So its been almost a year since I first came out to my best friend and my parents. They, my sister, another good friend, and my grandmother all know about me now. Six people in all, the important people in my life. Unfortunately my parents and I haven't spoken on the topic since Christmas, and my grandmother is convinced I'm just confused and will find a nice college professor 10 yrs my senior to fall in love with. According to her, I just need some male who is mature enough for me. As you can probably tell I disagree. My two friends and my sister have been supportive but none of them live near me so I can't act like myself the majority of the time. I think this, along with some other factors is inhibiting the "acceptance" process. In fact, I feel as if I've made zero progress since initially coming out and have just managed to confuse myself more. If I could go back a year, I would have done things differently. I think I would have told my friend still, but then I would have sought counseling because I don't think I was really ready to come out. I didn't have a strong enough foundation to stand on when my parents started asking if I was sure and so I've done nothing but question myself this past year. I know there is no way to turn back time, and in some ways I'm glad I went ahead and talked to my parents, but at the same time I'm frustrated with the way things turned out. I am just the kind of person that needs a definitive answer for things, something black and white. I realize this is a ridiculous expectation, and that a lot of people say they just know somehow. I guess I wish I "just knew" because then maybe some of these pieces would fall into place. Sorry, but I was feeling kinda depressed after this weekend and needed to vent.
Allow me to open this commentary by saying that there are no absolutes. That said, I think you're being both a bit too hard on yourself, and also a bit too reserved. I say the first part because although coming out the first time for me had some great relief and emotion attached to it, it wasn't until a good part of the way into the process (and let's remember, coming out is a process, not an event) until I started to get the "big picture" as it were. For me, as I was more comfortable with telling people that I was gay, and more of them knew, I became more willing to and comfortable with exploring facets of myself and the "gay culture" that I had never been willing to consider before. The point I'm trying to make here is that this all takes a bit of time, so there's no need to berate yourself because it didn't seem as though someone flipped a light switch. The second part of my statement, regarding being too reserved, sort of ties into what I was saying above. You've gotta start living for you, living your life, as you feel it should be lived. I fully encourage, as you put it, being yourself. I'm not necessarily trying to dictate any particular actions, but feel free, hell, feel compelled, to explore. Does your city have a gay newspaper? If it does, read it. Maybe try making some other like-minded friends. Put a gay pride sticker on your car. If gay or gay-relevant topics come up in conversation, talk about them, honestly and openly. Mind you, those are just some ideas. Only you know what's right for you and your personality. What I'm saying is that if you're out to these people, you have no reason to be scared to hide who you truly are. If you continue to ignore it, that will only give other people reason to do the same.
I completely agree with you on the being too reserved part. I don't think I'm being too hard on myself though, its just the way I am. I'm naturally a reserved person, but not all of that is currently self-imposed. I'm having to hide myself because if the administration at my college found out about me I'd be kicked out, and well I'm a senior this year and I just want to graduate. On the verge of sounding paranoid, I'll tell you that I'm not even completely sure that being on this website is a good idea. I know our administation plays big brother and if they were to ever stumble across my activity on this website, I'd be done. As to why I would go to such a school in the first place, well when I came here as a freshman I hadn't given much thought to my sexuality and therefore didn't see it as a problem. However, I have a car now and it affords me certain freedoms I haven't had before so maybe this year I'll get a chance to figure myself out.
