I'm letting it happend again.

I'm pretty good when it comes to not falling for a straight guy. The moment I feel that love buzz begin to come out, I do a couple of things to make the love buzz go away. I keep my distance, A kind of break up, giving myself time to get over the situation. Don't look into the eyes too much or else I get lost. Don't talk about sex or penis size.

It works for me and really helps me with the situation. It might seem like avoidance but falling for a staright guy never goes ANYWHERE!


The only problem is that this guy is one tough sucker to read let alone avoid. I'll explain.

This guy is a co-worker as well as a school mate. We have no manager at the moment so the owner put us both in charge. We work really well together and have a lot of contact because of work related topics. Now we also began creating a social relationship because we had 3 classes together in the spring semester at our university. So we had study sessios, lunch, skipped class, hungout. We have what is now considerd a bromance to some people.

Someone at work let it slip that I was gay and during class I remember him saying "man I heard about you...we cant have good boob talks anymore" We have the same contact now some might say even more than we did before he knew. We've gone to gay bars together, parties, movies etc. He even made a note that we need to go back to Savvoy to get cheap beer. I told him "people will start thinking your gay" and he didn't really respond to that. He just said that he didn't care because cheap beer and an empty bar ment a good time. (RED FLAG)

Its gotten to a point that wherever I go he wants to come too. And because of my attraction to him, I don't mind even though I know it's unhealthy for my psyche.

I mentioned this guy to a friend and I got an unusual response from her, one my brain was aching to hear:

Me: (This guy so and so) You know him?
Her: YEAH......(the long type of yeah with a sarcastic twang to it)
Me: "What?"
Her: "I'm pretty sure he was gay during highschool"
Me: "No, he's straight...(?)...He banged a playboy modle and loves women etc" (I was defending his straightness as one would defend my gayness)
Her: "No, im pretty sure in highschool he was gay"

So that got me re-eveluating everthing we, did spoke of, events, comments...the whole sheebang. Red flags keep popping up left and right.

At school at work, out and about. Everything. Why his family thinks he is gay (red flag). Why his ex never slept with him (no flag) but still talks to him about her present relationships (red flag). Why he has more enthusiasim for going to a gay bar than I do (red flag).

Last night my radar blipped for the first time. We were talking about that rentboy and the anti gay dude and how he was repressed and then we moved on to talking about Ted Haggard and how he was repressed. Then he came out of nowhere saying "I'm glad I delt with that during highschool." Being caught off guard I responded, "yeah I delt with it too came out the other way." Then later that night he mentioned how he didn't really like sex with women. He much preferred his hand. (LMAO, but he was serious). He explained his first time as a "wow that was it, really?" and how weird the vagina felt and on and on. He also has mentioned that getting fallacio (with women remember he's "straight") was boring as well because "he had to do all the work" (red BLEEDING flag). After work we met up at WalMart with another co worker and her boyfriend. I went to check out but he went to another cashire and so did the co worker's boyfirend so it was just me and her and I brought it up. And she said something that hit me. Maybe the reason he's so close to me is that he remembers what it was like to be confused during highschool and can relate to me on that level. We both came out of highschool looking at life through the same point of view. And if he is straight I would 100% agree with her.

I just need differing points of view with this. Last time I was this heads over heels was a long time ago but the situation wasen't this extream. :bang: I suck at life...I told myself this would be short. Sorry.