friend (let's call him Michael) and all his friends at a gay setting. Then I felt bad about it, rescheduled and really forced myself to go. Even though nothing special happened, it was the best time I ever had with gay people. Everything was just normal, I felt semi-comfortable and I met some cool gay guys. We spent more time with his straight girlfriends though, so I didn't get to really know the guys.

I must have lost focus and completely forgot that Michal was planning to leave for a few months in April. So it came as a surprise when he told me he was leaving the next day... he'll be back, but I just started to regret all this time I stayed home and didn't go with him and socialize. We may not be THAT close but he's the one person I'm honest with. I don't know his friends well enough to go out with them, but I think it would be nice. But he's gone now.

So... I got back home with mixed feelings, mostly a good feeling about myself putting myself out there. I decided to force myself and go out again. I texted a guy I had met before and didn't click with, could barely even remember him. We decided to go to a bar (the same bar) as friends. It was AWFUL. I didn't enjoy his company at all, and it probably seemed like we were dating or something. I got extremely nervous and uncomfortable again. I was freaking out about people seeing me. It was a complete 180. All my insecurities were back instantly all over again...it was hell.

Then... I notice one of Michael's friends and say hi. I wanted to join him but I didn't want to throw myself at him, plus I was still stuck with the other guy. Who knows what he was thinking. I didn't know if Michael's friend would interpret it the wrong way if I asked for his number since I'm socially retarded when it comes to gay friends. I didn't and I totally regret that because there's no way I'm going with that guy again or alone. I'm really gonna miss Michael...even having one person you're real with, real life, text messages, anything, is important. I'm back to my closet life. I have no idea what I should do next. Honestly, I am tired of this and I have no idea what to do next. I'm not even sure what I'm asking in this thread... just thoughts on this weird week would be nice.

Last edited by EhE5; 30th Apr 2010 at 08:34 AM..
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Old 30th Apr 2010, 10:18 AM   #2
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Default Re: I need advice

I think y ou're thinking too much about it. And going out with a guy who you didnt click with before, in most cases will just cause you to not click again.

Michael will be back, and then you'll have access to his friends again. You probably should have gone and said hi and asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime. To be honest, people overthink things a lot and you just gotta think about things in this way: "What would I do if he asked for my number?" "how would I feel?" in most cases you wouldnt mind, even if you werent interested in someone, you'd be ok and probably flattered if someone asked you for your number. Everyone has this thought like everyone else is more together than they are, but that's not true, we're all nervous and insecure and uncomfortable a lot, so when someone comes along and ignores those things we start to feel a lot better about ourselves.
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Old 30th Apr 2010, 10:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: I need advice

You don't necessarily need to wait for Michael to get back to go out again. Maybe there are LGBT youth groups in your area you could participate in. Something like that...
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Old 30th Apr 2010, 11:05 AM   #4
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Default Re: I need advice

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I think y ou're thinking too much about it. And going out with a guy who you didnt click with before, in most cases will just cause you to not click again.

Michael will be back, and then you'll have access to his friends again. You probably should have gone and said hi and asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime. To be honest, people overthink things a lot and you just gotta think about things in this way: "What would I do if he asked for my number?" "how would I feel?" in most cases you wouldnt mind, even if you werent interested in someone, you'd be ok and probably flattered if someone asked you for your number. Everyone has this thought like everyone else is more together than they are, but that's not true, we're all nervous and insecure and uncomfortable a lot, so when someone comes along and ignores those things we start to feel a lot better about ourselves.
That's so true and so frustrating. I was actually glad to see him and I don't even know if it showed. Maybe if I knew him a BIT better I'd be more confident to suggest joining him (I met him outside). I don't wanna be annoying. As for Michael, he'll be back in 6 to 12 months. I can't depend on one person. I want to come out when I'm fully comfortable with myself, a year is way too long to wait.

As for the other guy, I knew we probably wouldn't click. I just thought if I forced myself to go out no matter what, I would get a chance to meet other guys too.
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Old 30th Apr 2010, 11:08 AM   #5
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You don't necessarily need to wait for Michael to get back to go out again. Maybe there are LGBT youth groups in your area you could participate in. Something like that...
Actually, the guy I just went out with is part of the LGBT youth group in my area. I'll pass... but I agree I have to give it one more shot, I just don't know how.
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Old 30th Apr 2010, 12:43 PM   #6
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Default Re: I need advice

Call, email or text Michael and ask for the phone numbers of the gay guys whose company you enjoyed. Contact them and tell them you enjoyed hanging out with them, and you don’t know many gay people. Let them know you would love to do it again. Don’t be afraid to tell people you are newly out and hope to make some gay friends. We were all there at one time, and you may be surprised how nice and welcoming people will be. I did that when I first came out and little by little, I made a nice circle of gay friends. Now, when I go out, I almost always run into people who I know and am friendly with.
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Old 4th May 2010, 08:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: I need advice

I’m glad to read that you did manage to go out with Michael and had a good time.
It’s good to have a gay friend to force you out of your comfort circle and ease you into new circles of friends. If it wasn’t for one friend dragging me (kicking and screaming at first ) to gayer places, I would still be locked in my room every night myself…

And it’s really not all that extraordinary that the second time went bad. You went with someone you didn’t click with, and then force yourself to spend the entire evening with him. Even if you went to the awesomest place in the whole world, bad company can ruin everything.

I think you’re overanalysing social situations. That’s not uncommon. I’m a massive overanalyser myself. But one thing I learned is that most people genuinely like just striking up conversation. And that you’re very unlikely to come off as annoying by just having a short conversation. You just need to get over your anxiety.
So you saw this friend of Michael’s. It’s not wrong to show that you like seeing a familiar face. You could just have told your friend that you saw someone you knew, went over there and just asked him “So, you’re a friend of Michael’s, right?” or “It’s nice to see a familiar face, even if we met only in passing. Do you come here often?”. Yes, those are kind of clichéd conversation starters, but they work. Usually they do lead to at least a short conversation. After which it’s easier to exchange telephone numbers. Yes, it might feel like intruding a little, bur always remember that other people weren’t born with their friends either. They met in the same way: by talking to a stranger one day.

Now, of course, that’s water under the bridge. You didn’t talk to that guy. But it’s not too late to get to know his friends either. Obviously, if he tried to get you together with his friends at his birthday party, and if he had told them about you beforehand, Michael likes the idea of you knowing his friends. Why not ask him his input? Where they hang out, how he thinks they would react if you would join them for an evening… He might have some good ideas. He could be your “gay coach”, every so often.

Above all, don’t worry. For quite a long time, I was exactly where you are. I found that it does take some searching, and bad experiences can and do happen, but it gets a lot better after you made a few more friends.
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Old 4th May 2010, 09:21 AM   #8
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Default Re: I need advice

I'll second S5's advice. Say you had a great time with his friends, and that's something you've really been lacking in your life. Ask if he can share some contact info with you so you can continue getting out there and meeting people. I can't imagine he'd have an issue with that.

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