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Issues with my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Goliath, May 6, 2010.

  1. Goliath

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    Hi, I'm 21 years old, turning 22 this June and I still live with my parents. My parents are pretty old, my mom is 60 and my dad is 74 (Yeah...).

    I came out of the closet to them when I was 19 years old so they've had some time to think about it, get over it, discuss etc.

    Point is though that they're still very insecure about it. My mother asks me on occasions if this isn't just a phase and my father repeatedly tells me not to tell anyone I'm gay (I don't follow that advice but I don't think many of his relatives know though).

    My father also talks about homosexuals as if they're lesser people. He told me today that me being gay was the biggest disappointment in his life. I have an identical twin brother who is straight so it's not like he's not getting grand children. He's always really angry at me and ordering me around. My father is also constantly telling me that I will get some STD and that all homosexuals die of AIDS.

    But on the other hand they also say that they love me and want the best for me.

    I was wondering for how much longer I should keep up with this? Should I move away or try to educate them (believe me I've tried a lot though).

    I'm going to work in California this summer (at Caltech :icon_bigg ) and my father tells me that I shouldn't come out of the closet there. He says that I shouldn't tell anyone because someone will kill me... I don't believe him and I want to join an LGBT club there if it's possible. Aren't people generally pretty tolerable towards homosexuals in California?
     
    #1 Goliath, May 6, 2010
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  2. blue lagoon

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    First off, congrats on getting into a job at Caltech!

    Has your dad been to California at all?!? I'm from Southern California, and as far as I know I've had no problems or know of anyone who has has major problems being gay here. However, that does not mean that there aren't any intolerable people here (remember, you are moving to the land of the infamous Prop 8). In your case though, I see no problems in you being fully out here in SoCal, especially in a place like Pasadena. In any case, I did a short google search and found the Caltech LGBT club. That looks like a good place to start if you want to meet some new friends at Caltech.
     
  3. Goliath

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    Thanks, I will definitely check Prism out! :slight_smile:

    My dad hasn't been to California so he's just paranoid as far as I'm concerned. I was the first homosexual he got to know in life so his image of homosexuals is very biased. I've been trying to fix that without success though :/
     
  4. padre411

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    Okay, clearly he doesn't know much about California. All stereotypes aside, it is very highly unlikely that anything will happen to you because you are gay.

    I believe there is something biological and evolutionary about the pressure to leave home. The turbulence of hormones and teenage angst all create pressure to move out on our own. Maybe that is part of your answer - not as some sort of angry protest, but as a natural progression in who you are. I know finances can make this difficult but it may be worth working towards this.

    I think the best way to educate your parents is for them to see you living your life comfortably and fully as a gay man.

    peace,
     
  5. Lexington

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    At the risk of belaboring the point, your father is 74. He belongs to a different generation. There's absolutely no issue being gay at Caltech, or nearly every college in America for that matter.

    Yeah, I'd start working on becoming independent. Not solely because of your parents' homophobia, but because it sounds like it's about time, anyway. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. beckyg

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    I'm not sure where you are from....Reykjavík? Where is that? Anyway....yes I think you will be fine in California. Your parents are reacting out of fear of the unknown. It happens to all of us. You definitely SHOULD educate them. Download the PFLAG materials or get them the book "Now that you Know". The more that they know about sexual orientation the more their fears will be diminished.
     
  7. Phoenix

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    Reykjavik is the capital of Iceland.

    To answer your question, original poster, from what I know about California it is like almost all of the states; people are fine towards homosexuals in major urban centers. Since you're going to Caltech though there should be no reason why you should have any trouble, colleges are generally very accepting of diversity.
     
  8. Revan

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    I think you should print out information for your Dad from websites like the PFLAG website. Right now too, HIV is extremely high in the heterosexual African women population...dunno why I'm just saying that's what statistics show. Just do some research to help your Dad, because he probably only knows what the conservative shows and such show as "gay"
     
  9. Goliath

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    Hi all. Thanks for the advice, it has definitely been helpful.

    I'll print out information on PFLAG and show it to him. Unfortunately he doesn't speak English so I'll have to let my mom read it for him but I think they will both learn from it.

    I've discussed moving out of the house with my parents but they want me and my brother around to help them with stuff at home. Either way I started a savings account today to save money when I move out, I think it's time I start to think rationally about this because yeah, I'm turning 22 soon.
     
  10. seadog

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    Hey Gol,

    Having a parent tell you your value is zip, zero, zilch hurts. Go watch the movie "Walk the Line" about the Johnny Cash story and you can see just how easy it is for parents to screw up the kids they love.

    My hope and prayer is that you value yourself far beyond what you are told. I have just begun to rehab the feelings and value I have for myself. My negative sense of self worth came from different origins (child growing up in an alcoholic-infested-dysfunctional environment full of put downs, etc) but I am beginning to let myself emerge as the person God created. As for your folks, they may be a long term project. it is only human nature for us to be come comfortable with our judgments as we age. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be yourself and challenge them to love you for who you are. No hiding permitted. Impossible? You never know if you don't try. Just don't let their statements translate into how you value the man you are.