Hey guys how's it going? I've been lurking these forums for quite a while now so I decided to make an account. I guess I'll introduce myself: My name is Matt, I'm 21 years old, and I'm gay. It's not an easy thing for me to admit, even online. I'm completely in the closet, I have not told or even hinted my sexuality to anyone. In a strange way the fact that I haven't told anyone almost makes it not seem real. As if I won't actually be gay until I say I am, which is silly I know. My plan is to just go through life convincing people that I'm straight, but it's gonna just so happen that I'll never get married, or even have a girlfriend. I've even gone out with a female friend to the movies and stuff (just as friends), and let my parents assume it was a date. I've starting wondering if this is the direction I really want to take. On one side I don't want to lose the few good friends I have, the support of my family, my credibility with everyone else, and all the effort I put into hiding it. On the other side, my self-esteem and confidence level have always been pretty low, I have to wonder how much my current actions are to blame for that. I'm also curious what it would be like to find someone... but I don't know how realistic that is. As ridiculous as it may sound, some of my nightmares involve someone I know finding out I'm gay, and me not being able to refute it. I just feel like there's always something weighing me down or eating at me. I think it'll only get worse if I stay the course I'm on, but right now I don't see any way out.
Hey there! I know when I first started coming out it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...it's still hard for me to do. I would always think about their reaction before I told them as if the reaction that was in my mind was the only reaction that was going to occur. I personally don't think you should keep it hidden from yourself and others. You'll always feel incomplete and it could end up depressing you more than it already is. There will be so many people who will take it better than you could have ever expected! I think you're just over-thinking it. I have no doubt that you'll find someone who will accept you for who you are and not your sexual orientation. Who knows...it could be the best decision you ever make! I wish you the best of luck with your decisions!!(*hug*)
Not really. Being gay is as much a cultural identifier as anything else (epidemiologists and sociologists use MSM and WSW for that reason. Plenty of people who identify, even when asked in total privacy, as "straight" have sex with people of the same gender). So if no one knows, you can bask in the assumption of heterosexuality and feel affirmed as straight. There's more than a little evidence that being closeted is majorly damaging to self-esteem. Since I don't know your friends and family, I can't tell how probable it is that they'll reject you. However, you won't lose credibility. People understand that coming out is hard, they get it. And don't think of it as losing the work you've done to stay closeted. Think of it as taking off a pair of Chinese handcuffs. You struggle and struggle, pulling farther and farther, then realize that all you have to do is give in to escape. It sucks. It rocks. It makes you happy, it makes you miserable. All those dumb cliches from love stories, the ones that have to be exaggerations cause they're too ridiculous to possibly be true? Um, yeah, they happen. It's exactly like the stupid stories. And it can happen while closeted...although as far as I'm concerned, dating in the closet sucks; I strongly advise against it.
Hey, Welcome to EC, and first off, congrats on having the courage to join and to post. That in itself is a big step. For what it's worth, I'll tell you that quite a number of the people here felt like you did at one point in their lives, and there are plenty here who still feel exactly that way. The process of coming out is fraught with fear and with loss... fear that our families, friends, or those who love us will abandon us, fear that we're somehow "defective' or damaged or not good enough because we're "different", and, eventually, when we own our sexuality, the losses -- the loss of our identity as "straight" the loss of being "normal" (i.e., like the 90 some percent of the population that identify as straight), the perceived loss of having the typical family with a wife and 2.7 children and a house with a white picket fence. All of those are challenges that each of us who are gay or lesbian (or bi or transgendered) must go through. And it seems daunting and perhaps impossible when you look at it... but you approach it one step at a time, and one day at a time. You don't need to come out until you are ready. You don't have to do that ever if you choose not to. But you'll be much happier in the long run, and an overwhelming majority of people who come out find that they don't lose their friends, or their family, or lose respect, or anything else. In time, it will become easier to think about and talk about being gay, whether or not you choose to come out. So use this community to explore those feelings, to talk about your fears and concerns, and, as you are ready, to take whatever steps you feel you're ready for in wherever your path leads you.
