Hi everyone ! i haven't been active on EC in this last couple of months; thought that i had no problems with my life.. but recently; i feel kinda ackward with my self; i relized that i have became socially withdrawn from my friends and isolating my self alot; i have accepted my self being gay and i have no problems with that; but recently this week i started hating my self; blaming my self on every failuare that happens in my life; i feel that no body cares about me, offcourse my parents do but still; i feel i am emotionally not connected to them and seeing me not crying or complaining means i am ok.... well i'm not; i just feel like keeping all my problems to my self; and now my head is exploding now ... well; in real life; i do want to tell my friends my problems but it seems that they have their own problems to deal with and every time i try to talk or express how i feel when i feel really down my friends just ... well i can't explain this part but it feels like they are busy or not lsning to you; well; currently in my city i am not out to any1 (the ones who i told left my city ) well i do have 1 gay friend but it seems like he is really busy with his boyfriend and our friendship is kinda complex and falling apart this is a bit of a long story but to make it short i feel like his bf is trying to make him avoid contacting me well i guess its because his bf wanted to cheat on him with me (and i refused, telling him he is my friend and i can't do that). so basically i have no one to talk to... to be honest i am kinda of a loner too, i like spending most of the time alone.. i am sorry; i feel like i am not making any sense here and mayb i could have bored; u here.. but this is because i feel i am lost and i dunno who i am anymore.. i feel like i am jumping from topic to topic but i just have so many things in my head now and its getting me; wants in my head right now is: mom i wish if you could stop shouting everyday and smile for once.. i haven't seen u smile in ages and ur always in a bad mood... bro.. please stop shouting with my mom and dad and being a dick head... i hate u to be honest and stop saying i look bad or i am doing wrong things.. i have a mind of my own and i can do what ever i want ok? friends : i have always been nice to you guys and being friendly all the time with u and trying to make u smile and laugh.. why do u keep your distance from me? its not like i am a freak or something... i kno i am random in topics and boring @ some point but i am trying my best to give u a good company.. i always cared about ppl's feelings than mine.. yet i am isolated.. i dunno.. my head just went blank out of sudden.. i am sorry; i am just tired and i need some1 beside me right now,, some1 who will say its ok and all... sorry; ec members to bore u with this.. i am not asking u to read this or reply ,, i just wanna clear my head.. writing this makes me feel i am talking to some1 thou i am self talking my self writing this ..
Hey man, I just want you to know you're not the only one who has these problems. I felt the same way about a lot of my friends... I have no one to talk to really about my problems either, which is why I'm here I guess. It can be really hard to deal with stuff like this when you have no one you can really turn to. I'm guessing it feels like your friends are more friends with eachother than they are for you? Really, the only thing I can think of to solve it is to find new friends. Which seems impossible right now, but I guarantee you that if you allow yourself to find new people at school or wherever, you will find people who care about you just as much as you care about them. That's not to say there will always be people who want to listen to your problems. I'd be the biggest hypocrite if I said you should get a therapist, because I cant make myself do it. We all need someone to talk to, so just come here and write if that's what you need. I think you'll be surprised how many people actually want to help and listen. Personally, I enjoy helping people and listening to people's problems.
