I am still in the process of accepting being gay. Since I joined EC I have done a lot of progress towards accepting myself. I finally think that being gay is not bad/evil as society tells us and that it's ok to be gay. Unfortunately, all that progress is stained with a sense of failure. I mean, I feel that if I accept I'm gay, I have failed myself and my family (I can't explained easily with words. It is like when you get a bad grade in an exam, but being straight is an A and being gay an F). I don't know how to get over that feeling. Is time the only solution? Or should I come out to someone I trust to get some support? I dont know. Sometimes I feel I'm overthinking this and making it harder than what it is. Well, at least I'm not stressing too much about it as I was some few weeks ago, but it is like a bitter taste in my mouth that I can't get rid off.
Time is part of the solution, but it's not the whole thing. You have to use that time productively. Try catching yourself having negative thoughts about being gay/failing your family and replacing them. That's how my counselor had me deal with negative thought patterns; it's surprisingly succesful. You should definitely come out to someone you trust, having someone there for you is really helpful. You'll feel less alone, too. Finally, I recommend counseling. Some LGBT centers offer counseling, as do many schools, colleges and universities. If those aren't an option, most crisis lines are willing to give you some advice, too, even if you aren't suicidal.
For me the self-acceptance didn't begin until I started coming out. I began with someone who I knew would be absolutely safe and accepting, 3 more just like him after that. EC then became the virtual world in which I was "out" and that has helped as well. Deep Peace,
More time is likely the answer. Keep hanging out here in EC. You'll see that being gay is not that 'failing grade' that you still feel that it is. Because it isn't. I'm gay. And I'm awesome in a lot of ways. So in my mind, gay = awesome. And there are a lot of awesome people here on EC who are also gay. And there are a lot of gay people who AREN'T on EC who are awesome! (They'd just be MORE awesome if they joined EC! ) Keep immersing yourself in the gay awesomeness you find here, and you'll find that you'll start to feel a lot better. Coming out to someone might help. Having real life support and validation is good too. But there's no need to rush. Come out because you really want to. Good luck!
Your challenge is one that we all have to battle. The temptation is great to GIVE POWER to others to define our own sense of worth. We seek the praise of others for validation. When they say we are good and loved we feel valued. When they say ware stink our self value deflates. We will never be happy or content when we give this power over to others. We have to claim responsibility for our own sense of worth. We have to decide how valuable we are. We can't chase others' opinions and expect to find bliss. Shoot, lets invent a pill that will make men claim their power and we can both retire!
I know this might not help, but don't feel like you've failed because you're having trouble accepting that you're gay. People have trouble accepting who they are all the time. I think you might be looking at this from bad angle, if you weren't gay and you weren't sure who you are, what your purpose is, or whatever...would you still have these feelings of failure? Remeber being gay is a part of who you, not the thing that defines you.
Thanks for your replies and useful advice. I guess I'll seek some sort of professional counseling. Although, I don't think I'm depressed, this issue keeps me in sad mood. I'll try to remain patient and hope that one day i'll finally feel confortable with myself. @Seadog I really liked your words. It's a pretty good reflextion that I should try to keep in mind. I guess one of my defects is seeking validation and approval by others. I've always try to be "good" haha. @Malachite I guess I needed to read that haha. thanks
I have a hypothesis: Sometimes, our brains feel less of a failure when others affirm that we are not failures. Which is why I feel like coming out might actually work - if it's positive whereby others continue to provide support despite your coming out. Though of course I feel EC serves this purpose too. Anyway, I am glad you're feeling better!
I want to know why you feel being gay is an F? There are so many successful, respected people out there that are gay. I really think you need to understand that being gay means absolutely nothing except that you like the same gender. Truly, nothing about being gay means that you should consider yourself a failure. You are a success, no matter what gender you are. And why are you a success? Because you MAKE yourself a success. The only chance you could be a failure my friend is if you give up on your life and let it go into the sewers. So long as you try, YOU ARE A SUCCESS! I hope this boosts your spirits.
Thanks for your support Revan! It's really encouraging, especially the big black letters haha. To answer your question, I'll let you know that I grew up in a very conservative society (outside of the US), where being gay is as bad as been a murderer, thief, pedophile, etc. Many gay people have been murdered for being gay and they still are. There is basically 0 tolerance and probably there will never be . Also, my whole family has always been homophobic and for them being homophobic is something good. I guess all that hate and intolerance has rooted inside of me and makes me feel that being gay is a failure.
When I lived in New Mexico, we called it "The Land of Dis-Enchantment".* I'd work on making some gay friends. The more you know, the more positive reinforcement you get. That being gay is no big deal. It doesn't have to be a burden, it doesn't have to be a curse. It can in fact be a blessing. I don't know if you're out and on your own yet, but if not, that'd be the first thing to aim towards. Lex * - side joke from Big Gay Sketch Show. "Wow, he's like New Mexico. Really hot, but really boring."
Hi Charlie, I agree with Lex. Your first goal should be to accept yourself as gay. Just using the word - gay - to describe yourself to yourself can be a massive challenge. What does it feel like when you say, out loud to yourself, I am a gay man? Does it feel comfortable? Does it feel as though its true? You shouldn't feel rushed in to coming out to others however dear they are to you. Coming out must be your own decision made when you are comfortable with yourself. Of course you can seek help, but you are probably the best judge of who you are. Give yourself time and space to allow your true personality to emerge. And when you are confident that you have found it, you can move forward. Malc