Ahhh....I know the feeling. Im in same boat...I do have gay friends...that know I'm gay...but I do all my "business" outta town. In other words, I live two different lives. It took me a while to accept that I was in fact gay, and it was pretty scary for me when I finally accepted it...and i am comfortable with it. I am gay...and that's just how it is. I don't question it or get angry about it...it's just who I am. The closet is a tough place to live (I'm still there)...but to each his own. I get terrified too at the thought of other people finding out...but one day I know they will, and I'm becoming more comfortable with that...but I've been going through this for years. You are going to go through a wave of emotions in the coming days, moths, etc. I know I did when I first admitted it to myself. Everyone must live their own lives and come out on their own terms. Don't rush anything...you first have to become comfortable with everything. Admitting that you are gay and accepting you are gay are two different things. I always knew I was gay...it took me a while to accept it. I did just hear a quote on a movie that seemed fitting: "If you hide behind a mask too long you forget who is behind the mask"
Hello! I think Chip got most of it, so I'm going to tell you a little bit about me. I know how you feel. A few months ago, before I joined EC, I was feeling the same way.Although I came out to myself, which freaked me out, I refused to be gay. I thought that I could hide the "gay part" of me somewhere deep inside me and live a "perfect" straight life ( I dreamt of having five children, I still do). After joining EC, I finally started to accept the fact that I'm gay. I have done some progress, but I think it's going to take some time. Reading the threads helps a lot. It has helped me build up confidence about being gay. So I recommend you to stay here for a while and read the posts. People here are wonderful and have great advices. They are very helpful. Good luck
Hello,and welcome. Im sure many of us here can relate to your current position,i for instance only came out last year at 41.We like to think of it as our own BIG secret,but many people including family will have there suspicions if you have got to 21 without dating girls etc. Although there is no rush to force yourself to come out im fairly sure you will know when you are ready,as many of us have.Something will keep nigling away at you until you WANT to tell someone and this is the best time to do it. If you keep reading posts on EC you become more comfortable of who you are and this in turn gives you the confidence to tell people. We always fear the worst about anyone finding out we are gay,but in reallity most people just dont care and quite possibly have suspected it for a while.Remember sexuality is not a big issue to straight people(they dont need to come out) and i have found they cant understand why we find the whole issue awkward and embaracing. I would suggest trying to meet a few gay people,make some friends and have a bit of support from people who understand what your going through.Have a look for LGBT suport groups or other local places where you can meet people in you position,this idea may make you feel uncomfortable incase anyone you know sees you there.People at LGBT groups WONT normally out others as they have been there and know the dificulties you have.If you get comfortable with yourself and being around others like you that fear just fades away.In 12 months time you will probably (as many of us do)think if people have a problem with gays then that is their problem to deal with and not your fault. All the best whatever you decide to do,but please dont make yourself lonely and miserable just to hide it,as in my experiance you end up telling others eventually and the older you get the more lies you have to tell to cover your tracks.Once you confide in one person its like a weight liting from your shoulders,then(for me)you want to tell more and get it out of the way so your free to live your life.
Hi there, and welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto. I'm glad you've started to wonder if this is the right path to take. I can tell you right now that I'm pretty sure it isn't. As Chip said - most of us don't lose any friends when we come out. We don't lose the respect or the love of our family members. And we certainly don't lose credibility. We gain it. People are usually impressed with our courage and our honesty, and they are honoured to have been told about this very important yet very private aspect of our lives. Hiding your sexuality from others generates shame and embarassment and a lack of confidence. Why? Well why aren't you telling them in the first place? It's because somewhere inside you feel shame and embarassment about being gay - otherwise you'd tell them. So you need to get over that. Hanging out here in EC is a great start. You'll see that we're a pretty cool bunch of people - 'despite' being gay. :icon_wink In fact, we're a pretty awesome bunch. So if we can be awesome and gay at the same time, so ca you! And what would it be like to find someone? Amazing. I didn't have a relationship with anyone until I was in my mid 20s, and then it was with a woman - because that's what guys were supposed to do, right? So I got married to this wonderful woman, had a couple of kids, bought a dog, a nice home, two cars, and yet I was still not happy. Finally I concluded that I was gay, and I've made a new life for myself. And I met someone. And I've never been happier than I am right now. I was in my mid 30s before I started to work all this stuff out, and I've just celebrated my 39th birthday. Life is really, really awesome for me right now BECAUSE I've come out and I'm living an honest and authentic life. Take your time. There's no hurry either - so do what feels right for you. And again - welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.