I'm sitting in a very similar position than yours (the parallel impressed me, with the difference I havent accepted completely the fact I'm gay). In the last months I have also withdrawn myself from my friends and society. I also feel awkward with myself, sometimes I wish I was someone else. I feel completely alone and I wish I had someone to talk to and get all the things I'm feeling out of my chest. Unfortunately, I keep a false facade to the outside world. I pretend I'm happy and keep a smile in my face, especially to my parents. I have done that for years and I do it because I dont want to give them more problems than what they already have. But now I feel like a stranger when I'm with them. Last time I went home (I live in a different country than them), I felt more like a guest than a son, because I'm just trying make the host think everything is ok. And how I feel with my friends, this is a good way to describe it . One day I tried to talk with them about how I was feeling, but they didnt take it seriously and made fun of me. I feel it's unfair that I have to hide all I feel to please other people, and I guess you kinda feel the same way (apologize me if i'm wrong). It's like a sweet and sour feeling, I think I'm doing the right thing making other people happy, but the cost of their happiness is my loneliness and isolation. I have become determined to change this. I realized that I need more self-confidence and stop been so hard with myself. I used to blame myself for everything, but now i think there are things that are out of my control and that I'm not the one responsible for them. The only thing I can do about is stand up if life makes me fall. Life isn't perfect, the only thing we can do is work hard to obtain the things we want. I also started searching for things that make me happy about myself. It has helped a lot. Also I openned my eyes and hears to the outside world. What I mean is that some times we dont see that people actually appreciate us and care about us. We think they dont care. But if you look closer you can see that your family and friends are actually concerned about you and that you occupy a space in their life. sry for making this so long...good luck and I hope things get better for you
well; as i mentioned before; i had this gay friend who seems to avoid me because of his boyfriend influence, his boy friend wanted to sleep with me and he got my number i dunno from where and used to call me @ night... but i didn't tell my friend that because he loved him so much.. later on when i call my friend it usually goes like this : "Umm,, yes.... uh ... uh.. ok i'm sorry i am busy with my boyfriend" and when ever he calls its usually when they have a fight; my classmates: because i am the only one who came from a different school; alot of my university friends seem to come from a same school which means they are old circle of friends; i tried to approach and mix with them; but it isn't easy; :tears: thanks again for your comment
I am, in exactly the same position, except like above i Am not sure of myself, though, and Im younger lol, i also have less friends, and i just plain dont have the guts to talk to people fully, and really talk to anyone, now i feel hopeless writing this lol,
I feel that exact same way, though i dont fully accept myself Am younger and yeah, dont have many friends, and Am not Good at making them, just typing this makes Me feel slightly hopeless, i just dont get why me but yeah, my parents are slightly nicer than some but my mom yells and nags alot, and my dad doesnt like gays, now my friends, some of mine ignore me and are more aquantince, and the others i cant talk to about this, because im not out i had this one friend, who said he had deep feelings for men but he showed he hated himself for it and basically turned away from it all, he makes moves on Me then turns away yelling his disire for keeping one with god and having no sins on his shoulders, and Or that he wants a normal american family, so he confuses Me, and now i feel like Im rambling like a moron, well, i have to say, sorry for bothering you all but idk what to do, and sorry for practically starting post but im on phone and sorry for no advice
Yes; this is exactly how i feel about my self; the sweet feeling comes from my fake smiles and laughs and trying to put a positive atmosphere around me; (althought i don't fake up my happyness most of the time). the main reason i withdrawn my self; is because i feel that the person inside me around the people is not the real; me and fearing that they will reject my true self. right now i feel happy and ok but i kno that after 12 hours or 1 day i will return to my negative thinking and isolation. Even thou isolating my self is really bad; sometimes i take a huge pride out of it (this sounds weird) but the best thing about it is not meeting some assholes gay guys from the net. some times it makes me feel peacefull and clean about my self; but deep inside me i kno that i shouldn't ignore the gay side inside me . to share what i did this week : this week no one called me on my cellphone (even 2 weeks b4 that lol) so i was really bored; i didn;t have any1 in mind to go out with; so i went out to the mall and went to some electronic shops to check the lastest gadgets. << i did that all alone; i always go out alone; which sucks alot :S !!! i really hate having an icecream all alone, going to your favourite resturant and sitting in a table all alone. no one to give u company @ all :S or walking in street all alone.. i have been doing this the past 6 months and it sucks big time but what to do.. its not that i am a freak; or acting gay; (i act totally str8) its just that i feel i lost communication with the outside world;.. anyway; i think i talked to much too xD; sorry to brag about my life XD!! u can share guys some stories here too would love to hear some ^^ and i am really sorry; for the late reply , i didn't have privacy because my brother is sharing my room now :/