Howdy - My name is Mike and I'm an advisor so feel free to PM me. I took the "fake it 'til you make it" approach for 36 years. From age 10 to 46. I ended up in an unrelenting state of depression that medication would not relieve. I knew the cause. I finally became desperate enough to begin coming out. I am into the process but am working through the consequences of my choices - especially the impact on my wife. This is a really painful journey for someone I love very much. You can see the details of this journey in my various threads. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you if EC had existed in 1984 when I was 21 my life would have unfolded much less painfully - for me and for others. Peace,
Well, here's the issue. What ARE you going to do, sexually? Maybe meet up with somebody for some anonymous sex once in awhile? Or if you end up dating, will you tell him your friends and family all died in a fire? Will you tell him that your social life is none of his business? Because your sexuality is only a complete secret as long as you never have to act on it. Take a second and think about the entire "coming out" thing for a minute. Why do people come out? Some sort of solidarity move? They want to march in a pride parade? They want to put a rainbow sticker on their car? Actually, for most of us, it was none of those. (Not that there's anything wrong with those.) It was actually to simplify our lives. Honestly, the actually "coming out" isn't that big a deal. It's simply something to get to the other side of. Because at that point, life gets a lot easier. You don't have to play pronoun games. You don't have to try to remember who knows what, or what lies you told to what people. You can tell your friends, your family, your co-workers "Yeah, I'm dating a new guy" or "I'm having trouble finding a boyfriend" or "Me and Fred broke up". And these same friends and family members can offer encouragement and support when you need it, rather than having to keep everything to yourself. Of all the "comings out" I've been privy to over the years, I have yet to have anyone "lose credibility". Yes, some friends might become distant, although that happens less than you might think. But nobody does so because "Fred lied to me". They do so because they've got some major issue with gay people. I don't think credibility has ever factored in. I'm not saying you should rush to come out. You're obviously not in the right spot yet. It sounds like you're still looking at your sexuality as a curse, as a major weight you'll always have to deal with. But for many of us, being gay is a blessing. We don't feel confined by being gay. We feel liberated. Sure, there are obstacles involved with being gay - there are obstacles involved with being straight, too. But we simply deal with the obstacles, and get back to living our lives. Perhaps we can get you to that spot, too. Lex
I won't lie to you, some people are able to go through life pretending to be straight. But you say your self esteem and confidence levels are pretty low and faking it is bound to make it even lower. I'm not going to say which one of the paths are right for you; different people choose either one of them for different reasons. Like many others have said though I do think it would be less mentally and emotionally draining to work towards accepting your gayness and coming out.
Hey guys, Wow I'm surprised how many replies this received. You have no idea how much just reading what you all had to say has helped. Just being able to tell people these things, even though it's not in person, and have them relate is pretty comforting. This is exactly how I've been feeling whenever I think about the fact that I'm gay. I know it's probably not right, but I just can't convince myself otherwise. It's definitely going to take some time. I'm a Junior in college now, but when I first started as a freshman I almost did exactly this. I thought "Hey I'm in college and away from home. I need to start making my own choices and try to face this challenge right away. If I don't do it now, I don't think I ever will." I actually went to the support groups booth on campus during orientation. I walked up to them, met one of the organizers, and then just felt this overwhelming fear and disappeared into one of the many crowds of people wandering around. Needless to say I've never gone back yet. That's the outcome I'm really hoping for. It sounds like you had a really rough journey to get to where you are now. It's encouraging to hear that things seem to be working out for you in the end. I've told a lot of lies to cover my tracks. I could just see my parents/friends saying "If you lied to me/us about all this, what else could you have done/lied about?". I obviously don't fully depend on my parents anymore, but I still care about them. I guess you're right though when I think about it, if they have a problem with me being gay, those feelings would take precedence over the fact that they were being deceived. It's getting late now, so I just want to say thank you for all the valuable advice and insight. I definitely plan to stick around for a while.
>>>I've told a lot of lies to cover my tracks. I could just see my parents/friends saying "If you lied to me/us about all this, what else could you have done/lied about?" People understand this, actually, even if they're not gay. They understand lying or evading questions in order to prevent people from finding out. And when the person eventually DOES find out, again, I don't think I remember people responding with a "you deceived me" sort of claim. Occasionally, they'll feel a bit hurt, but in the way that means "you should know you can tell me ANYTHING - you don't have to hide things from me." It's a bit of a selfish response, but it's an understandable one. Lex
Hello, and welcome to EC! There's a lot of good advice in this thread, and I agree with it all. It's hard coming to terms with being gay, and often there's a whole process between finding it out for yourself and actually being open about it to others. Just never think that it's too late or that you lied for too long. I was 25 before I came out (which is still young compared to some others in this very thread). That's a lot of years of lying. I lied about being gay. I lied to cover up my lies. I even lied for the heck of it, to prove to myself that I could get away with any lies I invented. In the end, it seemed like I spent too much time building up an image that wasn"'t the real me, and that there was no way that I could come out and get back to honesty without ruining my life, friendships ad family. And yet, a year later, after coming out to most, it proved remarkably easy to do. Yes, telling some people was hard. And with some it was awkward for a time. And some were sad or amazed that I was so afraid to tell them. But in the end, I'm happier now than I ever was. And my friends and family see that as well. And they're just happy for me that I managed to get to grips with it and start living the way I want to. If there's anything I've never had, it's recrimination for taking the time to figure it out. But as Lex said, maybe you're not there yet. Maybe you're still bargaining about how gay you'll allow yourself to be. Bargaining is one of the stages of dealing with something. But the good thing is that it isn't a race. There's no universally right time to come out, no universally right course to follow. Hopefully hanging around here and talking to people will help you in figuring things out for yourself!
I'm beginning to come to terms with me being bisexual. The first person who I admitted to being bisexual was a good friend and she has decided to still be my friend. I understand the difficulties of accepting who you are. You will not lose your credibility, trust me. Embrace you who are and all humans struggle with their journey through life, we just happen to be gay or whatever you want to be.
